Is this emotional abuse? Do I stay or go?

posted 1 year ago in Relationships
Post # 46
Member
1079 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Yes it’s abuse. Yes you should pack up and leave when he’s on his trip. See a laywer, open your own bank account, and take care of yourself and your cat.

Post # 47
Member
68 posts
Worker bee

He is definitely abusive. I am sorry the person you love turned out to be so terrible. 

I really want to punch him for the keeping cool and apathetic while you get more upset when you are trying to discuss your feelings. Of all the things my abusive ex did to me, that was the worst for me. I dislike your husband so much!

 I know you feel alone and scared. You are worried about affording to live since you probably haven’t had any real control over your money for years. But you have got to get out of this relationship. You don’t want to start making excuses for it being your fault when he starts leaving bruises on you. 

Start making arrangements, looking at places to move, saving some money away on the side, even spare change, it adds up. Make a plan and leave. Don’t let him know what you are doing or where you are going. You will have to go no contact. 

Material things can be replaced, your well-being cannot. He sounds very similar to my ex. If you need someone to talk to/ listen, message me anytime. It will be hard, but you are stronger than what he has made you believe. 

Post # 48
Member
671 posts
Busy bee

Oh gosh. As I was reading this, it was so eerily similar to a relationship I used to be in. No one has ever made me cry the way that my ex did with the way he spoke to me. He would make me feel like shit for bringing up perfectly understandable, reasonable things, and I’d be reduced to a snivelling, dejected mess in no time.

These relationships are really confusing, upsetting and difficult to leave. On the one hand, nothing you do seems to be enough or good enough for these men, and on the other hand, they don’t seem to want to leave you or let you go. They keep making you believe that if you could just improve, if you could just jump through their hoops, they would love you and you could have a happy relationship.

It’s hard to extricate yourself from such a relationship because you start doubting your own judgment so much. This is exactly how I felt, and I can see from your post that it’s how you feel. Every time I would think of leaving, I would wonder if there was something more I could try to please him or make things better.

In every argument me and my ex had, he would make sure he had the upper hand. He would twist my words, he would laugh, he would lie, but he would never make himself vulnerable. Of course, no problems ever got resolved because every time I tried to bring up something of concern, he would escalate it and become upset, and I would always end up being the one apologising. 

The feeling of walking on eggshells and being worried that small, harmless things will set him off is something I dealt with a lot in that relationship too. The goalposts keep moving and you can never tell what will make them explode or when they will ruin what should be a happy occasion (honestly when you spoke about him ruining camping trips and birthday dinners I just shook my head because this was my ex through and through).

It’s no way to live. It really doesn’t matter what label you give his behaviour. Your feelings are the clue that you need to leave. The fact that you tried to leave him years ago is a huge sign that this relationship is all wrong. Don’t worry about justifying this decision to yourself and others. You know that this man and this relationship is all wrong for you. Just go. Love is supposed to feel good. You do not have to stick around for anything that makes you feel this way.

 

 

Post # 49
Member
1626 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

yes, it’s abuse. 

While reading your post, my heart rate grew increasingly faster and my blood started to boil. 

He is gaslighting you, he is emotionally abusive, and he is only a few steps away from you completely losing your shit. 

My ex used to do this shit to me. He is a narcisstic rapist asshole. May he burn in hell forever. He used to threaten my cats too. IT WAS HELL. I know exactly what you are going through Bee. 

Please check out Lisa A. Romano on youtube. She also wrote several books one called ‘the road back to me’. She is so helpful on how to detach from narcissistic abuser. 

Come up with a plan. Start saving money to move out. Please get an attorney. Document all the abuse because your notes have a place in court it will paint a not so great picture of him. 

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. YOU are a wonderful unique beautiful human being with her own special talents and abilities and YOU do not need to stand for this abuse one moment longer. 

Detach detach detach Bee. Your number one priority right now is ‘get the hell out of Dodge’. 

Please check out Lisa videos and good luck to you Bee. Once you leave, you will feel a huge weight off your shoulders. You and your (two) kitties can leave in peace away from this asshole and you can enjoy and love your beautiful free life that God gave you. We only have one life, don’t waste it on this jackal. 

