Post # 1
Hey bees I have decided to go anon for this one as I am a regular and my husband knows I use weddingbee.
Maybe it will sound like a sily question and I apologize in advance, but it feels we never want to see or admit that our SO/BF/DH is verbally abusive. Except I have sat back this weekend and thought about things that have happened between us and have come to ask myself: could he really be abusive ? Or is it just a case of “no, he was mad because…, he would never do that to me”.
My Darling Husband is very impulsive. He will get mad over the little things and be ok about things I would think he’d get mad about. But when he does get mad, he scares me. I have told him this many times. For example, last Friday, I was laying on the couch right before we went to bed and I was on Facebook on my phone. A message came in but I didn’t feel like checking it right away (because when you see it, the persons sees you read it etc.) anyways I just kept on scrolling on my wall and my Darling Husband comes behind me and says “you have a message”. I said, “I know, but I don’t feel like looking at it right now because [what I wrote earlier] and I’m tired”. He says ” check it”. I say “no, I don’t want to check it now”.
He proceeds to trying to take my phone from my hands, and I pull away. (At this point you may be wondering why? Because this is common, that if I say no to him about something in my phone if he doesn’t believe me he will threaten to take it and break it and I always give in because I don’t want to set him off when in fact there is nothing to hide it’s just that I find it so silly he acts that way). So he says “Oh. ok, ok you want to do this.” and storms out of the living room. I keep doing my thing on my phone and he comes back 5 minutes later and says “OK NO REALLY you’re gonna piss me off. Show me the message now.” I say “no! why do you always do this? if I were to even ask you ONE time why you don’t check your message, standing behind you, you would lose it. Dont you trust me?” And then he made this big hand gesture like he was going to hit me (never layed a hand on me though but when he is mad he always pretends like he is going to) and snatched my phone from me.
It was a message from my dad ! Anyways he started going crazy mad and said ” I didn’t even look at who wrote you, I just don’t want you to argue when I tell you to show me. I don’t even want to see who it is that wrote you because I know if I do I’m gonna break something here. i’m gonna kill you.” I said “it’s my dad !” and he gets even madder saying “I DONT WANT TO KNOW WHO IT IS, I WILL BREAK YOUR PHONE”. At this point I’m afraid and in curled up in aball on the couch because he is standing up right beside me and hitting the couch. I raised my voice because he kept cutting me off when I tried to speak, and he said ” YOU WANT TO RAISE YOUR VOICE?” and proceeded to bend over to literally scream in my ear “BECAUSE IF YOU WANT TO RAISE YOUR VOICE I WILL TOO AND NO ONE IS GOING TO HEAR YOU ANYMORE”. I covered my eyes and started to cry and he would just say “why are you covering your eyes now huh? I tell you not to raise your voice and when you do and I get mad, now you act surprised”. He storms out of the living room again cursing at me and mumbling things and turning off the lights leaving me in the dark. I cried out “but I’m here! why are you turning off the lights dont you see I am here”. He says “well you can turn them on yourself” and slams the door. Later on he comes back and I tell him to sit so we can talk. He says “I already spoke now if you want to say something say it quick.” It’s always like this. And if i say the wrong things he yells or gets up and leaves or ignores me. I ended up saying the wrong thing which leaded to him repeating “Fuck you” like 5 times and “Go fuck yourself” a couple more.
Finally I stayed crying on the couch and calmed down (he was in the bathroom) and as I was passing the bathroom he opens the door and takes my hand softly. He had run a bubble bath. He had prepared candles and music and a nice bubble bath which I really needed because I was a complete wreck. He turned off the lights and we took a bath. He was being all sweet saying how much he loves me etc. and since the lights were off he couldn’T see me but I was still crying. I guess I just don’t understand him. This is how he gets mad everytime. He doensn’t know moderation. When he is sweet he is absolutely adorable always kissing me caressing me saying he loves me, but then when he gets mad he goes crazy and threatens to break everything and all the above.
Post # 2
thisbeehides: That is emotional abuse 10000%. And the fact that he then does something “nice” to placate you is even worse.
Post # 3
Im not sure if this is a serious post or not, because it seems so obvious. But on the chance this is serious- YES- this is verbal abuse. Do not tolerate this.
