(Closed) Is this in really poor taste?

posted 10 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
52 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

Well I think showers also act as a form of celebration – not necessarily a gift-grubbing scheme! I say you go to both, let whomever wants to plan, plan and have fun! No need to stress out more than you have to. If you’re concerned about it looking like you’re just asking for gifts, then don’t register anywhere for the showers. That way, if people want to bring a gift, they can (usually $$$ when there’s no registry).

 My family is putting on my shower, but that’s because my Maid/Matron of Honor is my sister and I don’t have any BM’s.

 If you’re family is excited to plan the shower, then go with it! You don’t want to cause more drama by denying them what they wanted to do in the first place, ha.

Post # 4
1428 posts
Bumble bee

I wouldn’t feel bad because really it’s both sides of your family, one with FI’s family & the other with your family. If they are all comfortable with throwing showers for you, which it seems like they are ๐Ÿ™‚ then I think that is great. As far as your BM’s not "stepping up" as much as you would imagine they would, I know for me, when I’ve been part of a larger bridal party (we had oh gosh about 10 in the last wedding I was in) it could be a case of everyone is waiting for either guidance from you, or for someone to step up & take charge, can you speak to your Maid/Matron of Honor & say hey let’s get everyone together to do (fun activity that you enjoy) so everyone feels comfortable & get them more psyched up about the wedding & what all you might like them to do as far as planning and participating.

As a PS…it’s traditional in my family/friends, that the BM’s do not host a shower, it’s usually bride’s mom or Future Mother-In-Law or other friends so I wouldn’t feel bad if BM’s are not planning the shower.

Post # 5
197 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

I agree…in my circle of friends, bridesmaids don’t throw a traditional shower. The bridesmaids throw the bachelorette party and lingerie shower. So don’t feel bad. I’m sure that they are planning on that.

 Also, I think you should def go to both parties – you might offend both your mom and Future Mother-In-Law if you don’t go.

Post # 6
2640 posts
Sugar bee

No, just go with the flow.  Sometimes brides don’t always get to choose everything about their showers, including the hostesses, since they are planned by someone else.  I’m usually saying how proper etiquette is for non family members to host, as that is what the Emily Post types say.  (By the way my mother planned mine.)  I felt a little awkward that some ladies, who were not too close to me, were at my shower.  I wondered if they felt like they were just invited for the gifts.  They just kind of hung out together and kept to themselves.

I also think mothers or close family often plan showers now because so many BMs are OTT.

The only thing you might want to look into, is keeping the guest list from going crazy.  The etiquette guru’s will say a shower should have 40 ppl max.  IMO if you keep it around that number, you’re in good shape.

Post # 7
1276 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I personally don’t think family members hosting showers is a big deal.  Nowadays most brides have lived separately from their families for several years, and the tight link between her family’s circumstances and her own just isn’t there.  So it’s not exactly like your Future Mother-In-Law is going to benefit from the gifts you get at your shower or anything.  In my case a good friend of my Mom’s is throwing me a shower…that’s been the norm for all of our family friends.  It’ll mostly just be my Mom’s friends, my sister, my one Bridesmaid or Best Man in my hometown, and any of my female relatives who are in town by then (they’re coming from India).  One of my BM’s asked me about whether I wanted them to throw me one which would probably be more my friends, and I just said they should do whatever they felt like doing but I really didn’t expect them to (especially b/c we’re all over the country and I don’t want my wedding to be a huge financial burden on them).  I know that my Maid/Matron of Honor is already thinking about bachelorette ideas, but I don’t think they’re planning on a shower.

Post # 8
563 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I don’t think there is any problem in having two showers in different towns with different guest lists.  Have a great time!

Post # 9
122 posts
Blushing bee

I wouldn’t worry about it at all. My situation is very similar. My future Mother-In-Law is out of state, as are her fam and friends, and she is throwing me a shower there.  I know all the rules and etiquette, but it doesn’t seem to bother her and I think it would be more rude of me to refuse the shower than to just go and be gracious and have a good time.  My Maid/Matron of Honor is helping my mom plan my regular shower where I live.  The invite will come from her but my mom is paying for the event.  Showers can be very expensive depending on your plans and I would never expect my Maid/Matron of Honor or BMs to pay for a shower for me.  I think most of those rules are pretty relaxed.  If you are still concerned about it consider having the RSVP go to someone other than family, you can assign that duty to a Bridesmaid or Best Man, and then people assume they are hosting.

