(Closed) Is this considered verbal abuse ? Serious question here.

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 76
Member
636 posts
Busy bee

luna_c:  Possibly, but honestly, that’s to deal with in therapy later. It’s dangerous to microanalyze how a victim in an abusive situation could have behaved differently while they are still in the abusive relationship. You can’t even process healthy behaviors in that toxic soup.

Post # 77
Member
1432 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Annonnie89:  I’m sorry that you feel it’s easier to give in to someone’s abusive demands than to expect civil and respectful behaviour from them.

Post # 78
Member
310 posts
Helper bee

Sephiroth:  Fully agree.  I just thought it was a bit of a leap to accuse some PPs of victim shaming.  Obviously, all of our opinions are secondary to concern for you, OP, and the sincere wish that you get help.  You and your family sound like you’re in true, immediate danger, and it is VERY possible for you to get the help you need to get out.  I have to think you posting this was a cry for help, and there is plenty of help out there to be found.

Post # 79
Member
3092 posts
Sugar bee

RUN, GET OUT, Do not pass go, do not collect…

Especially before you have children with this man.  You have an abusive husband. The fact that he has the audacity to even ‘pretend’ to raise his hand at his wife…

Why are you putting up with this? *heavy sigh*

Post # 80
Member
526 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

luna_c:  I agree with what you said.  I just ended my engagement.  My ex fiance was going down this path, but we were only in the early stages.  He was calling me names, putting me down.  (I discovered that he was cheating on me with multiple women after I broke up with him.)

What scared me the most wasn’t even his behavior, but who I was becoming.  Being abused changes the way we react.  I found myself overreacting to silly things (and not reacting when I should have).   The more he abused me, the slower my reactions became. I’d lash out at the wrong moments and really did look like a crazy woman.

The saddest part here is that the OP has children with this man.  I am very worried that he will try to make her look like the unstable one.  The sooner she leaves, the quicker her mental stability will return.  She needs that to deal with the situation in front of her.

Post # 81
Member
359 posts
Helper bee

I stopped reading when he said he was going to kill you… run!!!

that is definitely verbal abuse, psychological, emotional and seems like any day now it could turn into physical…

 

If running isn’t an option, maybe seek counseling and make him seek counseling too?? but really I just want to say, get out of there.. asap.. sorry 🙁

Post # 82
Member
1399 posts
Bumble bee

By staying in this relationship you will be damaging your children.  Some might even say you are abusing them by keeping them in that environment…

Post # 83
Member
919 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

I am so worried about you, and your children right now.  You have no idea.  

To answer your question, yes his being abusive.  Now on to the implications. 

He will almost certainly escalate into physical violence, and don’t think for one minute that your kids haven’t heard.  I can virtually guarantee they have.  

You need to leave but you need to make a plan first, don’t just do it on a whim because if he blew up over not seeing a text from your Dad, I cannot imagine what he would do over you packing up the kids and leaving.  Tell a friend or family member, contact a shelter, do what you need to do, but have a plan before you do it.

Post # 84
Member
2573 posts
Sugar bee

Do your children the most important favor you will ever do them and leave your husband, they will thank you when they are older. My father abused my mother for most of my younger years and I vividly remember watching in horror most nights, I prayed ever day that my mother would leave him.

Also because I grew up in a house where abuse was the norm I ended up repeating that cycle with men I dated. Would you want you children married to someone like your husband?

Leaving is very hard I know I did it. I was in university I had no money, no car, no where to stay, no family to lean on he had controlled every aspect of my life so when it came time to leave I had to almost disapear. He also had threatened to kill me and I believed him , one day he would have if I hadn’t left.

Like PP said you need to plan your exit and do it at a time where you can get away somewhere that he can’t get to or doesn’t know about. Do not let him convince you to come back, I left once before I left for good and the abuse resumed almost immediatly despite his crying and saying he would never do it again.

 

Post # 85
Member
274 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

This may sound crazy but this reminded me of the Tyler Perry movie “Madea’s family reunion”. You need to watch it to see the advice from Madea. Yeah it may be a movie but there is a lesson in it.

 

You’re clearly not trusted, respected, or valued in your relationship. Things will only get worse over time. You don’t deserve to be scared of your husband. He has serious insecurities and he is the one who needs help. You need to leave. I hope everything turns out okay and you can get out before he completely loses his mind and physically hurts you. 

Post # 86
Member
3063 posts
Sugar bee

thisbeehides:  what the actual F? get ready for some tough love…

i had this big post to write to you in my head about how this is 100% abuse and you deserve better… but now i see your update. 

everyone on here has already told you the same thing and you just tell him he needs to change. Yes, because every person with anger issues who like to scream and yell at women until they are curled up in fear, who threatens to break your property and if i recall correctly said “im going to kill you” – will respond very well to a letter and will remember the promises they made the next time they get mad. 

YOU HAVE KIDS! you can sit here and tell me that he has only yelled at you when they are asleep, i can guarantee you they have heard you fighting. I can guarantee it will happen in the future. What a horrible way to grow up listening to your father scream at your mother and cuss at her and hear things breaking over a message from grandpa! Don’t you see how twisted this is?

You need to suggest he/ you both got to counseling ASAP. You are being controlled if you “defy” him. I am sorry, this is a sore spot for me too so i apologize if i am coming off mean, but i cant stand to see kids get wrapped in these situations because mom thinks he is gonna change. He wont.

I pray that you find what you need to help you. Whether that is leaving or working through this with him. Either way, You cannot let him keep treating you like this. This is no prince charming. 

 

Post # 87
Member
102 posts
Blushing bee

Reading this post actually made me upset. This is definitely abuse. If I were you I would be moving out SO fast. 

Post # 88
Member
2257 posts
Buzzing bee

thisbeehides:  abusers break down their partners emotionally, physically and then sweet talk them. Basically it’s a “you cant make it without me” and they hold all the power.

please go stay with your parents or a friend and get away from him. This will only escalate with him hitting you or worse.

there are women’s crisis hotlines and centers that will help women in your situation.

Post # 89
Member
460 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

Just saw the latest update. I don’t know what future behavior you’re waiting for to make a decision, OP.

Your partner said they would kill you.

That is not love. That is not kindness. That is dangerous.

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