(Closed) Is this cheating?

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
1583 posts
Bumble bee

I was wondering if it is cheating to date someone when you are legally married. If so when is it ok, or is it ever ok?

Does anyone have any experience on either side of this conundrum?

Post # 3
Member
5950 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

Legally married?  Dating someone else?  Yeah…or are you guys seperated?  Cause if both parties are not activley working on the marriage and it’s just a matter of paperwork, I don’t think that counts.

Post # 4
Member
1318 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Of course that is cheating!!! What a silly question… 

Post # 5
Member
1227 posts
Bumble bee

My ex was separated from his wife for 3 years before we started dating.  Legally, he was still married, but I wouldn’t call that cheating.

As nona99 said, if neither of you are actively working on the relationship, and living in separate homes, it’s not cheating.

The fact is, the divorce process can take years. Hard to expect people to stay alone and celibate while that plays out.

Post # 6
Member
4045 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

It’s cheating if you married and are dating someone without your partner’s permission (so those who are married and poly are obviously not cheating). If you’re separated and dating someone else, then again I don’t see that as cheating.

Unhappily married and dating someone else behind your partner’s back? Heck yes that is scum bag cheating. Unhappily married and you and your partner agree to see other people? Not cheating.

Post # 7
Member
1583 posts
Bumble bee

the poll should help. and just wondering because my dad was in this situation but doesnt consider it cheating since he’d already planned to get a divorce (none of this involved my mom).

Post # 8
Member
7172 posts
Busy Beekeeper

To date?  As in, with the desire to pursue a romantic relationship?  Yes, I consider that cheating – ie: not being faithful to the commitment you made in your wedding vows.

If you have an open marriage, or are separated with the understanding dating is fair game – that’s another story.  
 

Post # 9
Member
745 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I was separated from my ex, but still living with him for financial reasons when I met my fiance. The ex and I didn’t sleep together, didn’t sleep in the same room, and we knew it was over. We were waiting to file the paperwork until we’d gotten a tax return so we could afford it. In the state I lived in, there is no legal separation. Once we declared we were separated, any dating was not cheating.

The divorce wasn’t finalized until a year after I’d moved to be with my fiance. I was told by some people that I was a cheating hussey because I was still married. I did not agree.

Post # 10
Member
1227 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
@subtlebee:  If he planned to get a divorce, but hadn’t told her that he was getting out of the relationship, then yes, i would consider that cheating.  When was he going to tell her????

Post # 11
Member
9950 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

To be fair, I sooo understand this Question… and YES it is a relative one.

Been there… done that.

I was married for 20+ Years.

Then my Ex and I split up… Legally Seperated and spent aprox 18 months “working” on our relationship and trying to decide if it was worthwhile getting back together.

While that was going on, I continued to consider myself married… and so I did not look for “companionship” elsewhere (and as far as I know, neither did he)

Because, I am the sort of girl, who believes in the adage that you GIVE IT ALL (more than 100%) BEFORE YOU CALL IT OVER AND DONE WITH

Because in that way, you’ll have no regrets afterwards.  As you have honestly tried your best.

Infact, I was the type of person (and still am) that always thought that as long as two people were married that ANYTHING outside of that relationship was indeed cheating.

However, like many things in life I’ve discovered… what one believes to be true… and how life actually presents itself can be two vastly diffrent things.

After it was very clear that there was no “saving” our Marriage… I filed for Divorce.  And honestly thought great… this will be over soon and then I can get on with my life.

However, that is not what either my Ex-Hubby or the Court System had in mind.

My Ex-H intentionally dragged our case on and on delaying the process whenever and however he could muster

(For the record, I left because of ongoing abuse… Emotional – Physical – Financial – Sexual etc.  I spent so long legally seperated because I had hoped that he would GET HELP… become a recovering alcoholic and get some serious counselling to come to terms with what he was doing with his life… and how he was treating me, our marriage and kids etc)

Anyhow… My Divorce took over 5 Years.

Needless to say… at some point my previous “religious” ideals waivered.  As it was pointed out to me… I was being a martyr and it made no sense.

The only cheating going on on my side of the equation up to this point… and been the fact that between my horrible marriage, seperation & divorce… I was BEING CHEATED OUT OF LIFE.

MY LIFE WAS ON HOLD… not by my own doing… but by the fact that he was being a supreme @hole…

He had broken our Marriage Vows years before… the “Love, Honour & Cherish” part when he continually hit me and made me cower in my own home.

So even tho in the eyes of the Courts we were still married … surely in the “Eyes of God” we were not.

So after putting my life on hold for eons, I finally decided to get on with my life, and get back out there.  Maybe not dating right away… but certainly being open to being single vs tied to “an anchor” that was pulling me down.

So I took of my rings and moved on with my life.

It was only after doing this that I was able to in many ways improve myself emotionally…

In the years that ensued, I rediscovered myself, and some interests I had forgotten, and also some new activities… where I also met new people.  It was thru one of these interests that I met a nice group of people, a group to which Mr TTR belonged.  And aprox 6 months later he asked me out… I warned him that I was pretty fragile, and although appreciative of his friendship I was not looking for a relationship per-se, as I had HUGE trust issues.  He was patient.  He was kind.  He was my friend… long before anything else.

A few months later, I gave in, and said yes that clearly our friendship had blossomed into more.

And about 6 months after that my H3LLISH Divorce finally came to a close.

Honestly…

If I had waited out the whole time frame (close to 10 Years) I am sure that things for me would be vastly different.

1- I probably would be in a lot worse spot emotionally… as it was it took me years to recover post Divorce

2- I may have never met Mr TTR.  Part of our relationship truly keyed being in the right place at the right time in life.

Hope this helps,

EDIT TO ADD – Since I’ve drafted my reply… you’ve added a Poll.  IMO if you are married (as in still in the marriage relationship) and dating it is cheating.  Even if IN YOUR MIND, the relationship is no good / over. If you haven’t told your spouce it is over… then it’s still on… and still cheating.  Legally seperated and just waiting for the Divorce to be finalized… Not Cheating.  As BOTH of those in the Marriage clearly know the relationship has come to a close / end even if the paperwork hasn’t caught up.

 

Post # 12
Member
2949 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

View original reply
@bowsergirl:  “Unhappily married and dating someone else behind your partner’s back? Heck yes that is scum bag cheating. Unhappily married and you and your partner agree to see other people? Not cheating.” <– THIS!

If you and your partner are separated, that’s fine but jsut because you’re unhappy or feeling unfulfilled does not give you the right or go-ahead to cheat.

Post # 13
Member
2285 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: Central Park

In my book legal separation = free to date. You have to file paperwork for it and the other person is served separation papers, which to me makes it official.

Post # 14
Member
10450 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2014

If you’re separated, sure. Just because you haven’t done the legal splitting doesn’t mean the relationship isn’t already over. 

Post # 15
Member
6112 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

If you’re separated and done with the relationship (with divorce being next step or already in process), then NO it’s not cheating to me.

By the way, not all states have legal separation paperwork.  My state you just say you are separated and that’s it, while other states you have to file expensive paperwork to say you are separated, then more paperwork to process a divorce, but separation paperwork in those states is not mandatory either.  Usually it draws up some childcare agreement while the divorce paperwork is underway. 

 

So there is no paperwork before the divorce paperwork in my state.  However, to make it a little more official, I drew up some paperwork with my ex and we each signed it like who stays in the house, who pays what, who takes the car, he had to stay away from me and the house for a whole 3 months (no contact) – all until we get the real paperwork done.

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