(Closed) Is this inappropriate, or am I reading too much into it?

posted 4 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 16
Member
29 posts
Newbee

I agree with you, she is out of place asking for that information…I mean if I were another guest she was asking about what I gave, she can ask ME not the bride and groom, and if I so wanted for her to know then she would then know…otherwise, she can suck it up and mind her own business…

sorry you’re suddendly experincing all of this drama!

Post # 17
Member
3327 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I’d not give that to her lol. Maybe your computer crashes and you happen to lose the list? What a shame that would be.

Post # 18
Member
5152 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

View original reply
lula0508 :  Totally inappropriate. I would not give her any kind of list. 

Post # 19
Member
356 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Super inappropriate… it’s very rude to ask what other people gave! But in my opinion, I think you are doing the right thing by saying no and that if you husband wants to he can. I hope for you, he can figure out how to give her boundaries. 

Post # 20
Member
828 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

I had a friend who is from a culture where the entire family is around when you open envelopes and you all high five when it’s a big check and talk shit about the people who are cheap, so it’s no unheard of. But that doesn’t mean she’s entitled to this information. She’s asking because she wants the presumption of innocence and ignorance. Her son should tell her it’s private to you both, but she’s free to go around to each individual guest and ask herself. 

Post # 21
Member
2178 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

personally it is totally normal to me to have/make a list like this …. as mentioned when my parents go to cousin X wedding they will often times ask what their parents gave me so that if it is much over the standard gift ($300 or so) they would put in a little more.

I also look at my own list when I go to other people weddings and if the couple gave me a very large gift I would return that to them as well (for instance one of our friends that were married last year gave us $500 so I felt that it was right to return that)

finally I will be honest if someone didn’t gift me anything I am not going to go out of my way to give them some huge gift either – you can say I am rude or tacky and honestly I don’t care…. if you gave me nothing at all then I am not giving you $500 unless there was a really good reason for it and instead I will gift you a smaller amount than usual or give you something else

Post # 22
Member
10 posts
Newbee

I don think it is appropriate for her to ask for the list and I don’t think it is her business. However,  I would tread lightly as she already upset you and you don’t want to be emotional in response. Explain to your husband that you feel uncomfortable becaue this is a private matter, as the gifts were for you two. 

Post # 23
Member
78 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

My mom asked me to keep track, I have no problem with it.  I think it is to reciprocate when her friends’ kids got married.  Like others have said, she wouldn’t give less because of what someone gave us but would give more if they did.  I tell my Future Mother-In-Law when we get engagement gifts from her side too, never thought twice about it.  People like to know what their friends / family give, and our response is always that everyone is amazing and generous, it is not meant in a judgmental way at all.  Personally, i would be embarassed if i gave someone less than they gave me so will definitely be using it as a reference for myself as well.  

Post # 24
Member
2625 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

My mom asked me how much one of her friends gave us because they are going to their daughters wedding in a couple months and wanted to make sure they were in the same ballpark.  She said I didn’t have to tell her, but I had no problem doing so…  I wrote down how much some of our friends gave us so that I can make sure to give something close at their upcoming weddings.  I do think it was wierd that your Mother-In-Law wants the whole list though….  I think my situation is a little different since my mom only asked about one who’s wedding is in the near future.

Post # 25
Member
941 posts
Busy bee

you’re not overreacting, but just to say that this might not really be a cultural thing…some westerners do like to keep a list of people who gave gifts and what amount, so that they don’t under-gift (i just coined that word up lol) others in the future. 

Post # 26
Member
2849 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

Honestly, I wouldn’t even allow DH to give her the list either.

ETA: Keeping a list is one thing, but sharing it with other people not your husband is another.

Post # 27
Member
7528 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

This is really old school though. My mom has a little notebook that goes back decades where she keeps track of gifts given and received. Some people grew up thinking it’s wrong to not give a gift that’s equal to what you were given. I wouldn’t read too much into it. I would, however, make hubby do it, cause it’s his mom after all, and I’d limit the list to only her invitees.

Post # 28
Member
8998 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

View original reply
lula0508 :  my Mother-In-Law asked too, and I know my best friend said her mom wanted a similar list. We both refused. It’s none of their damn business. My husband did tell her how much one cousin gave us (and it was by far the largest monetary gift) and I got very upset with him. This family member basically has a Scrooge McDuck vault in his house so it isn’t surprising he gave us so much (although we certainly weren’t expecting it) and he would never expect the rest of the family to reciprocate that amount to his kids when they get married. 

Post # 29
Member
1469 posts
Bumble bee

I think the most important people in this equation are you and your hubby. If even 50% of the equation feels uncomfortable giving the information it should not be given. Too bad for Mother-In-Law. 

Why was she being so crazy at the wedding? She sounds like a nightmare. 

 

Post # 30
Member
4227 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2015 - Hotel Ballroom

I wouldn’t give her that list personally. It’s just too weird of a request!

I’m more hung up on her freaking out at you right before the wedding…ESPECIALLY before you were dressed! To me, a person is at their most vulnerable when they aren’t fully dressed…ESPECIALLY a bride before she has her dress on!

I’m not the greatest at family drama (as I am estranged from my family, and most of DH’s family are AMAZING so I never have to worry about them)…but I can honestly say that it wouldn’t matter WHO you are…if someone did that to me on my wedding day…or in general…I’d need a break from them for sure!

I’m so sorry that happened to you  *hug*

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