(Closed) Is This Cheating? What Should I do! :( (long post..sorry)

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 1
Member
63 posts
Worker bee

Disclaimer: I am a regular poster using a cover identity.

 

A bit of back story: My Fiance goes away on business about once per month.  He left last night at supper time for another trip.  He is very loving, attentive, and shows his appreciation, love, respect and support constantly.  He is the type that spends every moment he can with me.

 

Last night I went to sign in on my computer to FB.  Well he had not signed out.  So I did what everyone I’m sure considers horrible and checked his messages.  He had one from a strange girl that was not his friend.

 

She had written a lengthy letter telling him how nice it was to talk to him at the bar that night and what a sweet man he seems like.  She then proceeds to tell him that she took his advice about a man she was crushing on in the bar that night. How she had approached the guy at my FI’s suggestion and ended up going home with him and having amazing sex.  Then she goes on to say that it turns out that the guy had a girlfriend (she found out via FB) and how she was crushed he turned out to be a liar, etc. Her next paragraph was asking him how the rest of his night was and how things went with the girl at the end of the bar he was talking to after her.

 

This message was sent to him March 20.  He had opened it.  He has also had messages before it was sent and after, so it’s not like it was at the bottom of the page.

Well I answered this girl back. I told her that this was his Fiance and if she would be so kind as to explain what she meant by the other girl at the end of the bar.  She told me that my Fiance had never mentioned me, and in fact told her he was single. But she had mentioned in her first message that she enjoyed listening to the story of his life and work. So it isn’t like he was just being quiet.

 

The girl and I had a few back and fourths and I thanked her for letting me know this.  She really doesn’t have any reason to lie and was really apologetic to me for finding out in such a harsh way. 

 

Fast forward to the phone call hours later from my Fiance:

–          He admits to being in the bar.  He says he remembers talking to this chick along with others.  He says he remembers going home alone and swears up and down he didn’t cheat. 

–          He doesn’t remember: saying he was single or seeing that FB message from this girl. 

So I asked him, what reason on earth could you possibly say you were single to strange girls in a strange city, at a hotel bar, other than to cheat.  He said he agreed that there isn’t any other reason.   He tells me he loves me more than anything in the world and he would never actually cheat on me.

I don’t think I could ever trust him again.

I will not be seeing him in person for 3 weeks.

 

What would you do?

 

 

 

Tagged: ,

Post # 3
Member
2313 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I’d be sick. You are absolutely right that there’s no excuse for what he did other than he was looking for an opportunity to cheat. Whether that opportunity presented itself or not is not relevant. You don’t go to hotel bars and talk to strange women and either insinuate or flat out say you are single when you have a fiancee at home. There’s just no way I could trust him. 

I’m really sorry about this. I can’t even imagine how terrible it must have been to find this out.

Post # 4
Member
2547 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Ahh man, thats terrible. I’m sorry you had to find all this out. I’m also glad you snooped and found out, instead of what most woman say ” trust” your man. I don’t have a whole lot of advice on what you should do, maybe counselling is in order to sort thourhg your emotions, because like yu said, you can never trust him again. To answer your question on what would I do? I would probably leave him for a few weeks when he gets back, to sort through my own thoughts and feelings, and to let him know this kind of behaviour is not acceptable. I would also, after reconciliation ( because I beleieve I would reconcile) do some couples therapy, to try and heal whatever it was that caused this in the first place,

I’m sorry this happened, it’s not you. I hope you get through this tough time. Hugs!!!!

Post # 5
Member
63 posts
Worker bee

I wish I could chalk it up to her lying but I really don’t think she is.

And the fact that he says he ‘doesn’t remember’ saying he was single is his way of admitting it without admitting. 

Post # 6
Member
2313 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@WasiDuped:

Trust me, she’s not lying. She has nothing to gain or lose by telling the truth to you- HE does. “I don’t remember” is PFFFFT-worthy. Any engaged man should automatically be able to answer that with NO. NO I didn’t say I was single, NO I’d never have said that. There should really be no contemplation or fence sitting on that. 

Post # 7
Member
63 posts
Worker bee

@Cash000:

You really think it’s okay that I don’t walk away and wash my hands completely of him?  To be honest I don’t want to, but I just wonder, with all the counselling in the world, will I ever trust him to be away on business again?

@ohheavenlyday:

And as much as I wish I didn’t, I agree with every word you say.

