Post # 1
So this post could be long so i’m going to put things bluntly and to the point to shorten it. if you have any questions please ask.
Fi and I just had our 5 year anniversary and I love him SO much. The one thing I dont love is his dad…. in fact, i hate him and i’m pretty sure he hates me.
A little background….. Fi is half filipino and was raised by his traditional filipino dad here in canada. I am as white as white can be and was raised by my non-religious/non-traditional mom. Fi’s dad is a deadbeat; he is jobless and refuses to have one (this means hes been mooching off of us for the last 5 years)… He is a loose cannon (he cannot control his temper to the point that it turns out to be pure rage)…. He is abusive towards me (i had a stepfater in my life who was abusive to me so i really dont wanna take it from someone elses dad). Fis dad, yelled at me, called me names, tried to get Fiance to end it with me, threw dishes at me and threatened and partially attempted to ruin our apartment (which Fi and I own together).
About 2 years ago Fi essentially kicked his dad out because he was “pissed off at me” for asking him if he fed our cats…. he fed DI a whole bunch of lies about me and stuff that i did and in turn, we hadent spoken for almost 2 years. on aug 18, Fis cousin got married and i was in the wedding… Fis dad was there too…. fis dad wants me to apologize and i feel like i have no reason to apologize but since i love Fi, i did it anyways. i was not happy about it and i was angry and resentful and had hatred toward both of them. I then told Fiance that i wasnt happy, how i felt, and that i wasnt ready to be put in a situation where i would be one on one with his dad yet… and the next day, he put me in that situation….
I could go on and on and on about all the wrong doings his dad has done however i feel like Ive givin you a small taste of how ive been living already that i dont think i need to go on.
Down to the nitty gritty….
Fi and I are set to get married on januaray 8 and I am terrified to marry him because of the relationship with his dad… its fine tht they hang out and all but Fi has a tendancy to put me aside to “tend-to” his dad…. i’m seriously tired of being put on the back burner. i want to marry him, and i want to have babies with him and i love him SO SO SO much i cannot even express it enough but one can only take so much and i feel like i’m at my wits end. I love Fi and would never ask him to ditch his dad but i feel like if im going to be his wife and the mother of his children then i would like to feel confident that i can count on him to be there for me even if hes with his dad…
Essentially my question is is am i being unreasonable? is this a form of cold feet? any tips? do you think this is a big enough problem to actually end the relationship over?
Oh ya, and weve started going to counselling and we are actually considering moving 3 hours out of the city to get away from him… i dont want to move away from my family but i feel like i would have to to save mine and fis family.
Post # 3
Sorry if this is all gibberish. its a really sensitive subject for me
Post # 4
Ouch, this is something I have never been through. I really hope that you guys move far far away from this man and that your SO can see the damage this man is causing.
Post # 6
Your situation sounds awful. It seems like its important to your Fiance to have a close relationship with his dad. That means you can expect interaction with his dad regularly and the same when you guys have kids. This is really just the begining, if you marry Fiance you two have your whole lives ahead of you. Will you be okay having Fiance dad as a constant part of you and your kids future? Forever….? You need to seriously think about this, talk to your Fiance about how you feel, he needs to understand how you feel and if you do decide to marry him you both need to be on the same page with how much interaction the dad will have in your lives and your kids lives. I hope you find a resolution that makes you happy. Tough spot to be in, good luck!
Post # 7
@canarydiamond: moving is an option, we have a small amout of friends and family in this city. and we would both have jobs guarenteed to us
Post # 8
Moving because of one person seems strange to me when you are both grown ups and know that he is toxic. Sounds like your Fiance needs to get a backbone and set some VERY strong boundaries with his father. If I were you I would tell him very bluntly that I would not marry him until he did so. Good luck 🙂
Post # 9
I think you have every right to be both upset and concerned. This man has threatened your safety and has repeatedly been abusive to you both emotionally and physically. I agree with prior posters that, unless your Fiance is willing to place very clear, very strong boundaries on his relationship with his father as well as his father’s access to and treatment of you and any future children, it would be neither wise nor safe for you to proceed with your wedding plans. I am so sorry you are going through this.
I didn’t know how to vote in the poll based on what I wrote above. I didn’t want to vote for the first option, because, although it might not have to be the end of your relationship, it certainly may come to that if your Fiance is not very decisive and very resolute in his handling of this situation.
Post # 10
I also just wanted to add that Fi and i have a wonderful relationship otherwise. he takes care of me, and I never doubt anything like fidelity… he respects me and he has such a huge heart… my family loves the crap out of him too…. its just his father thats the problem.
Thank you ladies for your support so far.
Post # 11
I am sorry you are going through this. I think you have evry right to be worried and upset. I believe the decision should be based on you FIs attitude towards it and the distance/boundaries that he is willing to place with his father. He has to make you his priority now. Otherwise, having such a Father-In-Law can become a real big problem and could actually affect your marriage in the medium long term. I say you listen to what your heart has to say.
Post # 12
@Pappy8 sounds terriible but i hope your pulling through. i would personally say, its time to lay this all out on the table. you sound very upset and annoyed at his father which is fine but marrying your Fiance while he is not addressing this problem is not going to help you. the way i was brought up, when you start a new family, that is your first priority. so when you two get married, you come first, not his dad or whoever it is. if he wants his dad to be first then he’s not ready to marriage because like you said, you have yours and his future family to think about!
Post # 13
Oh my goodness, how aweful! *HUG*.
It is not ok for his dad to throw dishes at you, etc… In fact, if that were my Fiance, I hope he would have kicked out his dad by now……… Like, give him a certain amount of time to find a new place……. But that’s not the case so, if it were me, I’d definetly lay your cards down on table. Saying you might leave him if things don’t change isn’t easy, but it’s the truth, isn’t it?
Honestly, for me, Fiance would have to tell his father that he has until the wedding to find a new place, that you two will be enjoying the newly-wed life JUST THE TWO OF YOU. He should also mention that the way he has been treating you IS NOT how you treat family and that he has only proven that he does not derverve to live under your roof. If he wants to continue a relationship with his father, fine, but he will NEVER live with us again….
It might also be a lot easier for you to continue a civil relationship with his dad once he hasn’t been living with both of you for a while…. which is pretty important since he is your FIs dad….
Hopefully this helped you make a decision………
Post # 14
I think communication is crucial here. I would sit down with Fiance and tell him exactly how you feel…that your relationship takes second to his and his dad’s. List out the reasons why you are so hurt by this (how Fi’s dad treats you, the anxiety it brings, etc.) and also tell him what you would hope would change. You HAVE to be completely sympathetic, non-confrontational and gentle when telling him this though, as his father is clearly important to him.
Either way, if you two are getting married, it is so important that he is on the same page that your relationship trumps all. You have to be each others’ best friend, teammate, defender….everything before you are that with others. That’s the marriage vow. Maybe he doesn’t quite see how he’s putting his dad first and putting you in an awkward spot. Maybe he needs to hear examples in order to understand where you’re coming from?
I’m sorry you’re going through this. His dad sounds awful. Wishing you the best for the future…
Post # 15
Thank you ladies for all your support. i talked to Fiance again last night and i always tell him that i love him but he started crying when i was asking him questions about how he feels about his dad… he told me that he wished his dad wasnt even here and that his life would be a lot better… i then asked him if he was afraid of his dad passing (since he isnt doing well), Fi said no… but now i’m confused. i dont really know how to take this news. i know were stuck between a rock and a hard place (both of us) and he keeps assuring me that things will change but all i hear right now are words when i need to see actions.
I love him so much and I want this all to work… *fingers are crossed*