Post # 1
Hey ladies, I’m getting married in a month and I’m finally having some time to think over things and remember a lot of issues that we’ve had with with our relationship in the past. My fiance and I have been together for 2 years now and we’ve had our fair share of fights, but the biggest by far was after we first moved in together.
He developed this ritual that when I was alone and unaware he would slap me really hard on the butt, I’m not talking about a light slap or a spank, but actually hit me with all his strength leaving red hand shaped marks. I know he didn’t intentionally mean to cause pain, he just thought it was funny. I’d told him numerous times that he didn’t know his own strength and that it really hurt and for him to stop and that it was causing me harm and it was abusive, however he continued. Until I eventually threatened to leave him. When he did it again, I blew and just packed an overnight bag and told him that it was over. I spent a night in a motel and the next day we made up. Since then he’s matured and hasn’t hurt me intentionally.
I was wondering would this be considered phyical abuse or just a communication issue? If he was capable of hitting me with so much force and witness the pain and the marks that he left behind and still do it, after we marry if times get tough, what’s to stop him from hitting me with that much force somewhere else on my body, such as my face? Is it wise to marry someone who’s capable of that? Should I consider this as abusive or am I perhaps overreacting because of the stress of getting married?
Post # 3
It’s hard to say for sure without knowing more about the relationship. For some people, this could be playful and for others it could be a sign of something else. I am leaning towards the something else with you because there must be something to make you think about it in that way. How is the relationship otherwise?
Post # 4
Wow. I really don’t know. The fact that he stopped once he realized the seriousness of it is good. However, the fact that it took you threatening to leave to get him to respect your wishes about very basic bodily integrity is a little disturbing.
So, I guess the question is – has he shown any other signs of controlling behavior or of disregarding your wishes?
Post # 5
If he did it even one time after you made him aware that it hurt and you did not want him to do it again, it’s abusive.
Post # 6
He stopped which I guess means he’s willing to listen at some point. But honestly, how oblivious do you need to be to keep smacking someone until they threaten to leave?
I don’t know if he’s abusive but at the very least he sounds incredibly thickheaded.
Post # 7
I’d just be alarmed that he continues to do something that you’ve told him physically hurts you and you wanted to stop. I don’t think it would necessarily devolve into him beating the crap out of you, but the fact that he would purposefully keep doing it despite knowing these things would be enough for me to seriously second guess the relationship.
Post # 8
My fiancé said to kick him in the balls and laugh. Do it a lot. Until he gets the point.
Post # 9
I think you need to take this behavior in conjunction with lots of other behaviors. Is it at all possible that maybe you weren’t clear when you told him that his hitting you on the bottom hurt and left hand marks? I only ask because I went through something similar, only every time I tried to explain that to my SO I was kind of joking and laughing about it, so he didn’t think I was being serious. When it finally clicked for him, he was HORRIFIED that he’d been causing me so much pain.
And also, my SO has never shown any other traits or tendencies of being over controlling or abusive. Let’s take a look at your Fiance – does he make all the decisions in the relationship? Is it “his way or the highway”? Is he quick to anger and slow to forgive? Does he yell at you or call you names?
These are all things that you need to consider.
Post # 10
This happened almost two years ago and since then he’s changed his behaviour and become a wonderful partner. He’s attentive, generous, kind, loving, and we have great conversations together and if he were to stay as he is I would have to hesitation to marry him.
At the beginning of our relationship though, right after we moved in together he was very controlling and all around horrible, at the time I was seriously contemplating leaving him on a weekly basis. We would argue almost daily, I remember when I first did my laundry at our apartment, I went through his closet and took some clothes that needed washing and put them in with my load. Afterwards, I folded them and put it back in his closet, reorganising his closet to make a bit to make it tidier. When he found out, he accused him of not consulting him beforehand about doing HIS laundry and invading his privacy. Hello! We’re living together!
At the time, I would actually wonder who would be crazy enough to actually marry such a douchebag. But for some reason we managed we managed to work through our problems and stay together. Now he’s nothing like who he was then.
But I’m just concerned that after we get married, when serious problems arise that would strain our relationship he might resort to that kind of behaviour or worse? Although he assures me it won’t happen and aside from the early part of our relationship there’s been little indication that he would.
I should also mention that he refers to all our earlier incidents as “communication issues” since his first language is French while mine is English, rather than him being an absolute douche. Although he does admit that he was wrong at times. Do you think it’s a risk worth taking to marry him?
Post # 11
Haha! If it ever happens again. I’ll take your fiance’s advice.
Post # 12
I think a big issue is is also it seems that you are unsure whether you should marry him based on asking if we think you should still marry him. You just referred to marrying him as a “risk” so I think you really need to evaluate how you feel overall about the relationship as well as wondering if you think he may become abusive in the future. If you have ANY doubts about marrying someone, you really need to figure that out before taking such a huge step.
Post # 13
This. It’s easier to postpone or call off a wedding than it is to get a divorce. And I always hate when girls with doubts say, “Well, there’s always divorce!!” That seriously cheapens the sanctity of marriage.
I feel that if in your heart you have to ASK… Then it’s abuse TO YOU. Like other PP’s said, you have to look at his other behaviors NOW. None of us know your Fiance like you do, only you can make the call whether he’s a ticking time bomb or not.
Post # 14
You said it hasn’t happened in a long time…have you and your Fiance had a serious argument since then?
Just because your Fiance liked to do that jokingly doesn’t mean that is how he will be when he gets angry. They are two different emotions, but I understand your concern (and I am glad he quit that crap). You should know how he gets when he is angry. If you believe in your heart of hearts that this is in fact how he will react when he is angry then don’t marry him. If you are describing your future marriage as a risk, I would not do it.
And I completely agree with you about divorce. It’s so easy for people to just say meh, it’s there if I need it. 100% agree with you.
Post # 15
it depends on his attitude when he does it. If he is in a good mood, laughing and joking and playing around, then its fine and he just needs clearer boundaries. If he does it when he is upset or pissed off, then its a problem. My Fiance has done this but i know he is just playing around and he apologizes if he hurts me. Plus i usually get him back for doing it by tickling him under his man-boobs so we are even, lol.
Post # 16
- Wedding: July 2012 - The Gables Inn, Santa Rosa, CA
I think it’s clear you two have a communication issue that needs to be addressed– as far as if it’s abuse I think that’s a bit too harsh of a word. He was doing it as a juvenile joke that he thought was funny, and he didn’t have much care for your feelings on the matter– I don’t think he did it to hurt you intentionally, and while he does have the potential to harm you– so do most guys; and most women marry men who could physically overpower them should they choose, the difference is the motives behind those actions. someone who does it to harm or intimidate another is abusive, someone who does it as a stupid joke long after they’ve been told it’s not funny, and is just that– juvenile.
I would recommend counseling, get your feelings and doubts out in the open and give him a chance to understand that while he thought it was a joke, you’re not OK with the fact that it took you leaving for him to listen to and act appropriately. I think less than the physical choices, this is what’s important, why did it take you leaving for him to take your feelings seriously?