Good luck Bee, 

Post # 50
Member
114 posts
Blushing bee

I don’t really have much useful advice, but holy hell this guy sounds like a piece of work! I read your entire post and this absolutely sounds like emotional abuse to me. I really hope you’re able to leave and get on with your life as smoothly as possible. So sorry you’re going through this bee

Post # 51
Member
6 posts
Newbee

anongirl235 :  THIS IS 100% emotional abuse. Please get away right now!! I am qualified to tell you this because I literally put a post on here last night and I went through almost the same exact shit. It’s honestly like reading my own experience. Girl RUN. Block him get away. Check into therapy ASAP. I started getting supremely depressed and wanted to die exactly a month after and I spiraled our of control. Until I got therapy I didn’t even know why I was feeling suicidal. This kind of abuse fucks you up in more than one ways. Ill message you privately to talk more. Please get you you deserve so much more beautiful 

Post # 52
Member
4 posts
Wannabee

Wow, I couldn’t even finish reading.  You should leave.  There is no reason for him to treat you nor talk to you the way he does.  And the way he treated your cat— if he can handle a defenseless animal like that, how will he handle you when he gets to a certain point?  Stay safe Bee. 

Post # 53
Member
1318 posts
Bumble bee

your question is irrelevant. labeling his behavior isn’t important. he’s a nightmare to live with and is aggressive with your defenseless pet. lawyer up and leave. take the cat.

Post # 54
Member
754 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2018 - City, State

anongirl235 :  

Ok I’m a Case Manager running a program in DV.

I sskim read most of it and yea it’s emotional and social abuse just from what you mentioned. The animal treatment is a huge red flag too. 

I’m sure there are other things you haven’t mentioned and this is just the top. I don’t know where you are from but in Australia statistically it can take a woman 7 times on average to leave at relationship like this. There is a cycle that abusers use which you described when you tried leaving he started to woo  you back again. It’s a vicious cycle.

You are right to ask the question you have asked. You are not overreacting and you have labelled this correctly. I advise you to go visit a local DV shelter for advice and support. most can take you on as an outreach client. they can assist with giving you options so you know what you can do and you can make an informed plan.

Because to leave you will need to look at legal assistance for finances, moving out, accommodation etc. and they can often get you free or cheap assistance. Also relevant to your area. 

They can also set you up with a safety plan in case anything escalates. 

Post # 56
Member
8814 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

anongirl235 :  You’re not broken, he is. It’s hard now and might be for a while yet, but it will get better. You will feel such relief. You are smart, strong, and clearly a kind and loving person. Give yourself time to heal, and do not let him talk you out of your decision. You are on your way to a happier life. 

Post # 57
Member
3838 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

Nobody is mean and horrible 100% of the time. Just because he may have done some sweet things over the years does NOT mean he is a good partner. He is controling, petty and angry. Get a lawyer and get out. 

It is hard, but you can do it and you will be ok. You will. You’ll have your cat with you and you can get her the friend you wanted! Just take it one day at a time.

Post # 58
Member
530 posts
Busy bee

Yes he might of done alot of really very sweet things in the beginning but that does NOT mean he is a good partner for you now like he was from the start – bc he is now controlling, angry, petty, calls you names…etc. 

You deserve much better than this. I know it is hard to leave him but, you can do it & you will be ok also give yourself time to heal. Also don’t let him talk you out of your decision either. You are on your way to a much happier life bee! 

Post # 59
Member
2669 posts
Sugar bee

Bee, start talking to a lawyer now to get advice. Moving while he’s gone seems best. Get yourself and kitty out of there fast!!! You WILL be ok and you’ll be so much happier in time!!!

I think most women struggle with the “but he used to be so nice/sweet” thing in a break up. The best advice I’ve heard for that, is every time you think of a good memory, think of a bad memory, and the reason you left. There’s a reason why you left!!

Please keep us updated!

Post # 60
Member
754 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2018 - City, State

anongirl235 :  

it is a responsibility that you find another relationship like this (statistically that’s accurate)

However the fact that you are aware of it being a possibility is a huge step in avoiding it, and i guarantee that you will be able to see alot of red flags going forward.

I wouldn’t worry about that now though, you have some healing and big changes ahead of you right now and I really urge you to get support with this, as the point of leaving can be the worst parts in these situations. I really hope you have a friend or family member helping you x

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