Post # 4
thisbeehides: Uhhh…..sweetness can’t cover up crazy. I delt with my ex who was similar for 5 years, and it was the biggest mistake of my life to stay with him for as long as I did. No one should be treated like that. He isn’t just “over reacting,” he is horrible.
My advice, although easier said than done, is leave. Find someone who doesn’t act like an animal at the drop of a hat over stupid things. It’s just a sign of worse to come (unless he somehow accepts that he should seek therapy for this behavior).
It shouldn’t matter if this is “only” when he is mad. There is no excuse for such awful behavior and you shouldn’t make exuses for him. It doesn’t matter if he is prince charming 95% of the time, if he acts like a baby when he doesn’t get his way.
Post # 5
thisbeehides: I’m sorry, this is absolutley 100% abuse. I cringed reading it. I do think that one day he will hit you. Abuse escalates and he is already making the motions of getting physical. This is scary OP, I would leave if I were you.
Post # 6
eeniebeans: Yes it’s a serious post… I asked because 90 percent of the times he isnt like this. Its “only” when he is mad which makes me so confused.
Post # 7
- Wedding: October 2016 - Cape May, NJ
Oh my god reading this made me terrified for you. This is verbal abuse. This is him trying to be in control of you. This is him trying to appear scary and intimidate you. “I just don’t want you to argue when I tell you to show me” really jumps at me because he’s punishing you for not submitting to hsi requast. That is fucked up, and I am so sorry you’re stuck in this. Please don’t just accept and allow this.
Post # 8
OP, please leave. This will only escalate. Please find a friend who will support you through this because he will surely try to guilt trip you as you leave. But you must leave. Please don’t reach a point where you are posting “Is it physical abuse, he really didn’t mean it”.
Sending you lots of hugs and positive thoughts!
Post # 9
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA
This sounds horrifying and yes, 100% abusive. No one deserves a husband who treats her like this.
Post # 10
No question, this is abuse. There’s no reason to blow up over something like that, and threatening you like that is absolutely not okay. Saying things like “But he’s so nice the rest of the time!”, “he just has such a temper!” and “he was so sweet once he’d calmed down” is trying to make excuses for some appallingly bad behaviour.
Post # 11
thisbeehides: This is definitely NOT okay. How long has this been happening. Have you ever suggested counselling. I’m pretty sure this is behaviour you DO NOT want to live with for the rest of your life!
Post # 12
Oh my i didn’t even read the whole thing to know the answer. Yes this is very verbally abusive. To say he will kill you, no one will hear you yell, and to gesture like he is going to hit you; this man sounds straight up psycho to me. He has trust and anger management issues. He needs some help before he actually does go through with something he says he is going to do.
Post # 13
Ckasnoff: eeniebeans: Boxerlover24: FoxFace: spbee: buddiroo:
Thanks all. Anyone who has has been through this or knows someone who did and stayed, have you seen him change? I love him and don’t want to leave him, but I also don’t want this to go on or go further.
Post # 14
thisbeehides: yes, yes, yes, and yes it is emotional abuse that can likely escalate to physical abuse.
My ex H was abusive and would check my phone, emails, Facebook etc..if I refused he would lose his shit.
Please take a look at this:
Please don’t think that because you are married to him that you’re stuck or should allow this to happen.you do not deserve this type of treatment (no one does) at all. You should never llive in fear in any relationship.
ETA: sorry if I scare you but before my ex escalated the abuse into physical harm, numerous times he threatened to kill me. He tried to several times by almost shooting me and by putting a pillow over my face while choking me. If it wasn’t for my ex Brother-In-Law that intervened, who knows if I’d be alive today. What I’m trying to say is, for as crazy as it sounds, believe what he says because they really do mean it.
Post # 15
Definitely abuse, the cycle is just fast between abuse and then the “honeymoon” phase (drawing the bath for you) I was so scared for you just reading this. I can’t even begin to imagine what I would do if my Darling Husband started yelling in my ear like that. I would like to think I would get up and just leave, but it’s easier said than done. He raised his hand to you?! That sounds so terrifying and I hope you gather the courage to leave. Go stay with friends or family and then explain why you left. Make sure to set up a safety plan before you leave. This is absolutely abuse.