(Closed) Is this inappropriate, or am I reading too much into it?

posted 4 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 31
Member
106 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

I know this is petty, but i would almost give her a list, but modify it a little– instead of $200- just put $– let her guess how much.  If someone gave you a kitchen aid mixer, just list mixer.  The details are certainly none of her business.  I know this isn’t the right thing to do, but if she upset me so much minutes before my wedding, I might stoop.

 

Good Luck!

Post # 32
Member
13395 posts
Honey Beekeeper

Outside of immediate family members I’d find this incredibly rude.

However, I feel differently about, and etiquette would never interfere in private conversations between intimate family. At a certain stage, gift amounts are based on closeness of relationship rather than budget and can feel subjective and arbitrary. So I can easily understand why she wants some point of reference. 

In my own circles MIL’s request is not unusual. We willingly shared the info with both sets of parents, who incidentally hosted our wedding. They had many weddings of friends and relative’s children to attend after ours. I don’t consider that inappropriate. 

A separate issue is what Mother-In-Law did before the wedding. That is horrible. I can see why you wouldn’t want to do her any favors right now. 

Post # 33
Member
671 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

Idk I don’t think it’s that insane of request for either MOG or MOB. It would be crazy if it was an extended or non family member looking to gossip, but I think this is probably to make sure she gifts back at other peoples weddings in a similar amount or goes out of her way to thank people who were overly generous. 

My Mother-In-Law didn’t ask for a list but she did ask about specific people– in most cases she asked because that specific person had bragged to her or others about how generous they were being with us and she was curious/ wanted to privately chuckle at the aunts who were bragging about their 50$ checks. She also asked about DH’s uncle because his daughter is getting married very soon as I think she wanted to match within reason. 

I also kept a super detailed list because honestly even though I know gifts aren’t tit for tat, I think it will make things easy when they get married. Were the first of most of our friends to be married and I’m anticipating a lot of weddings in the next 3 years and it’s just easier to check a list and write the same amount of more if we can afford it. Otherwise, what? We try and put a $ amount on our friendship? That starts to feel complicated. 

Post # 34
Member
117 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

My mom asked for a list – for reciprocating purposes. I was uncomfortable with it, and told her no and that people were generous enough to come and that is all I needed. She (for the most part) let it be.  However, should a specific wedding come up and she’s at a loss, I’ll give her a ballpark figure. I was a bit offended by the fact that she even asked, even though I know it wasn’t to be rude. 

My DH and I took about a month break from family members and any wedding things after the wedding (aside from thank yous).  It was an overwhelming time and both of our moms were a bit overbearing.  There’s nothing wrong with space.  DH is even planning on visiting his mom in the near future with the understanding that I will not be joining him.  Hopefully yours does too! 

Hugs, Bee!

Post # 35
Member
13905 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

This is pretty common in older generations.  DH’s parents asked us several times for a list and I told them once my thank you cards were written, we got rid of the list, and they were quite upset because they wanted to know what to give their friend’s kids. 

I think this custom is dying out now, but it’s definitely not unheard of.  Just tell your Mother-In-Law that you aren’t going to give the list and move on.

Post # 36
Member
2762 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Yikes Bee your Mother-In-Law sounds like a peach!

Does your husband know how upset you were due to the altercation before the ceremony? How did he respond to that? I understand that she’s apologized and you’ve forgiven (but not forgotten) the incident but I’d be pretty surprised if your DH was just like ‘oh good she got over it so obviously she’ll be as nice, accommodating/smiley as before with my mom now!’

Cuz…no. All that matters is that you still need space and distance from her right now so she can just wait until you’re ready to talk to her OR hound her son for that info. Grrrrrr. 

Post # 38
Member
13395 posts
Honey Beekeeper

View original reply
lula0508 :  OMG. The woman is insane. It would be a long time before I’d forgive or forget that. 

Post # 39
Member
605 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

View original reply
lula0508 :  Please, please, please do not give her the list of gifts/amounts. Your Mother-In-Law absolutely SCREAMS drama, so I guarantee she will be offended or feel slighted over someone’s gift or gift amount. People like your Mother-In-Law thrive off of the drama and she will not keep quiet over the list. If she starts drama, it will ultimately make you look bad for giving her the information. 

For your own sanity, please keep it to yourself and your husband. Sorry you have to deal with her. 

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