(Closed) Is this best left alone? Feeling guilty.

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
3261 posts
Sugar bee

You aren’t responsible for his actions, and you don’t need to try and fix things. He obviously has some serious coping issues that need to be adressed (not by you).

Post # 4
46594 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

He is a grownup who hasn’t grown up. Time to let him take responsibility for his own choices.

Post # 5
7587 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

This post seems nutty to me. I know he’s a friend, but you should cut ties with him. If everything you do effects his life in a negative way, then you shouldn’t be in it.  Sometimes people can’t get over people and they just need to cut them completley out. This is one of those situations and if he can’t do it for himself, and you truly care about hit, then you will do it.

Post # 6
2725 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

It is not your responsibility to fix others choices. You can’t. People have to fix their own problems. It’s obvious HE can’t handle the friendship so honestly I think you need to cut your losses and become completely uninvolved. 

Post # 7
8675 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@hopefloats:  I agree with this but if you are friends then I think as a friend that you would try and do something to help a friend off this self distructive path.

Post # 8
1352 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I think you should try help him and then ween off the relationship. You’re obviously a good friend and if you can help him and it’s not negatively affecting your life then I think you should. You are by no means a bad person if you don’t though! 

Post # 10
3451 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

You are not responsible for the choices he’s made after you split up.  He has to grow up on his own.  You should not have anything to do with that.

Post # 11
1844 posts
Buzzing bee

i think you know the answer but it is not going to be easy to do.

He is responsible for his own actions, but that isnot going to mean that you can’t talk to him. He is in a long term relationship also and needs to know that his actions are not going to be a way to win you back they are only a way to hurt others. This girl he is dating obviously diserves a boy like you discribed earlier and not this strange boy who your friend has become.

Post # 12
1765 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I agree with what others have said. He has to be responsible for his own actions. It’s not fair for you to be feeling guilty over this. If it were me, I would distance myself from him, because staying friends doesn’t seem to be helping him.

Post # 13
753 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

He’s an adult and this isn’t your problem anymore. It sounds like the relationship between the two of you, whether it’s “platonic” or not (though he doesn’t seem to think it is, apparently) isn’t good for EITHER of you. It sounds like you’re both taking a mental toll on each other (though it’s to no fault of your own) get rid of him and you’ll both be better off. 

Post # 15
307 posts
Helper bee

i hope this won’t come out wrong.  first off, i respect and commend you for leaving your relationship when it wasn’t working out.  that takes a great deal of strength that many of us struggle for years to find.

yet even if you did not mean him harm, you hurt him (i’m not saying that you were malicious but this is what happened – that was the end result – we all get hurt, it happens, it is a normal part of life and he is not coping well).  you can’t fix that or him. his choices appear to be a way to drown out his pain but in the end they are still his choices.  you trying to fix him will only deepen his dependence on you which will only make the problem worse.  he needs help, but not from you.  you refraining from reaching out now will be the best way to help him.  he needs to get over you and move on.  say goodbye, let it go, if you love him as you say you do, that is what you need to do.

keep being your strong self. be happy and know that what you are doing is because you care – even if that doesn’t seem intuitive. have faith that, in time, as things become more clear, he will be able to see beyond his pain which now keeps him in this place and save himself. continuing his relationship with you even if it is platonic only prolongs the pain.

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