(Closed) Is this fair? Advice please (Bit of a RANT)

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
14181 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Is everything 100% joint?

Post # 4
2738 posts
Sugar bee

Money is the root cause of most relationship problems. You and your Fiance better start talking and talking soon or else your resentment is going to blow. No, you are not being selfish but it seems that when it comes to financial matters, you are more conservative than he is.

Post # 5
10 posts
  • Wedding: June 2011

That is absolutely not fair.  Althrough it is your debt when you guys spoke about you moving out of the country and quitting your job so that you could be with him, in my opinion he should man up a little bit and help you pay your debt off instead of blowing all the joint income on him.  I am sure he is a great guy or you would not have left everything behind to be with him but I believe you need to sit down and talk to your FH about the debt and how important it is to stay on budget so that you can pay off the debt and also eventually be able to save up money.

Post # 6
145 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

What if you had a joint account and each had your own account too. The monthly bills that you both create: house, cable, utilities, etc is paid from the joint account and split evenly. Your extra money left in your account can be used to spend as you wish and pay off your school loan. He can then go willy nilly with his money!

Post # 7
767 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all. To be honest, his behavior worries me. There’s got to be a way that he can stick to a budget that is more fair, equitable and sustainable long-term. 

Is it possible to have a separate bank account as well? Maybe you can have a different account that is just yours and you put part of your pay in that, and the other part in the communal account. Then rent, utilities, groceries and other common costs can come out of that account and you’ll still have money left over for your loans and personal expenses. 

Or maybe you can have your Fiance only use cash and have his weekly budget that way so he can clearly see how much he is spending and when it’s gone, it’s gone.

Regardless of what you decide to do, you’re going to have to talk about it and agree on money issues. As BrooklynRocks said, money can lead to a lot of relationship problems- it’s better to deal with it sooner or later.  Good luck!

Post # 9
529 posts
Busy bee

While it was kind of him to loan you some money up front, you’ve done more than your share since then. Many banks allow you to receive text notices and stop any withdrawals over an amount you specify. Look into one of these are stop any transactions over whatever amount you’ve agreed upon. This is going to be a recurring issue in your marriage unless he changes his spendthrift ways.

Post # 10
1278 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I think you really need to get this sorted out with him ASAP –  money is such a huge issue in relationships.

The first thing I think you need to do is create accounts for yourself as well. We have our budget set up as we get paid into our individual accounts, then we transfer a set amount into a joint account each month for bills, food, entertainment, mortgage and even joint savings.

In our individual accounts we have our own savings and spending money. This works well because I am more of a spender than my partner, and he does better at saving. I didn’t want to impact him with how much he can save and I dont want to take advantage of him, so this system works well for us.

It isnt fair that he is spending all your joint money and that he is also throwing the money he repaid to your dad in your face. Money should never have strings!

Good luck (And welcome to Australia!)

Post # 11
513 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

He is really a spender and you are not. The both of you have got to sit down and figure out what a good amount of spending money is, savings, etc. It may also help to seek outside help, maybe from a financial advisor. Maybe this will show him it is not just YOU who thinks he spends too much. And quite honestly, I don’t know how long you knew him before you went to live with him but it may have been a hasty decision. Yo udidn’t know him enough to realize you both have different spending habits. I am sure there are plenty of couples that are on opposite sides of the spending graph but I bet it wasn’t a big surprise. After all is said and done you going to have to start saving your money! Because essentially YOU bought yourself a 500 hundred dollar birthday gift! You just didn’t get to pick it out. Sorry to be the one to say, if he doesn’t change his ways or see the problem with spending all the “joint” money, then this relationship isn’t going to be a very smooth one.

Post # 12
53 posts
Worker bee

I’d get a new account and get your pay going into that so he can’t touch it.


he’s still working right? so he can pay for all his shit


maybe you could pay back what you owe him $50 a week?

and split things when you go out?

Post # 13
303 posts
Helper bee

I think the joint account works best so that, like others above have suggested, it gets used to pay for groceries, bills etc and all spendies come from your “own” money.

My SO earns more money than I do, and I like to buy coffee/lunch at work, and more clothes than he buys, so I would feel bad if I were spending money out of our joint account for that stuff. But, because we only use the joint account for groceries and breakfast/dinner when we’re together, it works out much better.

It’s not fair the way things are going at the moment. Sounds like a deep and meaningful is in order.

PS. Woot. Australia!


Post # 14
14181 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Yeah if everything is 100% joint, it’s not fair for him to spend money, knowing that you are working to pay off your debt. It basically becomes a wash. I definitely think you should sit down and talk to him about it–whether you go to cash-only allowances, or whether you do his/mine/ours money, or whatever. Blowing money never makes anybody feel good when everything is 100% joint. Maybe he is feeling like you “owe” him money since he paid off his debts so now he’s just spending frivolously? Or maybe he just feels he “deserves” it? Either way, find out why he can’t stick to a budget and try out fixes to remedy it. Personally, we put a certain percentage into our joint accounts. Our mortgage, bills, things for the house, medicines, etc come out of there. I use “my” account to get my nails done, go shopping, and I’m saving for a car. DH uses his to buy, uh, well, video games and he recently bought a new TV. It really takes the sting out of “frivolous” expenses because it’s all relative. Decide BEFORE how much is ok to spend on gifts.

Post # 15
420 posts
Helper bee

I don’t have any advice for you, but I thought it may make you feel better to know that there is someone else out there in the EXACT same situation as you. I moved to another country for my Fiance also. We had to use most of my savings for me to move and to pay off some things. Now it seems every dime we earn, I sock away and he blows away. I too, hold off on freakin hair cuts!!! Yet for some reason, there is always Just enough for his things! I just want to go home to Canada for a few weeks to really think about this. Speaking of that–it will be $900 on top of the credit we have with the airline, and he is hesitant about US spending that amount on something for me!!!!! Everyone tells me that all men are selfish, that this is normal, and for me, the line is blurred cause I have been with him for nearly 9 years-since I was 18….

 As someone on here said, money is a very serious issue in relationships- if we can’t sort it now, what kind of financial future do we/I have?

 If I could give and take my own advice, I would say put your foot down-but that usually involves an arguement(for me) that is completely unrelated to the actual issue!!!

Best of luck.. Hugs.

Post # 16
937 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

You need to talk to Fiance about this IMMEDIATELY. Finances are one of the biggest thing that married couples fight about and usually one of the biggest causes of divorce. I actually don’t understand why it’s necessary for you to have a joint account. You’re not married, and you clearly don’t agree on how your finances should be saved, spent, and dealt with. If I were you I would talk to Fiance, and get my own separate bank account ASAP.

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