I went out with my girlfriends a couple of weekends ago and got pretty tipsy.  The more I drank, the more I gushed about my future husband, I didn’t think about him less and tell people I was single!  I just can’t wrap my head around it.

Post # 8
Member
8738 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

(((Hugs)))

I would make it very clear to him that you and he need to have a long conversation when he gets home. That this type of behavior is not acceptable and that if he has any desire to save your relationship he needs to be 100% honest with you and his actions needs to change drastically.

Maybe set up a couples counseling session for the two of you the week he gets home.

I’d also ask him to stop drinking on this business trip. Since he “doesn’t remember” what he does when he goes out to bars and talks to girls, he needs to not do that while he’s away from you.

Post # 9
Member
708 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

This is really not good. He will continue to travel once you are married, and I think everytime he leaves you will be questioning him. I think you will drive yourself crazy. My only suggestion is counciling. You have to determine for yourself if you think you can honestly trust him moving forward. If there is an ounce of doubt you will be in for a lifetime of questions, mistrust and sadness.

Post # 10
Member
767 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I have this problem with a friend of mine, who’s Boyfriend or Best Friend is continuously caught “almost cheating”.  It’s very upsetting because you never know when the “other shoe drops” or if she just caught him in time from actually cheating.

He always swears up and down that the other person is the one making this up and then a day or so later, his story changes, “maybe” he texted her, “maybe” he emailed her, etc.  I do feel for you because on one hand, you want to believe that he came home alone but keep in mind, that he was at that bar chatting girls up.  It might not be cheating but it’s highly innappropriate.

It takes a LONG time to get over this because you never had the signs, you’ll never really know.  You need to be okay with that but you need your Fiance to change his job.  It sounds drastic but you’re worth it – since his job requires him to be away so much, he will always be in those situations – by himself, at a bar….

I’m so sorry this has happened to you….

Post # 11
Member
9824 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Sounds like you have dodged a major bullet finding this out now.

I agree with PP’s she doesn’t have anything to gain by lying to you, he has a lot to lose by telling the truth which he is seemingly unwilling to do.

Post # 12
Member
2820 posts
Sugar bee

If he ‘can’t remember’ and keeps saying that, I don’t think there’s anyway I could stay.  At that point he’s lying and trying to continue to lie and there’s no way I could be in a relationship like that.

If at some point he comes to and all of a sudden remembers the messages and conversations and can explain his feelings, then I think there’s a chance.  His feelings might lead you guys apart but it could be also something that he was just immature about and can learn and grow up from the experience.  I wouldn’t be getting married until I was confidant he had actually used the experience to change and grow though, which is a bit of a long process.

Post # 13
Member
9029 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

He should just be a man ad admit the truth, nothing worse than someone who cant come clean. Why is he denying seeing the facebook message that he actually read? If he wants to have a future with you, the lies gotta stop so you can try to start rebuilding the foundation of trust again

Post # 14
Member
2522 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I agree with ohheavenlyday.  There is no reason for this woman to lie.  Your fiance has some real explaining to do, not remembering isn’t good enough.

Post # 15
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

Oh wow, I am so sorry to hear this. I can almost guarantee you will never find out what actually happened that night, but I believe the girl you messaged that your Fiance said he was single and spoke to another girl at the bar, most likely hitting on her.

And yes, in my opinion that’s cheating. How would your Fiance like it if YOU went to bars and told men you were single – then one of them actually  messaged you on FB to keep talking? It might be one thing if he was drunk and flirty, maybe she just got the impression that he was single and he didn’t actually say it. That is somewhat forgivable, especially from a guy who is about to get married and maybe a little freaked out, that is pretty normal. But it does NOT make it okay to go home with someone else, if he did that it’s over.

Post # 16
Member
9 posts
Newbee

I’m really sorry to hear about all of this. What are the chances this is the only time he’s lied and you just happened to catch him? Not only is he talking to other girls at the bar but he’s completely disregarding the fact he has you in his life, not just as a gf but a FIANCE! I’d give the ring back and thank him for his time. He doesn’t seem to have a problem lying to not only you but anyone he comes in contact with. You need a man that doesn’t tolerate that kind of behavior to beat the crap out of him. It won’t change him, but he definately deserves it. I wish you the best of luck….a good way to think of it, better to find out now than later! 

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