(Closed) Is this email from the shower host gift-grabby? Or am I overreacting?

posted 4 years ago in Parties
Post # 2
3687 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

So basically she’s saying, “everyone is expected to send a gift, but I don’t plan on actually “hosting” the shower in any way since you’re all going to be paying for your own food and drinks. Oh, also, the bride can’t be bothered to actually open the gifts you all are thoughtfully picking out for her and paying for, so just drop it on that table over there and you might get a thank you note in several weeks.”

Yeah, that would rub me the wrong way too.

Post # 4
8901 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

i hope you are not a bridesmaid.  ugh. i would decline this invitation and not attend shower or send a gift.  i hope you aren’t that close with the bride.  otherwise, i probably would say something about the strange email.


Post # 5
242 posts
Helper bee

Yea I am with you guys. It’s weird at the very least, rude at the worst. No one is hosting if she is asking you to pay, and in advance is even worse is my opinion! And wrapping gifts in clear wrapping paper is very strange. And I don’t think of showers as gift grabby, just so you know this comes from a person with a different perspective!

Post # 6
46753 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

HopefulForLittleOne:  When etiquette is ignored, it isn’t long before it is ignored completely.

You are:

  • invited to pay to attend a shower tht she is pretending she is hosting
  • expected to send a gift whether you can attend or not and whether you choose to or not
  • not be a nuisance and actually expect the bride to open gifts at the shower

If the bride would rather enjoy the company of her friends than open gifts, I would suggest to this hostess that perhaps a luncheon would be more appropriate.



Post # 7
6002 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

HopefulForLittleOne:  I have to say it’s worded very poorly. At least say, “If you cannot attend the shower and would still like to send a gift…” And yeah, scrap that clear wrap line. What the heck???

Post # 8
2958 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Wynn Las Vegas

Yikes! I think you are ok to ask if there is a discounted price for people who won’t be drinking. That clear wrapping comment is so strange! You’re right, why even wrap?! 

Post # 9
2610 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014 - Madison, WI

That would annoy me too. Paying to attend a shower and being told how to wrap a gift. No.

When I can’t make it to a shower and want to send a gift I contact the hostess myself and work out the best way to send a gift. I wouldn’t even mind that part so much because it can be handy to just know ahead of time but everything else is just kind of rude.

Post # 10
1669 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Did this email go out to all the attendees? How gauche. Are you a host or a guest? It seems like you are a guest, in which case you should NOT be asked to pay for your own food. Also, though people often send a gift if they cannot attend a wedding, you do not have to send a gift if you can’t attend a shower.

She obviously has no idea what “host” a party means. I would decline, NOT send a gift, and see the bride another time – a lunch or dinner is a lovely gesture. You don’t have to give a reason for declining, just RSVP that you are sorry you can’t make it that day.

Also, horrified by that clear-wrapped present thing. Is this just something that has grown out of showers that are so enormous and gift-grabby that its impossible to join the bride in unwrapping a few gifts? Unwrapping the gifts at my shower did NOT take that long.

I know people on this board are constantly chiming in with “who cares about ettiquite, its your day!” and all that jazz (usually because they don’t even understand what ettiquite IS) but the lack of ettiqute, taste, and even common sense displayed by this hostess is amazing. I would be mortified if I were the bride.

Post # 11
856 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I agree that all showers are a bit gift grabby…although I had both a bridal and baby shower. I however absolutely do not nor did my hostess force anyone to bring or send a gift or pay for their own food/drinks.  If I was invited to a shower like this I wouldn’t go and send a gift to the bride w my regrets. There is no way I’d pay to go to a shower and bring a gift that’s rude of the supposed hostess. Maybe you should talk to the hostess and say how you feel. Maybe they are oblivious to proper etiquette of these things. It wouldn’t hurt. 

Post # 13
2268 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I honestly didn’t even finish the e-mail because I was getting heated–LOL! No but seriously, I’m not sure why cost would even be discussed with you. As a guest, you are not supposed to pay for your own meal. It also felt a bit like a subpoena for gifts, considering that it seemed that if you got an invite, you still had to send something.



Post # 15
4916 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I can appreciate that she’s trying to be efficient but that comes off pretty rude. Not gift grabby but still ick. The poor bride is probably mortified.

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