(Closed) Is this considered verbal abuse ? Serious question here.

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 151
Member
354 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

thisbeehides:  I used to work for the National Domestic Violence Hotline and yes, this is classic abuse. It will only get worse. Please read The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker and make a safety plan to get out of this relationship. Let a sibling/parent/friend know exactly what is going on, and call 1800-799-7233 for more advice on how to break free. Be sure to seek counseling, too, to help you process what you’ve been through. Please take care. 

Post # 152
Member
13 posts
Newbee

I just signed up for the site, as a long-time lurker, to reply to this thread.

Everyone saying that this could quickly turn into physical abuse is correct. But I’d also like to point out that just because he’s not hitting you right now doesn’t make this okay.

I was in an abusive relationship for a couple of years, and my ex never once hit me. He didn’t even gesture towards hitting me, or threaten to hurt me in any way. But he still RUINED MY LIFE through his manipulation and emotional abuse. He controlled every part of my life – and I let him, because I kept holding onto hope that he was just going through a rough patch and that things would get back to “normal” between us.

My abusive relationship eroded everything else in my life. I was SO focused on trying to keep him happy, and keep up with his weird expectations of me, and I tried to just really, really focus, in the hopes that if we got through our rough patch, that we could be happy, and then I could focus on school, and friends, and family again. But guess what? I spent my entire freshman year of college apologizing to him on the phone, and crying. I didn’t make a single friend that year. I did poorly in my classes. I suffered from a very low self-image and self-esteem for YEARS after that point. He never ONCE hit me, but that doesn’t make a single day of his abuse excusable. It didn’t end until I cut him off entirely. We even broke up and got back together a few times, him promising to change each time. But it’s too easy for him to fall into those same habits with me. We both had far too much emotional baggage to ever treat each other well again, even though I sincerely believe he wanted to fix things between us. Those habits were too strong.

Reading your post felt very, very familiar to me. You’re bending over backwards right now to try to appease somebody who is behaving very irrationally. He’s not demonstrating love towards you right now – when he does, he’s just trying to make up for something bad that he did earlier. If you love somebody, you don’t treat them this way.

You are NOT obligated to show him your private things, to make this go away. It’s a weird request. And giving into weird requests like that, just because it doesn’t seem like that big a deal, sets the precedent for him to make all KINDS of additional requests. Soon, you’ll be saying that “it’s not that bad” that he doesn’t let you go out with your friends ever, because you know he gets insecure and it’s just easier this way. Or “it’s not that bad” that he won’t let you have a Facebook account at all, and if it makes him feel less insecure, that maybe it’s worth it to go without. (All these statements are bullsh*t, by the way.) Unless you’re doing something that’s actually maliciously HURTING him, you have every right to turn down these silly requests. Without a screaming match.

Physical abuse is VERY BAD, but it’s not the only thing to worry about – and even if he never hits you once, it’s still not a healthy relationship. It’s a controlling, manipulative one, that will degrade everything else in your life until you finally put your foot down. Physical abuse shouldn’t be your only dealbreaker. Don’t wait for him to hit you. He’s already doing irreversible damage.

Post # 153
Member
2777 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I’m grateful for every bee that has come to this thread and posted her personal story to let the OP know that she isn’t alone in being/having been in an abusive relationship. I feel admiration for every woman who has shared her story and how she rescued herself and turned it around. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a thread that compels several long time lurkers to sign up and share their story in hopes that it will help the OP and the community.

So thank you OP for being brave enough to tell your story and rally an (albeit online) community around you to give you the support you so greatly need to make better choices for yourself and your little ones. In your case I don’t hope you “find”peace, but I do hope that you “make” your own peace even if that means a lot of scary changes and turmoil before you get there. Be safe. Keep your children safe. Offer yourself and your children the very best life you can.

Post # 154
Member
853 posts
Busy bee

 

thisbeehides:  I’m not gonna talk about abuse…everyone did a great job of covering that. To put it simply:

Point 1 – He does NOT love you. You will NEVER treat someone you truly love in that way. Ever.

Point 2 – Things WILL get worse. He will become meaner, angrier and physical. 

Point 3 – You do not deserve this. Your children certainly do NOT either. This will affect them sooner or later…please remember that.

—————————————————————-

 

katyalanalove:  Really? I think your focus should be the tight vag threads for now. If you can’t see the OP’s Darling Husband as abusive, I don’t even want to imagine the type of advice you’ll give to someone who is in a smilar situation.

Post # 155
Member
123 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

littlechickie:  yes but OK if a woman is sad she cry if a man is upset he shows his feelings different which is not a bad thing and its only a phone he didn’t actually break anything.

