Post # 1
Hi everybody! I just joined this site after stumbling upon it and some of the encouraging posts. I have been with my boyfriend for over four years. Like many of you, my boyfriend seems to come up with every excuse in the book as to why we aren’t engaged yet, money being one of them (although he has more than enough money). I am just starting to go crazy as more and more people get engaged. I find myself thinking to myself “what does she have/do different than me that made him want to propose?” Honestly, waiting this long is starting to hurt my feelings and self-esteem feeling like there must be something wrong with me that he doesn’t want to propose to me yet. I know each couple is different but I just can’t help but take it personally that some of my friends boyfriends/fiances/husbands were more than excited to get engaged and did so without any sort of pushing and were excited rather than reluctant and my boyfriend shows no motivation or excitement in the thought of buying a ring and proposing. Do any of you ever feel this way? Does waiting seem to hurt your self-esteem at all? I know it may seem silly to think like this but I am getting so discouraged that I just can’t help it!
Post # 3
I have extremely high self esteem, to society, it’s too high for a plus size woman to have.LMAO Yeah, I love myself. 🙂
Anywho, my SO doesn’t have an excuse. He just tells me he has a date in mind and will do it. No money excuse, no school excuse, but then, we’re 29 & 32. There ARE no excuses.(unless he got laid off or something.) It does hurt my feelings and self esteem sometimes.
I actually told him how this makes me feel and I think it struck a cord with him. He looked sad and told me he WILL do it and nothing is wrong with me. I think now I feel better because he does know it used to make me feel. I don’t like admitting how it made me feel. I think it hurt more because there was no excuse. He just hasn’t done it because of some phantom date. But I’m trying to be patient.
Post # 4
Yes, I think every woman who has had “the talk” and hasn’t gotten better feedback than:
Someday, I’m not ready yet
I need to save up
I need to finsish school/have a better job
You need to finish school/have a better job,
will have sefl-esteem issues. Men don’t understand that not proposing appears to be a rejection of you. They feel if things are fine, why bother? They don’t understand that it’s normal for a woman to want to know she’s going to be wanted not just when she’s cute and young in her 20s to early 30s, but that once the wrinkles start to not go away, once the joints start to creak, she’ll still be beautiful to the man she loves, and he will want to be with her. And of course, having others around you take that step, while you aren’t there yet, will make you feel left behind, make you feel like you must be doing something wrong. I doubt there is anyhting you are doing – your Boyfriend or Best Friend just isn’t there yet, he might want to wait till no one else around you if getting engaged/married to make it more special for you both – I think men like it to be a surprise, and often feel that the engagement is all they get to control in the whole wedding process, so he might be nervous on several counts, and waiting.
There’s nothing wrong with you or how you’re feeling.
Post # 5
Yes I have gone into that horrible ugly “Judge my own relationship based on others Pit” Once I get into that horrible pit I just keep getting deeper and deeper, and it is haaaaaard to get out.
I tell myself that my guy is slow. He took 5 months of dating to ask me to be his Girlfriend, he waited untill I was his Girlfriend to kiss me (what a gentleman.) He took almost a year to say “I love you” so I just tell myself that waiting is inevitable with my guy.
I hope waiting isn’t too hard on you and you won’t be waiting too long. Good luck!
Post # 6
Have you told him how waiting makes you feel? I told my Fiance that I felt like maybe something was wrong that he wasn’t telling me, that I didn’t understand what he was waiting for when I knew we were already in a stable situation and living together and what not. He affirmed to me that nothing was wrong, the relationship was good, that he would do it when he was ready. He was waiting for a specific trip we were going on, but the trip got delayed and so he kept waiting and I didn’t realize that was what was holding him up on doing it.
If he isn’t willing to communicate with you about your feelings, I’m not sure what to tell you.
Post # 7
One of my friends got tired of waiting after 7 years of being together, so one night she asked him to marry her (like Monica on Friends)!. Of course he said yes, and then they went out to get a ring together.
It’s definitely not for everyone (I don’t think I’d be able to), but it was still sweet.
Post # 8
Yes. You probably weren’t asking for some random girl to go off, but let me just say – I’ve lived it.. and you know, sometimes it turns out okay. I will speak from the heart, as I was here a year ago. These feelings had been going on for over 6 months and I had done nothing to address them with my SO. I became the most negative, resentful person. I was not pleasant to be around. I finally reached my breaking point and took a huge step back and took the time to learn. I was scared to voice my opinion, because I didn’t want to pressure him. I was scared to stand up for my needs and wants. I had been with him for 3 years, and I just couldn’t figure out what his problem was, why he kept me waiting. I learned that, had I talked with him openly and honestly about it, I wouldn’t have had to go through the heartache that was self inflicted. The truth was, perhaps he would have said our relationship was over or perhaps we would have built a stronger bond and moved forward more on the same page. I’m happy to say it was the latter – but I feel it is my job to share with you that you are not alone. Just remember your feelings are not wrong but how you deal with those feelings could have a huge impact on how yalls journey turns out! Wishing you the best!
Post # 9
I totally understand how you’re feeling. I even take it a step further…. My SO is divorced and his marriage was a very, very (not enough verys to express it) bad one. He was married to her one year after they met. We’ve been dating 2 years and 2 months. At times my little pitty party goes like this: “he married that crazy nut job after 1 year, what’s wrong with me?” I know that is not a realistic or good way to think. So, don’t feel bad because how you’re feeling is normal.
Good luck !!
Post # 10
Have you actually told him how this is making you feel? That might be a better gateway towards having a more honest conversation about all of this.
Also, how old are you guys? If you’re still in your early or mid-twenties, he may just not be ready, or may have not accomplished what he wanted to before marriage, which is completely reasonable. At that age, being together for 4 years doesn’t always equate to being ready for marriage.