Post # 10
154 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

wow you sound exactly like me!  i have 8 bridesmaids and they are spread out all over the east coast and are all super busy.  which is great, but i definitely dont think there is a shower in sight for me.  and i certainly dont need any extra presents or anything, but at the same time, it does feel kinda sad to feel like i’m missing out on this great girly get-together ritual.  but obviously it isnt something you can ask for!  so no biggie really, but i do sympathize with you.  my bridesmaid’s havent actually "done" anything for me, other than agree to be in the wedding, which in the end really is the important thing (of course!!), but i must admit i am jealous when i read about fabulous showers that girls have thrown for their friends, or even just going to try on gowns, or look for bridesmaids’ dresses….it feels weird for me to be so alone in doing all this stuff–especially with 8 bridesmaids!!  maybe it is actually because i have so many that they all just feel like one of many, and that they arent needed or something…i’m not sure.  but oh well, such is life ๐Ÿ™‚   i hope this doesnt sound too much like complaining because i really am just happy to have them all as bridesmaids, but i do understand what youre talking about !

Post # 11
2 posts

 People who love you want to throw you a party to celebrate your wedding. The only possible poor taste is refusing to go without a really good reason, so don’t worry about that. Usually the poor taste question comes up when the same people are invited to repeated showers for the same person, not when you have 2 groups half way across the country from each other each doing a local shower-They have clearly decided its far more convient for them than to fly halfway across the country to have one shower.

If your worried about your family and future family having to do all the work, you could talk to the Maid/Matron of Honor, and your BM/FSIL about asking for help from other BMs near them. I had 8 BM’s and I think that when there are that many it does require some direction, especially if they are all spread out, because they have no way to know what needs doing unless you or the Maid/Matron of Honor asks.

Post # 12
484 posts
Helper bee

Just wanted to echo everyone else’s sentiments and tell you that I have never been to a shower that wasn’t hosted (in part) by someone related to the bride (blood or in-law). I live in the NYC area and I think that’s pretty much the norm here (at least in my circle)

My mom is an etiquette stickler and she will be hosting mine along with my sister (my MOH). I do think it is ok to ask the bridesmaids to help though (have your mom and Maid/Matron of Honor do that). I’m currently in a bridal party for a friend and we took care of the flowers, invitations, games, game prizes and favors while the brides’s mom paid for the venue/food. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that scenerio.

ENJOY Your parties!

Post # 13
7081 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2009

I threw my sister’s shower as the Maid/Matron of Honor (at our parents home), but my sister is not throwing a shower for me.  She’s busy and has 3 kids.  But my Future Mother-In-Law really wanted to throw a shower to invite her friends to in California… so I’m getting a shower after all ๐Ÿ™‚

I feel like all my bridesmaids are so busy these days, that I really don’t expect anything except to celebrate the wedding with them.  It’s an added bonus that my Future Mother-In-Law is doing this for me, and it sounds like my sister will do what she can to help out.

Post # 15
163 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

I personally think that your maid of honor should take the incentive and start to dictate what everyone should be doing. I have my sister as my Maid/Matron of Honor and asked her to call all the BM’s and let them know what is going on and tell them what their rolls in the shower would be. We also had a gathering before hand to get a better idea of what kind of shower, where, when and so on they were going to do. I know its hard to when the people you pick to be in your wedding act like they don’t care but, they probably need a little push. Sometimes people do not realize what their job of being in a wedding consists of. My mom and my FH’s family is also helping along with the wedding party are throwing mine. Hope this helps!

Post # 16
5822 posts
Bee Keeper

If you don’t tell your BMs what you expect of them, they have no idea what to do.  Unless they are already married, they aren’t aware of the intricacies of bridal etiquette!  Let them know what they should be doing!  How else would they know?

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