Is this normal? Husband upset at me when I'm sick… (

posted 5 months ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
465 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

So obviously I concur with the PP’s, but as someone who has had strep throat a bunch of times I wanted to add: if you’re blowing your nose, it’s probably not strep. Strep is not coupled with congestion, but with headaches and a fever. Now, you should go to the doctor anyway, because if it is strep you need antibiotics to get better. The good news is antibiotics will make you feel better AND stop you from being contagious within 24 hours. Even if it’s just a nasty cold, the doctor may be able to help. 

Post # 32
Member
545 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Bee, things will get worse again. The cycle of abuse is absolutely real. There are resources for women without a good support network. They can help you get housing, find legal representation and provide emotional support. You can also go to a doctor for your cold and then talk about your husband. Your doctor can provide local resources.

Isolation is a very common abuse tactic. When I left my abusive ex, I had no one. It was hard but possible. And after that, I was able to make some new friends. It is possible. You don’t need friends now to escape. Maybe your family could help out?

Here are some resources: 

https://www.thehotline.org/

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm/

https://ifstudies.org/blog/four-factors-that-help-women-leave-abusive-relationships

You have done nothing wrong. It is not normal to get mad at your spouse when they are sick. It is not normal to call your spouse “bitch” or other insults. 

Loving husbands help you when you are sick. Are happy to drive you to get your hair done. They care for you, love you, cherish you, protect you. They treat you kindly and gently. They keep their promises. They treat you with respect. You’re not afraid of them. You don’t have to worry what you did wrong. You don’t have to overthink things like being sick. 

Please seek help. Please take care of yourself. Please know you are worthy of kindness, love and affection. You are worth so much more than what this man is giving you. We all know it. 

 

 

Post # 33
Member
697 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

 

shadows9x :  This is heartbreaking to read. This is not normal, your husband is abusive, please find a way to leave this situation. You deserve so much better!

Post # 34
Member
3090 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

shadows9x :  No. This is not normal at all. Not even close.

You know what *most* husbands do when their wife is sick and keeping them awake because of it? They rub your back when you get back into bed and ask if you’re OK or if you need anything. They offer to get you a glass of water or some medication. They offer to go sleep in the other room if they really need to get more rest and your coughing, sneezing, nose-blowing or raspy breathing is going to keep them awake.

They don’t call you a bitch and yell at you.

Post # 35
Member
2599 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

shadows9x :  sounds like my ex, who was abusive. One time I woke up in the middle of the night unable to breath feeling like my lungs were bleeding or burnt, I woke him and got him to take me to the hospital where I was diagnosed with a chemical infection from breathing the chemicals at the job I was working and was given a doctors’s note to take a week off to recover. The next day when I told him i was just considering useing the note to take only one day off in an attempt to get slightly better he freaked out, told me I’d lose my job and that would not be acceptable and then stabbed himself in the arm with a pair of scissors and announced that now he had to go to the hospital, therefore I HAD to go to work or we would both be fired and that if he even thought I didn’t he would claim that I had stabbed him (we worked in the same plant, but his position didnt involve chemical inhalation or lifting half his body weight repeatedly like mine did, he had a chair, I had a standing job and was not allowed to sit unless on break). I’m worried for you. 😞

Post # 36
Member
752 posts
Busy bee

If you can’t/won’t do anything about his behaviour then you’re saying his happiness is more important than yours. Your life is your own and you deserve to be happy and safe and you’ll be neither of these things with this horribly abusive asshole. Seek help, help getting out of your current situation and therapy for yourself. You are worth more than whatever this asshat has to offer you. 

Post # 37
Member
3502 posts
Sugar bee

It breaks my heart to read your posts. Please leave. Being alone with no support is better than being with an abuser who is crushing your soul. You are not selfish. You are not a bitch. You are a human being deserving of love and respect. 

Post # 38
Member
158 posts
Blushing bee

Not normal. A normal response would be to be concerned and at the very least ask whether you are OK. If anyone is being selfish it’s him so it’s ironic that he said that to you.

Post # 39
Member
2356 posts
Buzzing bee

Your husband is an ass and his behavior is not okay.  I’m concerned that you are caught in the cycle of abuse.  

I hope you feel better soon, and please stay home rather than going to the hairdresser when you’re sick! You don’t want to get your hairdresser sick or any of the other staff/customers in the salon!

