Is this normal? Husband upset at me when I'm sick… (

posted 6 months ago in Relationships
Post # 46
8723 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

shadows9x :  “I always thought a husband would want to help you” — “a husband” is just a dude who got married. He’s the same dude though. You had a shitty abusive boyfriend. When you married him, he became a shitty abusive husband. Marriage does not change someone’s personality. 

I don’t know why I can’t have some sympathy when I’m sick.” — It’s because you married someone who has no sympathy.

At what point are you going to accept that this is not normal and that he is not going to change? It doesn’t matter that he SHOULD change. He’s not going to. He is a piece of shit human. If you stay with him, you are choosing to be with a piece of shit person who will continue to abuse you. If you don’t like it, the only choice is to leave. That’s it.

Post # 47
1891 posts
Buzzing bee

shadows9x :  Go get yourself a therapist and work through with them your next steps, what you want, and how to get it. Start there. 

Post # 48
1195 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

shadows9x :  Nope he’s an asshole. I had strep just before Christmas and I was so desperate for relief, my Fiancé went to walgreens at 3am and sat up with me. He had to be up at 8 for work. I’m sharing this with you so that you can see that someone who calls you a “selfish bitch” when you’re sick is the opposite of normal.

Post # 49
47 posts

Thats horrible. I agree with what everyone says about seeing a therapist, they will really help you understand what is and isn’t normal and what your options are. You are only accountable for your actions, and he is accountable for his. If he calls you horrible names and is vile to you,  its not your fault, it is unacceptable and he is the one who is accountable. Please don’t let years go by putting up with this. The only way things can get better is if you reach out to people and talk about whats happening- to your parents, a doctor, a therapist. Life should not be like that.

Post # 50
711 posts
Busy bee

GIRL, how did you decide to marry this man?! He sucks! A SO is a partner who treats you with respect and understanding and while we are all human and have moments of weakness, that’s not what’s happening here. I read back through a lot of your previous posts and honestly, you sound very immature and naive. Every single one of your posts made my mouth drop for one reason or another.  I truly don’t understand how you got here especially when you openly posted in this thread about no longer living/being with your brand new husband…

Post # 51
455 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2019

I haven’t seen your other post but just from what you wrote here – this is abuse. Verbal and emotional abuse. No joke. And it’s only going to get worse. 

Post # 52
597 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I’ve been in an abusive relationship before.  You already know he’s abusive.  You know what we’re going to say.  He feeds something you need just like we are feeding you something you need.

 Sooner or later the Bees will stop trying to be helpful and supportive and start giving you some tough love.  Sooner or later your husband will stop yelling at you all the time and will start beating you all the time, because yelling obviously doesn’t work.

You’ve got to figure out why you’re attracted to this man.  What is it inside of you that finds part of this sexy? This is what the problem is, you like some of these bad things that he does that make up for the worse things.  Maybe a nice guy would bore you.  I’m not talking about BDSM stuff, but maybe you’re into that too, however most of those relationships have a deep foundation of trust, communication, and respect. You don’t have that.

What you have is a man that barely tolerates you, doesn’t respect you, will always believe you are beneath him, is disgusted by you, will cheat on you because you have little value to him, will not fall more in love with you and will get more abusive to you.  Yet you get enough out of it that you’re not even considering leaving.  You’re sick, possibly sicker than he is.  Please don’t have children. 

Post # 53
515 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Stevens Estate

I totally understand the whole loneliness thing. I’ve been with my husband for 11 years, married for 4. I have no friends but him (and my sister). So I completely understand why the idea of leaving can be terrifying.

But when abusive behavior is involved, I definitely think it’s time to find an outside support system – even if it’s just your mom or an aunt. I think therapy is great idea. Maybe having someone outside your personal life tell him that this behavior is extremely damaging , could trigger something in his head and make him come to some sort of realization. 

But it also could backfire, as some abusers hate being called out, especially by the one who they target their abuse on. 

Bottom line though – his behavior of verbal and physical abuse is not okay in any way. Don’t wait years to address it. The longer it goes on, the harder it becomes to either fix the relationship or get out of it. 

