(Closed) is this cheating? (its a substance)

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
1458 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

You say it’s not that simple to move out and end the relationship, when in reality it is. He obviously doesn’t care enough about you to quit, so why waste any more time on him?

Post # 4
5667 posts
Bee Keeper

@GoldfishPie: Ditto.

Give him an ultimatum. Either he checks into rehab or your gone- make sure you follow through.

Post # 5
724 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I agree with giving him an ultimatum. I work in a substance abuse detox center and a huge chunk of our clients come in because their families said get help NOW or we will have to seperate ourselves from you permanently. It’s probably one of the hardest things you will ever do but honestly you could be saving his life by being hard on him. 

Post # 6
1749 posts
Bumble bee

@abusedorconfused: How can you build a future with an addict? He needs to work on himself and the lifestyle you are subjecting yourself to is not safe. Leave and never look back. You can not help him, he needs professional help in rehab. 

Post # 7
248 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2012


Well, IMO, the dishonesty that he is creating in your relationship pre-marriage is not a good sign.

It’s not just the fact that he’s doing what you’ve asked him not to, but that he is going behind your back to do so, using your combined finanaces to support it-especially when you have worked SO HARD to give up your vice.

Bottom line-life is not easy. There are temptations everywhere. Your SO should be there to offer support, comfort, and a shoulder to lean on when things get tough. Instead, he’s taking money from your account and running off to snort pills.

Honestly, I would cut my losses. I know it’s easier said than done, but to me he has shown a blatant disregard for your feelings and your impending marriage. He won’t change until he wants to, and by then your life my be way worse for the wear.

You are doing a WONDERFUL job making your life better by giving up the alcohol dependency… take the “New You” and find someone else that is in the same place you are.

Whatever you do, good luck!

Post # 8
5984 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 1999

@abusedorconfused: Being with a person who abuses alcohol or drugs is very challenging.  I dated an alcoholic for a couple years and it was emotionally draining.  As much as I loved him, I had to give him an ultimatum (which I do NOT believe in) and he chose not to seek help.  On the other hand, I have a lifelong friend whose husband has gone to rehab and is doing great!  If your fiance’ is motivated to change his life, then great.  If not, then it’s time to walk away.  Best of luck, dear!  Be strong! 

Post # 10
514 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I’m sorry that you’re going through this. I had a similar relationship in the past. Not entirely the same, but we were engaged, he had a ton of things going on in his life that were less than desireable (pain pills included) and though he was a really nice guy and I cared about him a lot, I had to end the relationship. Fast forward a couple of years and I’m married to a guy that makes me incredibly happy.  Friends, family, a lot of sadness, and a lot of support got me out of that relationship. If you want to PM me we can talk more. 

Post # 11
1252 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

Unfortunately I too have been in a relationship with an addict. For non-addicts like us it is impossible to understand the need they have to abuse substances of any kind, and their willingness to lie, steal, and betray the ones they love to feed the addiction.  It is a lifelong struggle and the SOs often become co-dependent which may be why you have such a hard time walking away. Life with an addict is not going to be easy, and it won’t get better once children enter the picture, so if you do decide to make a go of it please seek out counseling to make absolutely certain you know what you are getting into.

Post # 12
5654 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2011

Hard advice follows. Given I have been in your place (my ex husband & son’s father is an alcoholic/addict) & know how hard it is, this is the best thing I could say:

You are not married to him, you need to leave.

You cannot make an addict leave behind an addiction, no ultimatium will work & generally even when they know they have a problem they have to work it out on their own.

Everyone else in his life is enabling him & ESPECIALLY his sister knowing and not turning him in or objecting loudly.

I could NEVER advise marrying someone you KNOW has a drug problem!

I would suggest getting this book “Captivating” by John & Stasi Eldgredge. Part of what makes it so hard to leave is the co-dependency & not having the love for yourself needed to not accept that type of treatment. (You cannot hold on to the IDEA of him, that’s not who he is.) It really helped me begin the heart healing process needed to finally leave.

Life today is 5 million times better than I ever thought it could be when I was with my ex- and I am SO glad I didn’t stay. I have a better life, my son has a better life, & while my ex isn’t using hard drugs anymore (from what I know) he still drinks & it’s literally KILLING HIM!

The longer you stay, the harder it is to leave…. the sooner you can pack your bags the better. So sorry you’re in this position, I do understand, and hope that you can do the hard thing you need to.

Post # 13
140 posts
Blushing bee

Whether you stay or leave depends entirely on how much work both of you are willing to put in to getting him off the pills.

I have known several people throughout my life who have had the same problem. An opiate addiction differs from other kinds of drug problems because the user becomes physically dependant. If they stop suddenly they go through “the sickness”, I’m sure you’re well aware of this.

The only thing you can do is get him hooked up with the nearest methadone clinic and get him to stick to the program. It sucks that he’s lying to you, but that’s what adicts do. That’s not an excuse, just a fact. He will need your love and support to get through this. He will probably slip up at least once, but make sure he gets back on the wagon and keeps going.

Getting over this kind of problem takes a lot of time and a lot of work, but it IS possible. Best of luck to both of you!

Post # 14
2981 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I know how it is, OP. I was with someone who had his own addiction: cocaine.

He was short tempered and mean when he was high.

He would scream at me in front of my friends until his face was beat red.

He made me late to my best friend’s wedding that I was a Bridesmaid or Best Man in b/c he had to get home to pick up some coke before the reception (I was niave and didn’t know it was coke he was getting until later the next morning)

He hung out with dangerous people in bad neighborhoods and put me in danger multiple times.

He stole my car.

I left him.

It was the best thing I ever did for myself. It was hard b/c I really cared for him. We were great friends, not just great lovers. Now I’m married to a wonderful amazing man. Do yourself the same favor.



Post # 16
7291 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

Do your daughter and yourself a favor and get out!

I think rehab is very challenging and as you can see from plenty of t.v. programs, celebrities etc etc. Its success rate long term is nothing to write home about.

. My cousins have been flown all over the world for various rehabs (father is millionaire), been givin ultimatums, gone to jail, nearly killed innocent people ( driving while messed up). Needless to say, they haven’t changed, and really don’t appear to want to deal with life any other way. They do all kinds of drugs, pain meds, heroin, coke, alcohol, you name it. Their whole day revolves around degrading others and themselves to get some pills or blow some coke.

Best of luck in your situation, i know its easier said than done! Think about your futures and what you deserve!

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