Post # 1
Last night after posting about where to really start and while reading and chatting in bed, Fiance said : What if we just did something with us and just your mom?
Our families are… families and while we love them… there’s a lot of drama. My mom is very “do what makes you happy. Here’s the checkbook.” But she’s retired and I seriously cringe when I look at the numbers for just the venue, food, and bar. What if she needs a new roof or something happens medically. That feeling of “this is so much money…” has been eating at me and been really the only aspect I have focused on for any planning – What’s the cost?
By definition an elopement is secret and private, between only the couple. But we both really would want my mom to be there.
We are thinking tropical… loads of islands in the Caribbean and hawaii.
We could actually fully pay for it while not digging into our buy a house savings (main reason I feel my mom wants to cover the big wedding).
We weren’t going to register and do no gifts if we had a wedding. So, no gift grabbing mentalities here.
We want a very laid back “reception”. We’ve actually talked having it catered by a bbq place for years because it’s fun and less formal and different than the same old filet mignon and crab cakes we’ve had at every other wedding. But most venues have their own catering company or will only allow specific caterers in.
So my questions:
Is it an elopement or a tiny destination wedding?
How do you kindly deal with the remarks that I feel we’ll get from only two family members?
Do you have a little get together after to bring the families together? And is bbq too casual or just right?
How do you communicate all of this? Or do you?
I am putting this in destination weddings, but let me know if I need to move it. Thanks, bees!
Post # 2
- Wedding: September 2016 - State Park
I would consider it an elopement, a planned elopement. Most elopements have a witness or two.
Do what makes you happy. My fiancé and I have tossed the elopement idea around for over a year, when we brought it up with family and friends almost all were supportive.
As far as the BBQ idea it’s perfect. Whether we elope or have a big wedding we plan on having a BBQ reception.
Post # 3
beachybridemrsd2bee: I would think of it as a private ceremony and love the idea. Take your mom and have a beautiful, private, wedding ceremony where ever you wish.
On return, you can have a small BBQ reception. “John and Jane Doe have chosen to have a private wedding ceremony. Please join (mom’s name) in celebrating the recent marriage of her daughter to husband.” Or have “us” rather than your moms name if you wish to not have a host/hostess named.
be sure to have “your presence is the only gift we request” or something similar to show you wish to have no gifts and this is not “gift grabby”.
As for how to kindly deal with the 2 family memebers who may be upset. First, know that even if you had a huge wedding… these 2 would not be happy. SOMETHING will upset them. So kindly, answer their questions but only once. “Thank you for asking and thank you for understanding that John and I wanted a private ceremony.” Honestly, they do not need an answer. 😉
Post # 4
It doesn’t really matter what you call it. I tend to associate elopements with an unplanned marriage. My Fiance and I are getting married in Mexico next month (just us, the officiant, and a photographer). I am calling it a private ceremony since it’s planned but there’s no guests.
Oh I got the negative remarks. I usually try to lighten the mood by making a joke, my favorite defense mechanism! I say something like “yeah, well we’re a little weird so we’re doing things that aren’t quite traditional”. I’ve had my dad and grandmother seriously ask why it’s private, and I tell them that it’s something I always wanted and I strongly feel that my vows between my future husband and I are private. I’ve never had anyone push back more than that.
Yes, we’re having a big-ish get together! It started with a backyard BBQ but since we’re getting married in February, I didn’t want to wait til summer to do the reception. We got an indoor venue in March that serves amazing Italian food and we’re just having a big feast with dancing and lots of wine. 🙂 We’re expecting 75 people. Our budget for this is $10K.
I communicated this to people ask they asked what our plans were. It’s not a secret or anything. Our reception invites say “We are tying the knot in Mexico on 2/16! Join us to celebrate the marriage of Mr. and Mrs. M on 3/19 at Place at Time. RSVP to blah blah blah”. And then at the bottom there’s a little banner that says “Join us for dinner, drinks, and dancing!” just so that people know what we’re going to be doing.
Post # 4
I’d call that a private ceremony. Sounds great! Good luck and best wishes!
Post # 5
I eloped and will be having a vow renewal (this summer) for our 15th wedding anniversary with a few of the standard wedding traditions just because we can! 😉
There will be snarky comments from some family members but just remember it’s about you and your fiancé doing what makes you happy! 😉
i think a bbq after is a is a great way for everyone to come together to celebrate your marriage.