Post # 54
788 posts
Busy bee

Supernurse :  Whoa, I understand what you are trying to say, but I feel like this went a bit too far. As someone who has been in an abusive relationship before, you should know it’s not that black and white. I have also been in an abusive relationship before. Usually it happens because there is some sort of trauma involved with love and there’s not a clear recognition of what real love is. It could be a neglectful or abusive parent, for example. You begin to recognise abuse as love, so even when you don’t want the abuse it feels normal to you. 

Another issue is that the cycle of abuse is a very addicting one. The highs and the lows create this rollercoaster that you might want to get off of, but you are addicted to the fear and excitement. When he’s kind to you, it feels SOOOO GOOD. Abusers are also great at manipulating both their victim and the people around them. It’s so easy to believe that your abuser only did this or that because YOU made them, and if you hadn’t said that thing or did that action, nothing would have happened. Everyone around you usually thinks your abuser is charismatic and charming, and might not believe you if you said what was really going on, or worse, would blame you.

Which brings me to my point. Blaming this woman is not a great way to get the point across. She’s been manipulated and abused, and leaving is a very difficult thing to do because it’s wrapped up in the very foundation of how she sees herself. It’s not so simple when you are in this situation.

The best thing for the OP to do is share this story with people who love and support her. Do not keep his actions a secret. It is not your fault. You don’t have to be ashamed that you married someone who treats you this way…he was good at picking you, who he saw as vulnerable, he was good at convincing and manipulating you. He probably did this before he even met you. It’s not your fault that you listened to him and believed him. Don’t protect him by keeping his actions secret. Reach out to someone who loves you. 

Post # 55
778 posts
Busy bee

Hey, OP. Question: Do you ever want to have kids? If you do, please realize that the longer you stick around with the wrong guy, the longer it will take you to find happiness with the right guy and have children. Idk how old you are either, but you only have so much time to have children biologically.

Or do you have any goals or ambitions for the future? Desires to go to graduate school? Dreams of traveling? But are maybe holding back because he tries to convince you you can’t do it?

Idk what you specifically want in life, but maybe you just need a reason to cling to to give you the strength you need to extricate yourself from this marriage.

The longer you drag yourself through the mud with this guy, the longer you delay your happiness. 

And I’m scared for you. Please don’t risk your safety and your life by staying with him. He’s abusive and he could easily kill you. Someone I went to high school with a year older than me lost her sister to domestic violence and it was so horrible. 

You may think he’s gotten better recently, but would you bet your life on it?

Post # 56
1136 posts
Bumble bee

strawberrysakura :  I agree with everything you’ve said, but at some point when you realise you’re being abused (as OP must do since she’s created numerous threads about this behaviour) it becomes a choice to stay. She has not given any indication that he is preventing her from leaving in any way, so she is making the decision to tolerate this behaviour because to her it is better than being alone or without him. She is a victim, but she is choosing to remain a victim by not leaving. 

Post # 57
788 posts
Busy bee

ariesscientist :  I do agree with you, but I also think that the mental and emotional abuse complicates the matter. It’s a very logical argument, but when in the situation the logic sort of goes out the window. It’s psychological. 

I’m assuming that the OP feels alone and powerless, which is impacting her courage to leave. 

Post # 58
2905 posts
Sugar bee

Your husband’s behaviour is very, very wrong. 

Post # 59
597 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

strawberrysakura :  I think we’re basically saying the same thing.  Yes she’s a victim, yes it’s a cycle on many levels, yes it’s her that needs to change this, yes this will be difficult because she doesn’t even really want to.  

I realized when I left my abuser that statistically I was likely to find, attract, and be attracted to another abuser.  I had to stop this cycle.  I had to figure out why I allowed it to get worse and worse because it starts out so small.  What were my boundaries, did I like the excitement and the romance afterwards, what part did I play?

So yeah she’s a victim until the day she decides she’s not going to be a victim anymore and do the hard work, including dealing with things like PTSD, that she has to do.  Keep feeding her the he’s bad, you’re a victim hasn’t helped her and could be feeding this cycle.

Post # 60
521 posts
Busy bee

Nope not at all normal. Get away from this man bc this will escalate & get alot worse. Bc his behavior is absolutely unacceptable & you should not in no way tolerate it…

You deserve way better! 

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