(Closed) Is this considered verbal abuse ? Serious question here.

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 47
Member
121 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

This is definitely verbal/emotional abuse and it sounds like he could eventually get physical. I was in a relationship that sounded a lot like this one, and it unfortuantely got worse before I had the strength to leave. Seek a therapist who specializes in domestic violence issues (emotional abuse is domestic violence!) to help you make a plan to leave. Please take care of yourself. Much love to you! 

Post # 48
Member
1432 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

View original reply
thisbeehides:  Um.  I’m so sorry OP.  Here are some signs of an abusive relationship:

-He intimidates you when he’s angry (you said, “when he does get mad, he scares me”)

-Nothing is ever his fault (he said, ““Oh. ok, ok you want to do this,” as if it was your fault that he flew into an apoplectic rage. “I raised my voice because he kept cutting me off when I tried to speak, and he said ” YOU WANT TO RAISE YOUR VOICE?” and proceeded to bend over to literally scream in my ear “BECAUSE IF YOU WANT TO RAISE YOUR VOICE I WILL TOO AND NO ONE IS GOING TO HEAR YOU ANYMORE”. I covered my eyes and started to cry and he would just say “why are you covering your eyes now huh? I tell you not to raise your voice and when you do and I get mad, now you act surprised”.  Instead of seeing that his violent actions were causing a reaction in you, he is blaming the entire scenario on you, telling you that you are the reason he is so angry… Over a phone text.)

-He is disrespectful towards you (You wrote: He storms out of the living room again cursing at me and mumbling things and turning off the lights leaving me in the dark. I cried out “but I’m here! why are you turning off the lights dont you see I am here”. He says “well you can turn them on yourself” and slams the door. Later on he comes back and I tell him to sit so we can talk. He says “I already spoke now if you want to say something say it quick.” It’s always like this. And if i say the wrong things he yells or gets up and leaves or ignores me. I ended up saying the wrong thing which leaded to him repeating “Fuck you” like 5 times and “Go fuck yourself” a couple more.” For some reason, him turning the lights off on you is so fucking degrading and disrespectful to me. It’s like you don’t even exist to him.  On top of that, he’s unwilling to listen to you, and respect your feelings).

-He exhibits controlling behaviour (I mean, this whole situation was caused because he wanted to check the text on your phone, as in, he doesn’t trust you).

-He is self-centered (see all of the above)

 

Truthfully, I want to tell you to run.  Run far away from this guy.  How many times have you seen a woman who was physically beaten by her husband, who then goes on to apologize and “make it up” to her, and tells her he loves her?  This is the exact same thing but using verbal abuse instead.  He made you a g*dd*mn bath and felt that that was apology enough.  

The warning signs that I listed for you were from an article titled, “Early warning signs and the beginning of an abusive relationship”.  So it’s only going to get worse from here.  The fact that he raises his hand to you as if he’s going to hit you is so SO disturbing.

What would your mother and father say if you told them this?  

Run.  Run far away and never look back.

Post # 49
Member
1037 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Merritt Winery

Yes, his behavior is abusive. You should never tolerate being scared of your partner. I’m echoing all of what is being said. I’m going to add one thing that popped into my head. Please do not take this the wrong way. I  am not victim blaming/shaming in any way. However, your denying his wanting to look at your phone seems a little passive aggressive to me. 

This DOES NOT excuse his behavior. There is no excuse for the abuse he puts you through. I would be upset if Darling Husband “hid” his phone from me. I would not fly off the handle, like your guy. I would be upset though.

You deserve way better than the abusive behavior you are tolerating right now.  

Post # 50
Member
17 posts
Newbee

I had to sign up just to comment. Plenty of my close friends have stayed with an abusive boyfriend (despite my contradicting advice that they should leave ASAP) hoping they would eventually change. Unfortunately that did not happen and things progressively got worse. One of my friends even attended anger management seminars hoping it would help her ‘understand’ him but the reality is that she was not the problem, he was. A lack of respect for their significant other means they will never truly put in the hard work to manage their issues and volatile abusive personalities and even if they do, progress is limited and it may feel like you are stepping on eggshells, flinching at the slightest shadow of a palm or raise of a voice. What I am trying to say is that it is a bleak path for someone who is with an abusive person like this and you will find that it isn’t really worth it in the end. Sometimes it helps to get some neutral perspective but it seems pretty clear that you should get out whilst you still can. Think about if your daughter or your mother confessed in you about the scenario that you spoke to us about. They would be disgusted and worried. Frankly I feel the same and I do not even know you! Control, jealousy, anger, volatile temperament – just a despicable human being. I am sorry but please evaluate whether the love you feel is worth holding onto when somebody makes you feel like this.

