(Closed) Is this harsh?

posted 7 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
1798 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@Bellagiobride: Honestly, it sounds kind of rude to demand $50 from everyone attending your wedding. As a guest, I would be offended and decline. 

I think a letter stressing the importance of RSVP is okay, but charging money is over the line

Post # 4
383 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I wouldn’t do it.

These are your loved ones, not strangers

Asking for an RSVP by some time in March is a better idea. People are expetected to RSVP accurately, and you’ll have time to follow up if you need to.

If you can’t trust them to actually show up or say they can’t, then don’t invite them

but I would be HORRIBLY offended if someone sent me a wedding invitation that came with a non-refundable deposit.


Post # 5
6824 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I agree with msfahrenhe it sounds rude to ask for money for people attending your wedding even with a note saying it will be given back.

Post # 6
9029 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I dont think its acceptable to require a down payment of $50 for a wedding. It just seems rude and inappropriate to me.  I agree with msfarenheit the most you can do is stress the importance of receiving accurate RSVPs on time but thats about it.

Post # 7
11167 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

No shows cost money regardless of it being a local or destination wedding. While it is rude to RSVP yes and now show up sometimes things do happen that are beyond a person’s control. Unfortunately that is just part of the party planning/wedding picture.

That being said I vote no, I wouldn’t feel comfortable sending out a request for a down payment. If someone sent that to me I wouldn’t be offended but put off a bit. I don’t see any reason why stressing the importance of coming if you say you are wouldn’t be enough.

Post # 9
4755 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Not diggin’ it.

Post # 10
3773 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

I wouldn’t ask for the money. I would call people and touch base with them expressing how important it is for the Destination Wedding to have accurate counts and maybe put a note on your website.

Another option would be to send your invitations very early and then closer to the date send some kind of travel pack to quests with all the time specific information?

Post # 11
4520 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Hm… I think it’s a bit too much to ask people to send you $50. I just don’t see people doing that, or reacting well to that. I know I wouldn’t.

What do you mean when you say it will cost you a fortune if people don’t show up–do you mean the dinner cost? Or are you paying for people’s lodging too? Why is the issue of no-shows affecting you more because it’s a destination wedding? 

I would think that for a Destination Wedding, you’d have a very low no-show rate, since people will have to get plane tickets and such.

Post # 12
624 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

If I was your guest and choose to go (which I probably would not) I would tell you to keep the $50 as your gift. In other words give less than I otherwise would have.

I’m not sure how to say it tackfully, but maybe you can ask that your guest confirm that they have flights and hotel reservations?

Post # 13
2463 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I agree with the other posters, you can’t ask guests for money like this! have the rsvp date early enough that you have enough time to follow up with the ones dragging their feet

Post # 14
2714 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

All I can say is that if I received an invitation with a request to send the couple $50 deposit… I wouldn’t go to that wedding no matter who it was.

Sorry if that’s harsh, but it’s the truth. :-

Post # 15
6349 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2014

I think that’s rude, and if I received something like that I’d be pretty peeved. I mean, presumably you know these people right? So presumably they’d be upfront with you? I can’t imagine that anyone we’re inviting would say yes just for the sake of it, then decide nearer the time not to bother coming; if you genuinely believe some of your guests might do this, I would question why you’re inviting them.

That said I do understand your worries. But I would handle it very differently. I would personally phone people who have RSVP’d yes to double-check. Keep it light and breezy, something like ‘We’re so glad you can make it, just double-checking that you still can, as it’s costing us a lot of money so we’re really worried about people saying yes then not showing up; I hope you understand’. That way people know it is expensive, and know you are on a budget, and will hopefully take the hint if they are in two minds about coming, and give you a definite answer. Similarly, if they subsequently find they can’t make it, hopefully they’ll give you enough notice so you might be able to cancel their place/invite someone else.

Post # 16
487 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I second that.  Plus the letter sounds a little patronizing, like you don’t trust your guest’s word when they RSVP yes.  It also sounds like a business transaction and you want your guests to sign some form of non-refundable contract to reserve the opportunity to have a presence at your wedding.  What if someone falls ill?  Can’t you just talk to everyone one-on-one and use your judgement on whether or not you feel they are serious about booking their flights, etc.? 

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