Is this awful… I do not my mother w advanced Alzheimer's at wedding? +

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
907 posts
Busy bee

I have not had a similiar experience but I DO NOT THINK YOU ARE AWFUL.  I think you have valid concerns. Dealing with aging parents and dementia can be complicated. I would discuss it with your father and see how he feels about it. Tell him your concerns and what you think is best. You aren’t engaged yet so you have time to come to a decision.   I think visiting her before the wedding would be nice. 

Post # 3
Member
275 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

I understand. My finace’s mom is in a similar state although she is still at home with his dad. They have a nurse who comes in. My grandmother also has it and will not be attending the wedding and has not attended the wedding of my last couple of cousins either. In her case she is too physically frail to travel as well as not knowing what is going on mentally. My finace’s mom attended his sister’s wedding last year and we plan on having her attend ours. She is good about listening to his dad and we had a caretaker there during the wedding and reception and it went fine. 

It’s your wedding so you should invite who you want to be there. Totally understand in your situation that you wouldn’t want her there. If your dad presses it, if he is not contributing financially he doesn’t have a say in the guest list, if he is he does have a bit more say in it. You’ll have to share your concerns with him and try to figure out a compromise if necessary. 

I honestly wouldn’t worry about it much right now because at this point you don’t know when the wedding will be and what may happen between then and now. But no, you’re not a bad person, totally understandable. I wish my granny could be there and we could take photos with her but I accept that’s just not the case. It’s actually easier on her that she’s not going to be there, it’s better for her too. 

Post # 4
Member
580 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

(((Hugs)))

That is so hard and I am so sorry you’re going through that, Bee. I’m inclined to agree with you that she shouldn’t be there since it sounds like it would upset both of you. Not sure how to handle your dad, though. Such an awful situation.

Post # 5
Member
2433 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: NJ

One of the worst things about Alzheimers is that it robs the person of all dignity. I can’t imagine wanting a loved one afflicted with this disease, to be in public, on display, while suffering the ravaages. You are very spot-on about the whole day being very trying for her, being away from all she is familiar with, surrounded by people she doesn’t know in a place she has never been. 

Alzheimer’s patients have wild delusions, she could be thinking you are sending her to prison or another planet. Nothing is too wild for their mental state. It could be very hard on her, not just others around who probably don’t realize the extent of the disease. 

Going to see her before the wedding in your attire would be wonderful. 

Post # 6
Member
372 posts
Helper bee

I agree with the PP. Think about those women who don’t want their mothers at their weddings just because they had a few arguments… Now, THAT is awful.

You mum is very likely to be completely unable to understand what’s going on at your wedding. She may feel lost and endangered. People with dementia tend to be unpredictable. I think having her at your wedding in such a state would be a little selfish, and definitely not the best for her. 

I know you’re feeling torn apart but you’re doing the right thing.

Post # 7
Member
407 posts
Helper bee

Discuss it with your father but I don’t think this makes you a terrible person. If he’s worried about her not being included there are plenty of ways you can pay tribute to her in your wedding. A friend of mine also had relatives who were too elderly to travel for her wedding; fortunately as they were in a care home she was able to Skype them in discreetly so they could watch the wedding with the help of the employees who set up the connection. Will you have a videographer? You could suggest giving her her own private viewing after the wedding. 

Post # 8
Member
4232 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2015 - Hotel Ballroom

I don’t have any practical advice. I just wanted to reassure you that you aren’t awful and nobody is judging you for having to make the tough call that NOBODY wants to make! *hug*

Post # 9
Member
9806 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Having worked with Alzheimers patients I don’t think you are awful and understand why you wish to exclude her from your day. Personally, given my experience, I think it would be the best for both you and your mother if she did not attend. I think that level of stimulation could cause her to be quite distressed which would only serve to upset you.

Post # 10
Member
378 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

bluegreyeyes :  I’m in the EXACT are situation, but it’s my father.

It’s been very difficult to watch him basically become a completely different person that can’t even hold a conversation or understand basic communication.

I feel terrible not having him at my wedding, but honestly don’t think he would want to stay long or feel comfortable. He doesn’t even know or acknowledge that I’m getting married. He is childlike and I wouldn’t want him to create a spectacle that would make him or  anyone else feel uncomfortable. It’s a really tough spot to be in. He attended my brother’s wedding a few years ago and it wasn’t the smoothest. I wish this wasn’t the case. 

I think your plans to visit beforehand are perfect. I’m still trying to decide how I will incorporate him into our celebration, but I’ll let you know once I decide 🙂

Post # 11
Member
5917 posts
Bee Keeper

DanaWeddingGuest :  +1 agree. 

(((hugs))) You don’t sound selfish at all Bee, it sounds like you have been very thoughtful and compassionate in assessing this situation. It sounds like bringing your mom to the wedding would be to please your father and possibly aunts more than what is best for you or your mom. I agree she wouldn’t know what was going on, may be distressed and confused by it all, and you know in your heart she would understand not having her there. Do something special and private with her a day or two before or after. Such a sad situation, I’m glad you have a supportive fiance at your side. 

Post # 12
Member
5564 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

 I haven’t experienced this before but I want you to know that you’ve put a lot of thought into this and it’s not about you, it’s about your mom’s comfort.

Your post makes it very clear that you are looking out for your mom and not yourself.

You are not an awful person, your heart is hurting for your mom.

Hugs

Post # 13
Member
435 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

We did not have my now father in law there for the same reasons. It’s harsh but reality. Honistly we have lost him in the past and he is no longer with us if you know what I mean. 

Post # 14
Member
9130 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

I agree that you shouldn’t have her there, for HER sake.  She is bound to be confused and disoriented, and then upset that she is confused and disoriented.  Frankly I think it’d be cruel of you or anyone else to insist that she be there, when she clearly is not in the condition to do so.

Perhaps there are online resources you could read up on regarding the potential of trauma of unfamiliar situations and overstimulation, that you could share with your dad?

Also, I’m sorry that your dad appears to be in denial about her state and that your brothers aren’t particularly helpful.  Sweetheart, it might be on you to step up and really take the lead on a no-nonsense approach to dealing with her condition.  Easier said than done, I know.

 

Post # 15
Member
425 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Perhaps you can talk privately with her doctor or nurses at the home and if they agree with you they can help you bring it up with your father. He might be upset hearing it from you, but having a medical professional say it can soften the blow.

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