(Closed) Is this just cold feet?

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: Please pick one that suits your thoughts best.
    You have every right to be upset but its not the end. : (33 votes)
    66 %
    You have every right to be upset and you should end the relationship now. : (8 votes)
    16 %
    you have no right to be upset. deal with it. : (1 votes)
    2 %
    If this is the only problem, your doing good. : (0 votes)
    I would have been gone a long time ago. : (4 votes)
    8 %
    Get over it.... Stop being whiny : (3 votes)
    6 %
    Leave, get out, you deserve better. : (1 votes)
    2 %
  • Post # 4
    Member
    2398 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: April 2012

    Ouch, this is something I have never been through. I really hope that you guys move far far away from this man and that your SO can see the damage this man is causing. 

    Post # 5
    Member
    8042 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2013

    Is moving an option?

    Post # 6
    Member
    1475 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2014

    Sorry! Hugs!

    Your situation sounds awful.  It seems like its important to your Fiance to have a close relationship with his dad. That means you can expect interaction with his dad regularly and the same when you guys have kids. This is really just the begining, if you marry Fiance you two have your whole lives ahead of you.  Will you be okay having Fiance dad as a constant part of you and your kids future? Forever….?  You need to seriously think about this, talk to your Fiance about how you feel, he needs to understand how you feel and if you do decide to marry him you both need to be on the same page with how much interaction the dad will have in your lives and your kids lives. I hope you find a resolution that makes you happy. Tough spot to be in, good luck!

    Post # 8
    Member
    205 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: February 2013

    Moving because of one person seems strange to me when you are both grown ups and know that he is toxic. Sounds like your Fiance needs to get a backbone and set some VERY strong boundaries with his father. If I were you I would tell him very bluntly that I would not marry him until he did so. Good luck 🙂

    Post # 9
    Member
    11343 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: May 2009

    I think you have every right to be both upset and concerned.  This man has threatened your safety and has repeatedly been abusive to you both emotionally and physically. I agree with prior posters that, unless your Fiance is willing to place very clear, very strong boundaries on his relationship with his father as well as his father’s access to and treatment of you and any future children, it would be neither wise nor safe for you to proceed with your wedding plans.  I am so sorry you are going through this.

    I didn’t know how to vote in the poll based on what I wrote above.  I didn’t want to vote for the first option, because, although it might not have to be the end of your relationship, it certainly may come to that if your Fiance is not very decisive and very resolute in his handling of this situation.

    Post # 11
    Member
    129 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: March 2013

    I am sorry you are going through this. I think you have evry right to be worried and upset. I believe the decision should be based on you FIs attitude towards it and the distance/boundaries that he is willing to place with his father. He has to make you his priority now. Otherwise, having such a Father-In-Law can become a real big problem and could actually affect your marriage in the medium long term. I say you listen to what your heart has to say.

    Post # 12
    Member
    86 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: July 2014

    @Pappy8 sounds terriible but i hope your pulling through. i would personally say, its time to lay this all out on the table. you sound very upset and annoyed at his father which is fine but marrying your Fiance while he is not addressing this problem is not going to help you. the way i was brought up, when you start a new family, that is your first priority. so when you two get married, you come first, not his dad or whoever it is. if he wants his dad to be first then he’s not ready to marriage because like you said, you have yours and his future family to think about!

    Post # 13
    Member
    1226 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    Oh my goodness, how aweful! *HUG*.

    It is not ok for his dad to throw dishes at you, etc… In fact, if that were my Fiance, I hope he would have kicked out his dad by now……… Like, give him a certain amount of time to find a new place……. But that’s not the case so, if it were me, I’d definetly lay your cards down on table. Saying you might leave him if things don’t change isn’t easy, but it’s the truth, isn’t it?

    Honestly, for me, Fiance would have to tell his father that he has until the wedding to find a new place, that you two will be enjoying the newly-wed life JUST THE TWO OF YOU. He should also mention that the way he has been treating you IS NOT how you treat family and that he has only proven that he does not derverve to live under your roof. If he wants to continue a relationship with his father, fine, but he will NEVER live with us again….

    It might also be a lot easier for you to continue a civil relationship with his dad once he hasn’t been living with both of you for a while…. which is pretty important since he is your FIs dad….

    Hopefully this helped you make a decision………

    Post # 14
    Member
    1627 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 2012

    I think communication is crucial here.  I would sit down with Fiance and tell him exactly how you feel…that your relationship takes second to his and his dad’s.  List out the reasons why you are so hurt by this (how Fi’s dad treats you, the anxiety it brings, etc.) and also tell him what you would hope would change.  You HAVE to be completely sympathetic, non-confrontational and gentle when telling him this though, as his father is clearly important to him. 

    Either way, if you two are getting married, it is so important that he is on the same page that your relationship trumps all.  You have to be each others’ best friend, teammate, defender….everything before you are that with others.  That’s the marriage vow.  Maybe he doesn’t quite see how he’s putting his dad first and putting you in an awkward spot.  Maybe he needs to hear examples in order to understand where you’re coming from?

    I’m sorry you’re going through this.  His dad sounds awful.  Wishing you the best for the future…

    The topic ‘Is this just cold feet?’ is closed to new replies.

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