(Closed) Is this just an innocent crush or something I should be concerned about?

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 47
Member
6738 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

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@lifesaride:  HE might not be ready for marriage, but SHE seems to be handling this really well.  I don’t see a trust issue at all – it’s flat out clear that he is flirting with another girl right in front of her.  It makes her uncomfortable and upset that her Fiance might like another girl and I don’t think Adriana Lima herself would be ok with this type of behavior.  She doesn’t have to be BLIND and naive.  People cheat – anyone is capable of it.  Why allow the situation to go any further than it has to?  And she’s not even untrusting, she sees actions herself that make her uncomfortable and yet has not jumped to the conclusion that he must be banging Kayce behind her back. 

I hate how quick everyone on the bee is to say someone isn’t ready for marriage!!!!

Post # 48
Member
221 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

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@futuremrsk18:  I don’t see a trust issue at all

We will have to just agree to disagree.

Call it bad behaviour on the FI’s part, or possibly jealousy or lack of trust on the OP’s part.

None of it should be going on with someone you are planning on spending the rest of your life with.

These issues going on tell me that there are problems that need to be dealt with before considering getting married.

Post # 49
Member
3120 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

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@EmilyInIdaho:  Just to echo what most bees said, this is definitely something that needs to be addressed.

A few thoughts:

-The hoodie thing is weird.  Wouldn’t it make more sense to lend her a sweatshirt of YOURS?

-That’s odd that he was partners with someone who isn’t YOU.

-They’re facebooking and texting?  I’m not the kind of girl who thinks you can’t have friends of the opposite sex, but this is just weird.  The only guy I text is DH’s best man and my best friend.  He introduced us.  I definitely don’t do facebook messages…

 

I don’t think limiting his contact is the mode of action here.  You need to talk about their relationship as a whole.  I would mention the things that happened that night in addition to his excitement over seeing her.  Be open and honest and say that you understand crushes can happen.  The problem is he needs to be FIGHTING these feelings rather than promoting them.

Keep us posted!

Post # 50
Member
6738 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

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@lifesaride:  It’s definitely bad behavior on his part and I think it’s an easy fix.  He probably doesn’t realize he’s doing it and as soon as she tells him that he’s doing it and it bothers her and is inappropriate, he will fix it.  No one’s perfect right off the bat.  Being ready for marriage doesn’t mean your relationship it’s perfect, it means you two are both willing to constantly work on your relationship and always make it better.  Now, if he cheated – that may be a different story.  Some inappropriate flirting isn’t a reason to call off the wedding.

Post # 51
Member
9820 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Private facebook messaging and texting added to his strange behavior when she’s around are all seriously suspicious to me.

Post # 52
Member
2867 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

It sounds like your Fiance really desperately craves female attention.

Post # 53
Member
444 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

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@EmilyInIdaho:  This is coming from someone who is not jealous at all; that behaviour is really inappropriate and you aren’t blowing it out of proportion. 

First of all, its one thing have a celebrity crush or someone you admire.  It is entirely different to have a crush on someone you are friends with, have constant contact with alone and on top of it alter your behaviour in front of said person.

For me it wouldn’t be about jealousy… it is about respect.  I know that if one of my guy friends who has a girlfriend gave me one of their hoodies I would not be comfortable, moreover I’d probably ask her if she wanted it like “hey are you sure you don’t want it, you look colder than I do”.  If my OH gave his jacket to one of our female friends, I’d be annoyed, especially when I would be there as well as other females I presume (and probably single males too?).  I know, I know, it is just a jacket, but it seems uncalled for and there has always been romantic conotations to that, and if it was that isolated inicident I would telling you to let it go, but it doesn’t seem to be.

At the end of the day he is making you look and feel like an idiot and he probably isn’t even realising but it is normal for you to feel the way you are feeling.  I would talk to him. I’m sure he is a great guy but this isn’t acceptable behaviour and he should know that, it isn’t ok to make you feel belittled because he is giving some other girl tons of attention whilst you, his fiance are just watching on the sidelines!

Post # 54
Member
2268 posts
Buzzing bee

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@FutureMrsSarah:  “It is entirely different to have a crush on someone you are friends with, have constant contact with alone and on top of it alter your behaviour in front of said person.

it isn’t ok to make you feel belittled because he is giving some other girl tons of attention whilst you, his fiance are just watching on the sidelines!

+1.

Post # 55
Member
3245 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@EmilyInIdaho:  I would say that YES he does have a crush on her. An obnoxiously bad one, from the sound of it, and the way he keeps seeking her company out, and treats you differently in front of her, is absolutely not OK. 

I think you need to let him know that you feel he seeks her out too much and you find the change in his behavior when she’s around completely inappropriate and upsetting, and to please stop. It is extremely disrespectful to you, not to mention hurtful and undermining of your trust. I think you could tell him that if he keeps acting this way, you will no longer be able to trust him (and anyone with their head on straight in a relationship will immedately recognize that that is a very bad thing!!). 

I don’t know if you could go so far as saying that you don’t want her invited to parties anymore; that depends somewhat on how bad the situation is and what your relationship with your Fiance. At any rate, it is DEFINITELY time for a serious talk and for you to put your foot down.

One thing– if Kacey is not acting in any way to overtly encourage the stupid behavior, then it really has nothing to do with her. I think you need to discuss the matter with your Fiance before involving her, if you do at all. If she starts pursuing him or something, then first he must tell her to leave him alone, and if she doesn’t leave him alone after that, then you’ll have to. But it doesn’t sound like anything like that will occur.

I’m sorry you have to deal with something like this! It’s gross!

Post # 56
Member
3245 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

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@Mischka:  +1 to what FutureMrsSarah said as well.

Post # 57
Member
3245 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

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@Sunfire:  Yes, I like this way of going about it. 🙂

Post # 58
Member
3245 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

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@EmilyInIdaho:  Heck no, facebooking and texting are too intimate. I think it is fine if you ask for limits on that. Goodness, this is the trust in your relationship you’re looking at either saving or undermining here!

Post # 59
Member
1719 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Any updates OP????

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