I know I have had a couple past abusive relationship from only what she posted I don’t see it really  only everyone likes drama …very sad you know why real abuse victims aren’t taken seriously by police because too many women make such a deal over silly little things that if a woman did to a man no one would care  easily solvable things that if you married someone you need to be strong remember whats important work hard sometimes for the relationship too many people give up too easily on marriage for a few fights but this ruins the family has bad consequences for everyone in it.

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 9 months ago by  katyalanalove.
Post # 156
Member
116 posts
Blushing bee

Wow. 

This is NOT going to change. Get out of this marriage NOW. As an outsider, this seems atrocious, but it’s the same type of behavior my ex exhibited toward me. Only, he NEVER said he would kill me. 

If you try to stay with this man, you are going to end up miserable and wishing you had left, or you will end up hurt or dead. One of these days, he WILL hit you if he is gesturing as he is going to every time he gets mad like that. 

HE WILL NOT CHANGE. I stayed for 10 years. PLEASE DON’T WASTE YOUR LIFE. 

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 9 months ago by  silverdreams.
Post # 157
Member
13 posts
Newbee

katyalanalove:  What? You’re kidding, right? Just because this sounds different from abuse that you’ve experienced, you don’t think it’s abuse, and she just needs to work harder? NO. The way he is treating her is ABSOLUTELY not okay, and it’s also not okay for you to imply that she should stay with this abuser for the sake of her family and just work it out. It’s not that simple. No matter how much work you put into a relationship, if the other person involved is as abusive and irrational as this man sounds, it will never work, and you will only suffer.

Men and women show their emotions differently, you say? So does he get to threaten her and throw irrational tantrums and control her behavior, because he has a sad and “men are just different”? As long as he doesn’t break anything, he gets to behave however he wants? 

NO. this is not okay. I can’t believe you’re telling this woman to suck it up. What is that you said about “real abuse victims”? NO. That is – insane.

Post # 158
Member
608 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

Nope. Nope. Nope. This is definitely emotional/verbal abuse, including the way he later “took care” of you to “make it up”. It’s like, textbook. (I also had my fiance read the OP and sat here staring at the screen saying “NO” repeatedly.)

katyalanalove:  You’re a troll, right? I refuse to believe that eleven pages of telling this woman she needs to GET OUT NOW are just people “wanting drama”.

Post # 159
Member
853 posts
Busy bee

katyalanalove:  What is wrong with you? Women crying when they’re upset can NEVER be equated to a man shouting and threatening to destroy things or kill you. How are those things even remotely similar? 

You sound like one of those women who justify everything a man does based on that old adage ‘boys will be boys’ and think women must be submissive and docile with perfect bodies and empty brains.

Getting a serious Russian mail order bride vibe here.

Post # 160
Member
11650 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

katyalanalove:  nope. that’s not why the police don’t take base victims seriously. One of the reasons they don’t take abuse victims seriously is because abusers have cheerleaders like yourself who minimize and dismiss abusive behavior and blame the woman for it.

FYI, there are experts in abuse and they recognize the signs the OP detailed as classic signs of controlling behavior, the same behavior used to sustain and enable abuse. 

Also, for clarity, there are many kinds of freedom and women are entitled to them all. Sexual, physical, financial, emotional, etc. 

 

Post # 161
Member
556 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

If this post is in fact, not fake, he says he will kill you and you have any question if that is verbal abuse? #2, if it does not bother him to see a woman cry because of him, he is heartless and obviously does not have the typical human capability to sense pain in others, and does not care about you much, if at all. #3, he is 100% manipulating you. He is toxic and makes you emotionally confused. If he threatens to hit you by making a motion with his hand, soon he will actually go through with it and this will no longer be just verbal abuse. LEAVE while you can.

Post # 162
Member
4698 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Arshim:  Nailed it.

katyalanalove:  It would be wise for you to just stop. Your viewpoint is not only pathetic but dangerous. OP has a very serious situation on her hands and needs to leave it for the sake of her safety.

Post # 163
Member
4559 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

katyalanalove:  I am a strong believer in everyone having a right to their opinion and personal truth… however, your opinion and personal truth are the exception. You are talking garbage, damaging, ridiculous, dangerous garbage. 

Post # 164
Member
608 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

Olivepepper:  I don’t know you, but you’ve somehow become one of my favorite people ever in two sentences. You win the internet today.

Post # 165
Member
76 posts
Worker bee

“I’m going to kill you” is more than verbal and emotional abuse. It is a threat against your physical safety and your life. I would not take that lightly. 

Grabbing your phone from you. To me that is borderline physical abuse. And battery. 

I’m worried for your safety  This is only going to escalate.  Please reach out to a domestic violence hotline or find an exit plan, ie stay with a friend. Far too many domestic related murders start out this way.  I used to work as a volunteer domestic violence counselor so I know.  

 

Please stay safe!!

 

 

 

 

 

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