Post # 1
(i am posting this under a different name) here is a little bit of a back story to my question….
my fi and i have known eachother for years. we are old friends. i used to drink very very very heavily. i used to go out alot with my friends to bars. he and i were friends and he knew of my drinking.( and at his request i have stopped, drinking out or at home all together) he has his own share of addictions. mainly pain pills (he snorts them). we made a deal when we started dating we would both really work on these problems… i have quit drinking at home, i never go to the bar and very very rarely i will have a glass of wine with dinner but thats as far as i go with it. after all i made a promise and i am sticking to it…. he however has had major and minor slip ups in his end of the deal….
he is horrible when he is on them. short tempered and mean.
i have caught him numerous times with the residue in his nose. i have gone through his phone (i know i know) and found texts from people including his sister that he has been buying them and doing them for months behind my back. i hate them. i hate who he is when he is on them. they make me feel like he is cheating on me when he goes behind my back and does them when he knows how much it hurts me. i feel like he chooses them over me. i have threatened to leave and move out but its not that simple. i cant just give up on the guy i know he can be and the guy he is when he is not on them. he will do good for a few weeks but i can always tell when he has done them. this is our biggest fight. its our only fight.
what do i do? im getting to the point its ruined my trust in him. my faith in him. i feel like they are more important than me. i know what being an addict is like alchol is not my only struggle but i did what he asked me to because i love him and now that i am sober i dont even want to drink! but even when he is sober off the pills he still wants them. and now he is even lying and using our money to fund this habit…… i guess i just need advice should i stay and get him help? should i go since i have threatened it so many times? what do i do?
Post # 3
You say it’s not that simple to move out and end the relationship, when in reality it is. He obviously doesn’t care enough about you to quit, so why waste any more time on him?
Post # 4
Give him an ultimatum. Either he checks into rehab or your gone- make sure you follow through.
Post # 5
I agree with giving him an ultimatum. I work in a substance abuse detox center and a huge chunk of our clients come in because their families said get help NOW or we will have to seperate ourselves from you permanently. It’s probably one of the hardest things you will ever do but honestly you could be saving his life by being hard on him.
Post # 6
@abusedorconfused: How can you build a future with an addict? He needs to work on himself and the lifestyle you are subjecting yourself to is not safe. Leave and never look back. You can not help him, he needs professional help in rehab.
Post # 7
Well, IMO, the dishonesty that he is creating in your relationship pre-marriage is not a good sign.
It’s not just the fact that he’s doing what you’ve asked him not to, but that he is going behind your back to do so, using your combined finanaces to support it-especially when you have worked SO HARD to give up your vice.
Bottom line-life is not easy. There are temptations everywhere. Your SO should be there to offer support, comfort, and a shoulder to lean on when things get tough. Instead, he’s taking money from your account and running off to snort pills.
Honestly, I would cut my losses. I know it’s easier said than done, but to me he has shown a blatant disregard for your feelings and your impending marriage. He won’t change until he wants to, and by then your life my be way worse for the wear.
You are doing a WONDERFUL job making your life better by giving up the alcohol dependency… take the “New You” and find someone else that is in the same place you are.
Whatever you do, good luck!
Post # 8
@abusedorconfused: Being with a person who abuses alcohol or drugs is very challenging. I dated an alcoholic for a couple years and it was emotionally draining. As much as I loved him, I had to give him an ultimatum (which I do NOT believe in) and he chose not to seek help. On the other hand, I have a lifelong friend whose husband has gone to rehab and is doing great! If your fiance’ is motivated to change his life, then great. If not, then it’s time to walk away. Best of luck, dear! Be strong!
Post # 9
@Jd64848704: Beautifully said!
Post # 10
I’m sorry that you’re going through this. I had a similar relationship in the past. Not entirely the same, but we were engaged, he had a ton of things going on in his life that were less than desireable (pain pills included) and though he was a really nice guy and I cared about him a lot, I had to end the relationship. Fast forward a couple of years and I’m married to a guy that makes me incredibly happy. Friends, family, a lot of sadness, and a lot of support got me out of that relationship. If you want to PM me we can talk more.
