(Closed) Is this appropriate?

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
1978 posts
Buzzing bee

I don’t see why you should have to “trade” one relationship for another. Your ex’s mom seems genuinely nice and thinks of you as more than just her son’s ex. At the same time, you cannot force a relationship with your Future Mother-In-Law. It has to grow on its own, and it will become whatever it becomes.

I had a great relationship with one of my ex’s moms, but when we broke up she “took his side” and was feeding him information about my personal life. So, while I don’t blame her for doing so, that relationship could not continue.

If it’s not causing problems, I don’t see why it’s a terrible thing to continue being friendly.

The situation with your Future Mother-In-Law is totally different. You may never be as close with her as you are to your ex’s mom. That’s okay.

Post # 3
Member
1471 posts
Bumble bee

I am still close with my ex’s mum. She is a wonderful woman and I loved her to pieces. I went through a very hard time with my ex, which affected her too, so we very much bonded over that. Now, 3 1/2 years after the split, we see each other for dinner and lunch on a regular basis (but not super often). 

At first my SO was wary and a bit uncomfortable. He thought that she may be trying to convince me to get back together with her son, but that wasn’t the case at all. We were friends in our own right. We sometimes talk about my ex, just in passing, about what he’s up to and such, but isn’t any different than when we speak about other people we also know mutually. She also always asks after my SO and is interested to hear about what we’re doing and how he’s getting on at work etc. 

My SO doesn’t mind that I still have a relationship with her, but I don’t think he’s ever want to meet her as he’d find it awkward, which is understandable. 

Break ups can be so hard, but when they are amicable and when no one is still hurting, I see no reason in breaking off a friendship that you’d made with someone you care about. 

Post # 4
Member
1471 posts
Bumble bee

I forgot to say that I don’t have much of a relationship with my Future Mother-In-Law, but that may come in time. I dont feel guilty about that – she has 4 children so it plenty busy!! 

Post # 5
Member
5778 posts
Bee Keeper

My Fiance still has a relationship/ contact with a few of his former in-laws, I don’t see anything inappropriate. If they’re genuinely nice people, I don’t see why divorce or the end of a relationship has to mean cutting ties with every single person you came to care for and at one point considered family. As long as there are no extenuating circumstances or dramas I think it’s fine.

Post # 8
Member
1978 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
mfox89:  Yeah, me too. She was a fun lady. But, you’re right – when circumstances call for it, it’s for the best!

Post # 9
Member
323 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

View original reply
mfox89:  Listen, in this world – if you are lucky enough to have a connection with someone (whether it’s a friend or a SO or their parent) hold on to that. There is literally nothing more important, or more appropriate.

That being said, keep putting in the effort with Future Mother-In-Law. You’ll get there with her too, eventually.

Post # 10
Member
1270 posts
Bumble bee

I can’t relate, unfortunately (my ex’s mom was certifiable, and you can see where her son got it from). However, I don’t think you need to refer to her as your ex’s mom, you can call her what she is: a loving friend. You don’t need to substitute one relationship for another and as others have said, give the relationship with Future Mother-In-Law time to grow. It may never be as good as with your ex’s mother, unfortunately, but there is no reason to disaparage of it yet. She’s a different person with a different personality and she may take some time to warm up to you, plus she may show love in different ways. Don’t stress it too much.

Post # 11
Member
120 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

Being on the other end of the perspective, I definitely feel it is weird. My FI’s ex still has somewhat of a relationship with his family, and it thoroughly bothers me. My Fiance, myself, and his family are very close, and they know it bothers him (as well as me) that they still see her. Its been over 6 years since they’ve broken up. Part of the problem is that he told me how it was a bit of an ugly break-up, which ended with her spreading vicious rumours around the very small town where we are from… Just knowing about those rumours makes me wonder why they would spend time with a woman who slandered their son so badly. From what I can tell, it is my FI’s sister and SIL that have the relationship with her.

I know this is a completely different situation, but that’s just my perspective. In my opinion, as long as your Fiance is okay with you having a relationship with her, and you enjoy her company, why not. She is sadly estranged from her son, and by the sounds of it she could use the extra support in her life. 

When it comes to the relationship with your Future Mother-In-Law, I’m sure over time you will develop the type of relationship you were hoping for, so long as both sides mutually build the relationship.

Post # 13
Member
4239 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Personally if I were you I would make more of an effort to get to know your future mother in law.  Sure she may be shy but at the same time that shouldn’t give you an excuse to not make an effort to get to know her.

For the record, I am still in contact with a SELECT few of my ex’s family.  Some have offered to get coffee with me to catch up but I’ve conveniently been “busy” because it’s really not my place to maintain a relationship with them.  Not that you have to completely cut her out of your life, but maybe distance yourself a bit.  What about any future girlfriends your ex has?  What about when he gets engaged and his ex is still close with his mom?  How would you feel if that were you?

Trust me I completely understand being close with an ex’s family, but I think it’s important to maintain a bit of distance.

Post # 14
Member
1599 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
mfox89:  I’m not personally in that situation but in my opinion there is nothing wrong with either of you wanting to keep this relationship going. Just because you and your ex aren’t together anymore it doesn’t mean that you can’t talk and see each other. It in fact looks like the relationship means a lot to her. I wouldn’t let your relationship be affected by anybody else, the relationship is seperate from all others that you have.

Post # 15
Member
1701 posts
Bumble bee

My boyfriend is still close to his former Mother-In-Law, and I don’t mind at all…he speaks to her on the phone every now and then, and they are friends on Facebook…she knows about me, asks about me, ALWAYS likes our pictures on Facebook and always says nice things about me or to me on Facebook…the irony, HIS mother is a COMPLETE asshole!! We joke that I wish his former Mother-In-Law was his mother! As long as she isn’t disrespectful to your Fiance or pining for you to get back together with her son, I don’t see anything wrong with it.

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