Post # 11
When Fiance and I started talking about getting married, he would also say he wasn’t ready financially. It could be frustrating at times, especially since it sometimes seemed that saving up money wasn’t his first priority.
Once he did feel he was where he wanted to be financially, he bought the ring and proposed. He actually apologized for waiting so long, and said he just didn’t feel ready before. But you know what? He is so excited about us getting married now that it was worth the wait.
Post # 12
Wow, thanks so much everyone! Its great to know that others have felt this way (I thought I was just losing my mind ) Well my boyfriend is 29 and I am 23. So I am relatively young I suppose. I have told him several times how it isn’t me just wanting to be like others who are getting married/engaged. Its just the fact that waiting this long hurts because I feel like after 4 years that he is still unsure about me. I know that this isn’t the case because everytime I bring it up he says that of course he is sure about me. He doesn’t really have a good reason for why he is taking so long. He comes up with various excuses depending on the day. I have heard everything from “your’re personality isn’t developed yet, even mine isn’t!” to “you still haven’t graduated college yet (that time has come and gone since)”, to “you aren’t independent enough (no basis for this one either)” and then of course all the money excuses (despite having more than enough $ for a ring). He has even said that he is afraid to get engaged because we don’t know what we will do for a wedding (where we would want to have it, etc). I told him there is no way we could ever get that figured out if he doesn’t even want to get engaged! So basically what I am saying is that we have had this conversation multiple times about how it is hurting my self-esteem feeling like I am not good enough for him since he still shows no interest in proposing after 4 years. He says he understands and he never meant to make me feel that way and that my time will come, but then he seems to forget the whole conversation a week later. It just is turning into a horribly vicious cycle (he doesn’t want to marry me because I do not have enough self-esteem in his eyes, I don’t have enough self-esteem because he is still showing no signs of a deeper commitment to me after 4 years together). I had great self-esteem up until the last year or so might I add! It all started going downhill once I realized that he had no intentions of doing any sort of proposing anytime soon.
I guess I wouldn’t even mind waiting longer to get married if we could live together prior to getting married (we can’t because his parents are very against it and would have a meltdown if we did). I’m so tired of packing a bag and staying the night at his house each night but not being able to have all my stuff there. We can’t even go on a vacation with just the two of us because his mom would freak out. Ugh, I am just so tired of the sneaking around and having to worry about what his parents think, he is almost 30 years old for Pete’s sake!
Post # 13
I am to that point too! I look at all the crazy and mean girls I know who are engaged and I think “gosh, if some guy wants to get married to her and I’m still not engaged then something must be seriously wrong with me!”
That is great to hear. That gives me a little hope. Thats the other thing I worry about. My boyfriend seems so uninterested in being engaged right now that I feel like once it does happen I’m going to be the only one who is actually excited!
Post # 14
@LittlePenguin: LOL I was convinced I wouldn’t be excited to get engaged after waiting for what felt like forever, but it was & is the most exciting and amazing thing ever!
I think too many women let this happen, so it has become normal.
Every woman deserves to be with a man that can’t wait to marry her and can’t believe how lucky he was to find her! But YOU have to believe you are that amazing for this to happen. I don’t think you should wait around while he gives you bullsh!t excuses.
It sounds like you’ve brought up getting engaged a number of times because you listed his various (and ridiculous!) excuses. At this point, if I were in your shoes, I would pull away like crazy! And you lucky lady you’re only 23!?!!?!?!? You could go out and date up a storm for another 5 years and still be married and have a family by your early 30s! I’m 29… please don’t say i’m old! 30 comes so so fast, so don’t waste your 20s with a man that isn’t just head over heels in love with you! Spend your 20’s being wooed!
Plus, if his parents control his life & decisions now it will ALWAYS be that way. Are you willing to live with that family dynamic forever?
I’m not saying break up, but go and fill your time with social activities you enjoy without him, have a blast with your friends, let him wonder why you are having such a great time without him. Don’t make plans with him, let him initiate your dates for a while! Trust me, I know packing overnight bags is a pain, so stop & make him come to you. Sometimes men don’t know their feelings until they realize they might lose you.
If he’s the man for you he will become concerned, a little jealous and work so hard to win you over! And if he doesn’t then good riddance! You don’t have time for a man that won’t fight for you, and you will be free to find someone worthy of you.
Post # 15
I think it’s probably pretty normal, especially if he’s being vague about it like another poster mentioned. I’ve always had pretty low self esteem (something I’m working on), so I really understand how you’re feeling.
Post # 16
@Mila_MM: ITA.. I would probably be on the verge of closing the door to this chapter if he kept giving me excuses with no rational basis. Excuses are used to buy time in a man’s mind. And like the PP said, you’re only 23.. you have tons of time to find someone who is actually excited about the prospect of marrying you. They’re out there! LoL.
I’m not telling you to just up and leave, but if it were me, he would have to start throwing some timelines out there. I don’t believe in waiting for ANYONE endlessly… time is too precious. Don’t waste years waiting for someone to end up empty handed with your youth dwindling away. Tell him that you need to know by what month/year/WHATEVER that he will propose. If he doesn’t meet his OWN deadlines, charge it to the game & move on.
ETA: I almost forgot… he still lets his PARENTS tell him what he can and cannot do? And he’s 29?? This is not a good sign. He needs to cut the cord.. that is not cute at ALL. I’m 27.. and yeah, sometimes I get nervous when telling my mom something I don’t think she’ll approve of.. sometimes I avoid telling her things altogether, LoL. It’s only because I know what I’m going to do regardless of what she says, so sometimes I’d rather just not open that box.