Post # 6
BrideK2Wings: “First, know that even if you had a huge wedding… these 2 would not be happy. SOMETHING will upset them.”
It’s like you know them! 😉
Thank you for all the advice! I like all the wording you put together for me. Thank you, thank you!
Post # 7
I am calling ours a “destination elopemnet”. At first, we thought we’d let close friends know the place, day and time at the all-inclusive jamaican resort we’re going to for our “wedding-moon”. But then it seemed like some people who really can’y afford it were thinking of going into hock to try to go. And then FI’s immobile, ill mom wanted to try to show up. And we figured his sister (sometimes overbearing, judemental) would try. And that would mean lots of people upset at being left out or not “invited”. And part of us wanting everything so simple and small is FI’s social anxiety in the first place, and his desire to NOT have his mom or sister nit-picking everything, so I am now asking everyone to please not plan on “surprising” us, based on cost for them, simplicity for us, and telling friends we’ll try to plan a big get together river trip later in the summer to get together and celebrate.
So we are “eloping” because we want it just us, but it’s planned.
Post # 9
Isilme: I think my issue is close to yours. When I first thought of “big wedding”, I figured it would be the easiest way to be as inclusive as possible to not hurt feelings while also being the simplest way to not have to really deal with some family members who can be a bit… “fun” in a more intimate environment such as a small wedding wherever destination wise. We’d love for our friends to be there and some family members we’d love to be there, but the buffer between us and the “fun” guests the big wedding creates is really the only aspect of it that excites me of doing something like that.
I’m not typically someone who needs any form of validation, but the idea of a wedding has made me feel i really need to please others. Not in a I better do x, y, and z. But more of being inclusive and doing the traditional bit just to not have to deal with backlash. I love all the bees saying to focus only on what we want and that our love and marriage are what is important, not pleasing uncle so and so. My mom has the same mentality and due to her having a big wedding she didn’t want has always been supportive of whatever I’d want to do. I looked around at sandals resorts as well as ideas in the Virgin Islands (since it is us with less restrictions on waiting around the island and etc for the marriage), and it really is more of my bag.
Before we moved for work, my dream was a wedding at sunset at this modern hotel right on the beach and boardwalk in our old “hometown”, with a cocktail hour, and then dinner with good wines. I wanted to skip the dj and maybe have a friend’s band just do the first dance song, but that’s really it. I wanted to order a few different cakes from this great bakery downtown so folks could try whatever they wanted.
I really thought I’d be excited about planning a wedding. I work in graphic design and marketing, so I have a ton of ideas. But even the thought of having to create invitations just makes me want to crawl into a hole. The thought of marriage and spending my life with my partner in crime makes me happy and is what I am looking forward to and I can’t wait! However, Not being excited about a wedding just makes me feel like something is wrong with me…
Sorry so long!
Post # 10
beachybridemrsd2bee: lol – Fiance and I both are artists/graphic designers. And yes, I love desiging stuff for others but know I’d waffle forever about something for us. I think I like a little leaving the final choice up to the client at times.
As an option to Sandals, I can suggest where we are going – Couples Resorts, Swept Away in Jamaica. I found it most helpful to simply ask a travel agent for some quotes about costs, and they were a little cheaper than Sandals, because they spend less money advertising. It’s also supposed to be a bit more laid back, and less formal, which appealed to us, and I chose Jamaica because the require stay prior to marriage seemed shorted than most other places in the Carribbean. I used tripguy.com after reading a lot of good reviews for them on Trip Advisor, and they don’t charge you anyhting, especially if you are just askin questions.
At frist, we’d wanted to elope to the Grand Hotel in Michigan, where the movie Somewhere in Time was filmed, but for the small wedding and the stay, it was going to cost too much.
Post # 11
I would consider your idea a planned elopement!
We are doing something similar in Hawaii. It will just be us, an officiant and a photographer on our favorite beach. I hope our wedding day will be low key, stress free, and 100% about us. Feel free to msg if you’ll like any specifics! Needless to say, it didn’t take very long to plan!
I was a bit nervous about telling people our plans and expected some push back, but we have gotten only positive responses from friends and family. As well as a few people expressing their envy that they didn’t / couldn’t do the same 🙂
Post # 12
Sounds amazing to me.
I would have done it but my Grandad has been waiting my entire life for a wedding and he’s really frail now so we’re having it at home.