(Closed) Is this fair to my daughter?

posted 4 years ago in Parenting
Post # 2
47432 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

View original reply
@aushi  It’s not unfair to your daughter for you, at some point, to have another child. Many, many children have half-siblings.

But, I would encourage you to only have another child, if you want another child, not because you want a better, more supported pregnancy and partnership in parenting. A do-over won’t change your past experience and memories.

Post # 3
2240 posts
Buzzing bee

The only way having another child would impact her negatively would be if you made it a negative thing. 

You were impregnated by and married to a jerk for a while, and he treated your daughter and you horribly. What does that have to do with your daughter or another baby? 

I think you’re connecting things that have nothing to do with each other. Specifically, how you feel about what happened during and after your pregnancy, what you wanted to happen, and what your daughter has to do with all of this. 

I think you should sort out your thoughts about what happened before you have any more children. 

ETA: frankly, it sounds like you’re putting yourself in the same situation as before by having a child with a man who sees it as a financial thing and not much more. He’s not emotional, yet you’re looking for a pregnancy experience that is emotional. That doesn’t add up

I don’t doubt that he would love the child and care for it, but is he really going to be able to give you what you’re looking for? 

You might be setting yourself up for another disappointment, and it has nothing to do with your daughter. 

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 2 months ago by  Jen9595.
  • This reply was modified 4 years, 2 months ago by  Jen9595.
Post # 4
2260 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

I don’t have the experience you’re looking for, and while I think its so great that you are so concerned for your daughter that you’d give up having another child for her, I think you should have another one only for you and your new husband to be. 

Your daughter will hopefully take away what a strong and resourceful person you are, and that you’ve taken the necessary step to not only make your own life better, but hers too. You make up for the crappy father her dad has been. And it could be healthy for her to have an example of what a good happy relationship looks like. Yes she could be jealous of this happier pregnancy, and childhood this new kid could potentially have, but theres so many more dynamics that could play out as well. 

Post # 5
134 posts
Blushing bee

My mom had me at 17, my sister at 19.  She was married to my bio dad (we call him a sperm donor, he is in no way my dad) for about 4 years. He was an abuser and a cheater. Once she finally left him. He wasn’t involved in mine or my sisters life.

she met my step dad (i call him dad!) when I was five. Eventually married him (he adopted my sister and I) and they had 2 more kids! 

I love love my sisters! I have never considered them “half” siblings. We were all grown in my mom. half sibling has never been used in our lives. They’re is a 10 and 12 year age gap, but we are still super close!

It’s not unfair to your daughter for you to have more kids. Chances are she will love having siblings in her life!

Post # 6
4242 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I don’t really get why you think this would be unfair to your daughter.  I think by now she recognizes that you didn’t exactly have the easiest time raising her.  I’m sure she recognizes that her bio dad hasn’t been the most supportive father.  I know plenty of people in their 20’s who don’t even consider their biological father “Dad”…they consider their stepparent as the person in that role.  Your daughter is getting to the point where she recognizes what quality relationships look like.  Having someone to demonstrate that for her (your fiance) is going to be positive for her.

Whether or not you decide to have another child shouldn’t necessarily rely on your daughter.  If you want to have another child that should be your decision.  Like others have said, be sure you make that choice because you actually want another kid…not because you want the “experience” with someone else.

I will also say…by my calculations you were with your ex husband not even 3 years ago and now you are engaged to someone else at age 23…it may be a good idea to slow your roll a bit.  I get that you are in a healthy and happy relationship, but I think you would also benefit from not jumping right into another marriage.  Like…stay engaged for another year or two before you tie the knot.  Oh, and sue the bloody hell out of your ex for child support.  Especially if he’s still in the military it shouldn’t be too hard for you to get hold of child support money.

Post # 7
910 posts
Busy bee

I don’t get it. Does your Fiance show her love and treat her like she’s wanted? The only issue I can see is if he makes her feel like an outsider. I also don’t understand him not being emotional aboit children. You have children because you want them and love them, not solely because it financially makes sense. 

Have you behaved with your daughter like she wasn’t wanted? Because she won’t remember that her birth wasn’t celebrated, she’ll only know what she’s told.

As long as you are a unit and everyone in your family, daughter and new baby, are treated like much loved, wanted children then I don’t see the problem.

Post # 9
2762 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Actually, if you go through with it, your daughter will experience first hand a model of behavior of how things CAN be. That way when she grows up she’ll have a different bar to compare against than the one she currently has. 

Post # 10
9125 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

View original reply
@aushi  I think this is more about your guilt than your daughter. You still feel guilty for not giving her the upbringing movies and books told you she should have. Guilt over not being the “perfect” family or mother.

You need to realise that there is no such thing as the perfect family or mother or father. Times were tough but your daughter was loved and supported and not neglected right? Well then that is good parenting- it doesn’t matter if it was one, two or three parents providing that.

And don’t feel guilty for wanting your next hypothetical child to have a loving and supportive father and for you to have that supportive person with you during your pregnancy. It is always easier, no matter whether it is a child or something else in life, to have a supportive partner. 

Post # 11
192 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

You fed your daughter while you went hungry. All that girl has known is love. Involve her with a future baby. Don’t make anything about biology. Your family is your family. Once you use the phrase “real dad” you are setting yourself up for hell. Your daughter is six, basically she is just entering the first phase of her life where she will remember and create her own memories and opinions. Stuff from before is just stories and what she is told. Kids need a bunch of crap, but mostly support and love. 

Post # 13
153 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

As your daughter will be a teenager or close to it when you plan to start TTC, I think you should involve her in the decision at that time – talk to her and make sure she’s on board before you go ahead.

Post # 14
438 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
@julies1949  +1 if your current partner treats your child as his child it shouldn’t be an issue but you should only have another child if you want another child, not for a “do over.” That wouldnt be fair. 

This isn’t the same situation at all but I have a half sister that I have never met. I have 2 sisters from the same mom and dad but one half sister that i have never met. She exists because my dad cheated on my mom. If he was giving her special treatment i would resent that so much more than we all 3 already resent our bio dad. If all children are treated as your collective children it doesnt matter. Love is what matters.

Post # 15
1064 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: South Lodge. 2nd of Dec 2017

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@aushi  my daughter is now 14 and she would love me to have a baby, unfortunately that’s no longer possible after a cancer scare 4 years ago, there is nothing left down there.  If I was fortunate enough I would talk to her about one day we might be lucky enough to have a brother or sister, how do you feel about that.  

With regards to your fiance, my daughter has grandparents, by love not by blood.  She has little nicknames for them, that she uses.  In fact we all call pops, pops now.

They adore her and ahe adores them, try not to over think it, children want to live there lives, safe in the knowledge they are loved and safe.  That’s basically it really. 

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