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 2 months ago by  ObeseUnicorn.
Post # 51
Member
3755 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

There is nothing to be confused about, he’s abusive. I don’t care how many days he’s nice to you or how many baths with candles he runs for you, abusive is abusive is abusive and he will NOT change. Sure he hasn’t hit you… yet, but I guarantee it’s only a matter of time whether you choose to believe that or not. And what about down the line if you want to have kids, do you really want your children growing up with this type of role model? Don’t for one second think that he will change when kids come or that he will be different around the kids and they won’t see this behavior. This cycle will continue forever unless you break it. Get out of it. Fast. 

Post # 52
Member
928 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

This is really scary. Please call a domestic violence shelter and find out some basic info in case you ever need to run, and please seek couple’s counseling and individual counseling for your husband. The fact that he was so over the top sweet afterwards is almost creepier to me than the initial outburst. I’m actually a bit afraid for you. I hope you stay safe. 

Post # 53
Member
4241 posts
Honey bee

Ugh, I had a knot in my stomach reading this. 100% abusive and 100% not OK. Of course he’s not like that all the time- most abusers are able to put up a front. Do you have anyone you can stay with or the number for a domestic violence hotline? 

View original reply
rosegoldgirl:  honestly, why even bring that up? How is it helpful? 

Post # 54
Member
2020 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

View original reply
thisbeehides:  Get out now 🙁 This is no way to treat a partner and it’s not fair to you. He cannot communicate like an adult and clearly has anger issues. He needs help but it’s not help you can give him. I don’t know your story but you have to know you did nothing to deserve the way he’s treating you. There is no excuse, find a place to stay and leave him.

Best wishes.

Post # 56
Member
758 posts
Busy bee

I know how scary it must be reading all of these posts confirming your fears. And I know that it’s probably terrifying to hear all of these people telling you to leave your husband — the man you’re building a life with. 

But right now, you need to be brave. Because leaving your husband now takes a lot of bravery all at once, but it’s not nearly as scary as facing a life of emotional, verbal, and eventually physical abuse. And yes — this will lead to physical abuse. 

So get out now. While you don’t have kids he can use to emotionally manipulate you, which he almost definitely will. Nobody will judge you — everyone will be incredibly proud of how strong you are.

I highly recommend getting in touch with a domestic abuse center before letting him know that you plan to leave. Then, do NOT tell him alone, or get your things alone. 

Good luck, and don’t be afraid to ask for help! There are lots of resources out there — you don’t have to face this alone.

Post # 57
Member
1432 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

View original reply
rosegoldgirl:  It certainly sounds like you’re victim blaming to me.  In what way is it passive-aggressive to not show him her phone? Why is he even asking her for it?  This is repetitive behaviour from him.  Should she give in to every agressive action that he displays, because that way he won’t ever have an excuse to “fly off the handle”?  What you describe is exactly what an abusive relationship looks like.

Post # 58
Member
1041 posts
Bumble bee

I wouldn’t let him see my phine either.  He’s not your parent. You’re nyo untrustworthy. He has no right to demand to see your phone. 

Post # 59
Member
677 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - SPRING VALLEY COUNTRY CLUB

So what happens when he isn’t hitting the couch anymore? Or threating to break your phone? What about when it’s you he’s hitting? And your bones he’s breaking?

It’s fairly clear to me and everyone else who’s commenting, that he’s abusing you.

You say it only happens when he’s mad, How often is that exactly?

So do you walk on egg shells around him? Just he doesn’t have a blow up? 

Do you really feel this is what you deserve?

I bet if you asked your friends or the men in your family if what you’re going through was verbal abuse, they’d have some pretty good choice words for your Husband.

The fact that he’s really sweet to you after he abuses you, is probably to keep you confused and coming back. You yearn for the sweet, loving and tender man you get most times.

I bet you probably think a lot of his outbrust are your fault too.

IT’S NOT! You are being abused. And it’s going to get worse if he doesn’t get help.

You not showing him your phone is a non issue. He shouldn’t be asking for it in the first place.

 

Post # 60
Member
213 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2016 - Rockfield Manor - Bel Air, MD

Definitely abuse. Please leave him. I know that’s hard and scary, but you are not safe in that relationship.

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