(Closed) Is this just cold feet?

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
305 posts
Helper bee

you’ve been together 5 years and in that 5 years he has only worked 2 years of it and plays video games all day while you work, and you’re just now, in the past few days, having doubts?  it was ok before?  what made it ok before?

Post # 4
Member
315 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I think part of it is definitely cold feet. How crazy it must feel that now after 5 years the day is almost here! But I also think it’s really important for you to take some time and really think about this. Will you continue to be the one paying all the bills? Is that something you can handle doing for the rest of your life? Things like finances can cause huge issues in relationships. Have you talked to him about this? And about how you’re feeling? I know it’d be awkward and maybe embarrassing to call of a wedding now but it’s a lot easier to do it now then after. Maybe even just post-poning it so you can work through the issues you have. 

Good luck! 

Post # 5
Member
1774 posts
Buzzing bee

I might suggest counseling, or at least talking to him.

 

I don’t blame you at all! I think it’s natural to envision a partnership!

 

Make the decision that’s best for you, because it will be best for everyone in the end. Dealing with thee issues 4 years from now wouldn’t help anyone out.

Post # 6
Member
305 posts
Helper bee

i really think counseling is great but so overused as an end all be all on this forum.  i think that the person that’s ok with a partner not working and playing video games all day while she contributes everything to the partnership is the person that could benefit from counseling to find out whey they think this kind of treatment is ok.  the other partner needs a job.

Post # 8
Member
305 posts
Helper bee

you haven’t had a conversation with him about this in five years? 

Post # 12
Member
305 posts
Helper bee

ok. thanks for the bit of clarification. your op made it sound like he works intermittently and then plays video games all day while you work and you have been thinking of talking to him about you doing everything and wasn’t sure if you should or not, and now your’e wondering if he is the one.  that’s the picture i got from your post.  i take things pretty literally. 

it could be cold feet, or  could not be cold feet. no way to tell. if you see  yourself doing this the rest of your life and you’re ok with it, then that’s ok.  no one is perfect but this is what you are signing up for.  what your life is today is what it will be five, ten, fifteen, twenty years from now. 

Post # 13
Member
305 posts
Helper bee

@ConfusedinCali:    sorry if that’s pereceived as attacking but i think i have some good insight. there is nothing wrong with postponing or delaying a wedding.  22 days out or not.   

Post # 14
Member
212 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I don’t think you have cold feet, I think you are rationally thinking about your future and your responsibilities! If you are not happy why go through with it? Honestly it will be a bigger disappointment for you two to get divorced in the future than to call off a wedding now. You could just postpone things until he gets his act together. You shouldn’t have to provide for a grown man! In the future if you get married does he expect you to provide for him and potential children? That is a big burden for one person!

If you have been putting up with your fiance not having a job for a while and playing video games and spending money (why on earth would he consider getting a job if he is getting free money to spend?) I wouldn’t expect his behavior to change. If you are okay with him not working or only working every couple of years then go ahead and get married, but remember you are marrying who he is now, not what his potential is. 

I think you really need to have a conversation with him about this, in my opinion his behavior is unacceptable. I know the economy is tough but when I didn’t have a job I volunteered and spent all day, everyday, looking for a job and networking.

 

Post # 15
Member
1798 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@roxymalone:  THIS!! OP you have to decide what is right for you, but if you get married hoping he will change, you will be disappointed

Post # 16
Member
5118 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

OP- Take the time to think about it, discuss it with him, and see what you feel. But please, do not let ‘being polite’ put you into a marriage that you’re uncomfortable with just so you don’t have to bother folks. It’s your life, it’s just their plane ticket, they will be fine. Do what’s best for you. I wish you the best!

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