Post # 11
Unfortunately I too have been in a relationship with an addict. For non-addicts like us it is impossible to understand the need they have to abuse substances of any kind, and their willingness to lie, steal, and betray the ones they love to feed the addiction. It is a lifelong struggle and the SOs often become co-dependent which may be why you have such a hard time walking away. Life with an addict is not going to be easy, and it won’t get better once children enter the picture, so if you do decide to make a go of it please seek out counseling to make absolutely certain you know what you are getting into.
Post # 12
Hard advice follows. Given I have been in your place (my ex husband & son’s father is an alcoholic/addict) & know how hard it is, this is the best thing I could say:
You are not married to him, you need to leave.
You cannot make an addict leave behind an addiction, no ultimatium will work & generally even when they know they have a problem they have to work it out on their own.
Everyone else in his life is enabling him & ESPECIALLY his sister knowing and not turning him in or objecting loudly.
I could NEVER advise marrying someone you KNOW has a drug problem!
I would suggest getting this book “Captivating” by John & Stasi Eldgredge. Part of what makes it so hard to leave is the co-dependency & not having the love for yourself needed to not accept that type of treatment. (You cannot hold on to the IDEA of him, that’s not who he is.) It really helped me begin the heart healing process needed to finally leave.
Life today is 5 million times better than I ever thought it could be when I was with my ex- and I am SO glad I didn’t stay. I have a better life, my son has a better life, & while my ex isn’t using hard drugs anymore (from what I know) he still drinks & it’s literally KILLING HIM!
The longer you stay, the harder it is to leave…. the sooner you can pack your bags the better. So sorry you’re in this position, I do understand, and hope that you can do the hard thing you need to.
Post # 13
Whether you stay or leave depends entirely on how much work both of you are willing to put in to getting him off the pills.
I have known several people throughout my life who have had the same problem. An opiate addiction differs from other kinds of drug problems because the user becomes physically dependant. If they stop suddenly they go through “the sickness”, I’m sure you’re well aware of this.
The only thing you can do is get him hooked up with the nearest methadone clinic and get him to stick to the program. It sucks that he’s lying to you, but that’s what adicts do. That’s not an excuse, just a fact. He will need your love and support to get through this. He will probably slip up at least once, but make sure he gets back on the wagon and keeps going.
Getting over this kind of problem takes a lot of time and a lot of work, but it IS possible. Best of luck to both of you!
Post # 14
I know how it is, OP. I was with someone who had his own addiction: cocaine.
He was short tempered and mean when he was high.
He would scream at me in front of my friends until his face was beat red.
He made me late to my best friend’s wedding that I was a Bridesmaid or Best Man in b/c he had to get home to pick up some coke before the reception (I was niave and didn’t know it was coke he was getting until later the next morning)
He hung out with dangerous people in bad neighborhoods and put me in danger multiple times.
He stole my car.
I left him.
It was the best thing I ever did for myself. It was hard b/c I really cared for him. We were great friends, not just great lovers. Now I’m married to a wonderful amazing man. Do yourself the same favor.
Post # 15
thank you everyone for your insite! i guess its worse than i thought but then again im an addict too. and there are no children with him but i have a five year old daugther. who’s dad is out of the picture so im really nervous to kick him out of her life also…. does rehab ever work? i am debating talking to his mother because i just dont know what else to do. he never does them in front of my daughter nor does he mistreat me in front of her… or id just kill him and not worry about it. lol. what do i do when my daughter is crazy in love with him and my family will never ever understand me just up and leaving….is rehab an option??
Post # 16
Do your daughter and yourself a favor and get out!
I think rehab is very challenging and as you can see from plenty of t.v. programs, celebrities etc etc. Its success rate long term is nothing to write home about.
. My cousins have been flown all over the world for various rehabs (father is millionaire), been givin ultimatums, gone to jail, nearly killed innocent people ( driving while messed up). Needless to say, they haven’t changed, and really don’t appear to want to deal with life any other way. They do all kinds of drugs, pain meds, heroin, coke, alcohol, you name it. Their whole day revolves around degrading others and themselves to get some pills or blow some coke.
Best of luck in your situation, i know its easier said than done! Think about your futures and what you deserve!