Post # 40
Member
2026 posts
Buzzing bee

shadows9x :  look, nothing—NOTHING—is normal about your relationship. You have been dealing with his treatment for likely the entire tenure of your relationship, yet you stay. You continue subjecting yourself to this treatment by staying with an abuser. What you see is what you get—why are you shocked by his behavior? He’s shown you who he is, and yet here you are still, allowing him to continue to abuse you physically, verbally, and emotionally. You are still in this situation by your own choosing. You need to come to terms with that. Yes, leaving will be hard but you need to stop making excuses for yourself and why you keep convincing yourself that staying and being a battered woman is better than being single. 

While you’re at it, you need to get into therapy to sort through why your self esteem is so low that you feel like a piece of shit excuse for a man like your husband is all you deserve. 

I know this sounds harsh, but it’s time to take some personal accountability for your situation. Bees have been telling you FOR A YEAR that you need to leave, but for each person telling you to go, you find another bullshit reason why you’re staying. 

It’s time for something to light a fire under your ass. I don’t know what will, but I sure hope something does soon. As we all predicted, things seem to have gotten worse with time. From what I gather, you’re still pretty young. Every second you MAKE THE CONSCIOUS DECISION to stay in this ABUSIVE relationship (because that’s exactly what you’re doing—make no mistake), you’re missing out on finding a man who really does love you and wants to make you happy.

Your husband does not love you. He only loves that he can so easily control you.

Post # 41
Member
11463 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

“I  was just wondering if its normal becuase I was unsure about if I was doing the wrong thing…being loud when I am sick, asking him to drive me. If those were wrong things, then I would try to change that. It was a post to learn more about how to improve myself (initially).”

I’m concerned that you would even need to ask these type of questions. What kind of relationships have you seen or experienced in your life that would give you this kind of doubt? Your husband is an abuser. I’d move back home and look into an annulment. 

Post # 42
Member
3090 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

“I  was just wondering if its normal becuase I was unsure about if I was doing the wrong thing…being loud when I am sick, asking him to drive me. If those were wrong things, then I would try to change that. It was a post to learn more about how to improve myself (initially).”

Let’s pretend for a moment that it *was* wrong for you to be loud and to ask him for a favour (to be clear, it’s not). Even so, even if you were doing something wrong, the appropriate response from a husband to cares about you is to say “hey honey, can you try to be a bit quieter or go to the other bathroom? I can’t sleep” or “sorry, I can’t drive you to your appointment because ___” or “you really shouldn’t be going to your appointment while you’re sick. Why don’t you cancel?”

See how none of those responses included the word “bitch” or any kind of yelling? 

Post # 43
Member
2023 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

You know, my dad called my mom a bitch, a c*nt, a whore. It was years before he started beating her. But that’s all abuse. Why are you with this dumpster fire?

If my husband called me a bitch when I am sick, or really any time,  I would be livid. Why are you not? 

Post # 44
Member
5748 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

Your husband is an abusive asshole and you need to leave.

It sounds like your concerns about leaving are more related to the challenge of doing so and the challenge of creating a new life (with new people) separate from this one. If you’ve managed to “make it work” with an abusive dirtbag, imagine how effectively you could build a life without someone draining your life force and calling you names.

You are sick and he’s calling you names and resentful of you asking him to help you with things. The issues he has cannot be fixed or corrected. You cannot fix him, you can only change what YOU are doing.

Definitely do not take out a bigger mortgage with him. Do not do ANYTHING that will further tie you to him. 

Here’s a teeny tiny baby step you can take- find a therapist and start seeing them regularly (like weekly or every other week). Just start there.

Post # 45
Member
645 posts
Busy bee

shadows9x :  I’m so, so sorry to hear this is happening to you. I understand, your wedding was two weeks away and so you went ahead with it because you couldn’t imagine leaving at that time. 

However, you could have left him the first time he called you a name or was physically aggressive. You COULD have left him two weeks before the wedding. It wouldn’t not have been easy, but it would have been easier than leaving him now. But you CAN still leave him now. Can you stay with family? Do you have any friend anywhere that you could stay with? Can you go to a shelter? Things will not get better from here, they can only get worse. If you don’t leave, you will look back on this time and wish you had. 

Please know this is not your fault. I know it isn’t easy to leave. No matter what you do, you do not deserve being treated the way he treats you. It wouldn’t matter how perfect you were, this is not about anything you do, it is about him and his inability to react in appropriate ways. You are not at fault here. You are also not stupid or weak for not leaving. It’s a very difficult thing to do. But please consider finding the courage inside to leave him this time, before things get worse than they are now. You can do better than him. I wish you the best of luck. 

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