(Closed) Is this normal?

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Do you check your guys cellphone? does he mind?

    No I don't check, but he wouldn't mind

    Yes, I sometimes check, but he doesn't mind

    I don't check, but he would mind it

    Yes, I sometimes check, he does mind it.

  • Post # 77
    Member
    2480 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    If I felt I had to check my DH’s phone (let alone that I had the right to do so) I’d be questioning the stability of our relationship. I voted that I don’t check but he wouldn’t mind mainly because the whole idea of snooping is completely alien to us. That said, he certainly wouldn’t mind me reading a text if it came through while he was in the bathroom, say. He’d never check my phone either although I’m not paranoid about him using it. Our marriage is based on mutual trust and respect for each other’s privacy so we can’t imagine a circumstance where we’d either hide our phones OR demand that we read each others messages either. 

    I treat phones in the same way as I do personal letters that arrive in the mail. If they aren’t addressed to me then I have no right to open them.

    Quite frankly, anyone who really wants to hide something from you will always find a way. Assuming that you have a right to read someone else’s correspondence/texts when they are reluctant isn’t going to put a stop to any shenanigans but it is going to make the person more deceitful and rather smarter about how they deceive you.

    Post # 78
    Member
    11744 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

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    @incognitobee3:  I’ve been in a relationship like that and I personally value stability and cannot handle that kind of relationship. So to me it wouldn’t matter what he was doing on a breakup – hooking up or not and just being afraid on commitment, the instability wouldn’t be worth it to me so I’d have no desire to reconcile and get back together over and over again. I believe break ups happen for a good reason and once it’s happened, there’s no going back. I think you deserve someone who won’t put you through an emotional roller coaster like that.

    Post # 79
    Member
    649 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    If someone was using my phone under the guise of playing apps, but then was reading my text messages, I’d be beyond annoyed. SO or not, he has the right to privacy, and you are invading his privacy by snooping. I have nothing to hide on my phone, but I don’t want anyone going through it either, because my private texts with my friends are exactly that, private. I would forbid you to use my phone if I were him too. 

    Post # 80
    Member
    964 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2015

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    @MrsWBS:  +1

    Post # 81
    Member
    9049 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

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    @lsimpson:the thing that bugs me the most is that he could simply say: “I don’t want you snooping around at my text messages, because I know you do it and I don’t like it” (and then i would absolutly stop), but I would never forbide him from looking at my phone, it’s weird and bugs me, like he as something to hide, even if he hasn’t.

    But the thing is he shouldn’t have to tell you this. You should automatically respect his privacy.

    Last time I checked it was still illegal to open someone elses mail without permission in most western countries. Email/text is mail.

     

    Post # 82
    Member
    850 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

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    @vorpalette:  Same here, I check it when he cant be bothered to get up and find out who a message is from and im in arms reach!

    I wouldn’t check it otherwise, unless im looking for specific messages (usually from his Mum telling he what time we are expected for dinner, we would always be late if I didnt check, she should just message me!)

    Post # 83
    Member
    12245 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: May 2013

    I’ve definitely peeked once or twice at DH’s messages. He doesn’t have an issue with it (or says he wouldn’t) now that we’re married (?), but was HORRIFIED when he found out I peeked once at his text messages when we were engaged (he has no idea how many times I’ve peeked at his messages and FB messages throughout our relationship)

    But before we got engaged, there were a LOT of girls on FB who would message him casually, and since he dated most of them (before me), I was always a little worried.

    Which I realize makes me a bad person. You guys don’t have to tell me–I know! And I haven’t peeked since before we got married.

    Post # 84
    Member
    163 posts
    Blushing bee

    @lsimpson:  

    I think it’s really rude to go into someone’s phone without asking/without the other person being aware of it. Everyone is entitled to privacy.

    I would be really upset if my Boyfriend or Best Friend was going around reading all my text messages in order to feel “reassured.” My brother used to do this to me in high school, and it irked the heck out of me.

    What do you need to be reassured about? Don’t you trust your significant other? It sure seems like you don’t.

    Post # 85
    Member
    163 posts
    Blushing bee

    View original reply
    @MsKiss:  And to answer your question, we check each other’s phones when the other person is busy doing something else. We tell each other what people text us when we’re together generally. We also leave our emails/FB’s signed in on our personal laptops generally and don’t hesitate to let the other person use our computer. My computer is password-protected and sometimes my phone is too, but Boyfriend or Best Friend knows the password/code if that’s the case. 

    We have so much openness that we could technically snoop on each other, however we don’t go snooping around each other’s phones, emails, FB profiles, etc. That’s for people who don’t trust each other.

    Post # 86
    Member
    1108 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    My Fiance and I use each other’s phones a fair amount.  If we are both at home or in the car and one of us gets a message, the other will sometimes check it and read it out (i.e. when I am baking, or when he is driving).  We have mostly the same group of friends, and we often will text them on behalf of each other, or I’ll say “hey this is LittleNut” on his phone if one of our friends text him.  That is the norm for us so it never feels like one of us is checking up on the other.

    Post # 87
    Member
    257 posts
    Helper bee

    I used to check my ex’s phone all the time, because I ALWAYS found something incriminating! He would get livid if he saw me even near his phone. He was a lying cheating asshole, go figure.

    Now with my Fiance, because of that experience, I checked his phone often in the beginning of our relationship. Because he had nothing to hide, he didn’t really care. Since I never found anything, I eventually lost interest and now he leaves his phone around everywhere but I never have the desire to look at it.

    Look at my two situations and decide which guy you are with!

    Post # 88
    Member
    178 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    We never read each others’ text messagea, emails or fb messages. We trust each other, so there is absolutely no need to snoop. However, at least I have my friends’ secrets on my phone or email inbox, and those are none of DH’s business. I use my company’s email also on some private matters, and that inbox contains some confidential work-related info.

    I would be mad if I texted or emailed about some private issue to a friend and her husband read all about it.

    Post # 89
    Member
    488 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    We check each others! But again not because I don’t trust him, just because I’m super nosey and/or bored 🙂 OR he asks me to if he’s busy or in another room or something. I leave mine about, he does the same. And for that matter I tell him EVERYTHING anyway so there are no secrets he could stumble upon. Gossip or otherwise.

    Except near his birthday and Christmas. Then he has to leave my emails alone! 😀

    And I know he doesn’t mind as we’ve spoken about it. And vice versa. I wouldn’t have done it knowing he wasn’t happy and if he asked me not to, I wouldn’t and wouldn’t care. I trust him 🙂 

    Post # 90
    Member
    1542 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    He feels like he’s being snooped on or he has no privacy if i go through his stuff and I sorta understand that. Cus i sometimes like to have private conversations with my friend (nothing bad) just some details i like to keep between the two of us.

    However, about 3 years ago i actually found something in his phone (a convo between him and his ex) so he lost the right to privacy for a while so i did check his phone periodically  to make sure he actually did cut contact.

    Now we trust each other so we don’t “go through” each others phone really except if we use it for a second and something pops up or is right on top. He’s probably seen more embarrasing things i’ve said to my friend then anything.

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