- 4 years ago
- Wedding: November 2018 - City Hall
Long story as short as possible. Sorry if not in the right thread.
I got pregnant at 16, obviously, it wasn’t great news. The father (21 at the time) was very attentive to me and the tummy, always touching it, singing to it, etc, until he found out “he” was a girl. The very day he found out she was a girl, he didn’t speak to me at all. After that, he never spoke to her or anything about her, ever. Fast forward, I married him (17 and him 22) and it was a horrible marriage. He never helped with her, even with him in the house I was basically a single mother, I’d ask him to feed her while I showered and I would have to cut my shower short because she would cry from hunger, he wouldn’t even move to help, that sort of thing. He cheated while deployed and while stationed stateside, he emotionally abused me, etc. We separate (me 20 him 25) then divorce while he was deployed in Korea (me 21 him 26). I have a very hard time as a mom. He owes thousands in child support and literally is not a part of her life at all. He left me stranded in a country where my daughter didn’t speak the language and I was forced to put her in an expensive bilingual school, even had to take out loans just to pay for her expenses. I went to college thanks to my parents help. Things got much better.
It got better, I got better. I met a wonderful man, my Fiance. He’s a great step dad to my now 7-year-old.
After having SUCH a hard time with my daughter I decided I didn’t want any more children. But right now, with life being so amazing, I have a feeling I’ll want to have a child in the future. For completely selfish reasons. I want to be pregnant and be happy about it. I want to tell my parents and them congratulate me. I want the father of the child to hug and kiss me and be happy about it, girl or boy. I want to ENJOY the toddler years instead of being miserable because I’m doing it all by myself and there were times I’d have to give her food and me starve. This time around it would be planned, wanted, and happy.
BUT I don’t feel it’s fair to my daughter to just have another kid because I didn’t get to enjoy being a mother until she was basically 6 years old. I don’t think it’s fair to have a child in front of her who does have a bio father when her own doesn’t want anything to do with her and completely regrets her existence, who calls her “animal” as a damn nickname when he does show up around.
I don’t plan to TTC anytime soon, I just graduated college and my Fiance is going to be unemployed because we’re relocating and he’s coming with me and leaving his job. But my Fiance has been clear about it. He isn’t an emotional person, so in his head, having a child is completely about finances. If finances are good, if we have enough savings, if we can afford care while we work, etc, then he’s all for it. If we can’t afford it, not even the slightest, he’s wearing a hat forever. I’m much more emotional about it, as you might have read. Some friends have suggested we just adopt, that way my daughter won’t feel bad, but I WANT pregnancy, I WANT to plan and TTC for a child.
But what do you guys think? Would it be unfair to my daughter for my Fiance and I to TTC in the long, long, looong future? Probably 5-7 years from now. She’ll be a teenager. Or should I just cut my losses and not do this to her because it would impact her too much? Any half siblings out there that could weigh in on the subject?