Is this normal behavior?

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
345 posts
Helper bee

Just her personality, I wouldn’t be too worried about it. I doubt she will change. Some people are very competitive and she might also be an attention seeker. 

Post # 3
1008 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 1983

Don’t give in to her or you’ll spend the rest of your lives doing her bidding.

Post # 4
1362 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - Banquet Hall/Conference Center

I wouldn’t say it’s normal but unfortunately more common than you’d think. 

PS – I didn’t know it wasn’t normal to not tell your parents what gifts you got and who gave them. For our engagement party we made a whole Excel sheet and shared it with out parents. For wedding we will do the same, mostly because a lot of the guests will be family, their friends / coworkers, and friends of the family. So obviously they would want to know who got what right? They couldn’t care less about what my friends got us though – they mostly just care about what their friends got.

Post # 5
2401 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

akshali2000 :  I think it’s odd that your parents would want a list of who got you what. What are they planning on doing with that information? I wouldn’t share that info with anybody as part of a spreadsheet. Can you explain? I don’t understand. 

Post # 6
133 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

I plan to give both sets of parents a list of gifts we received.  They asked.  My parents like to know, because in our culture (similar to akshali2000’s) they got to a lot of wedding & gifts are usually money.  It doesn’t bother me, I know my parents (or fiance’s) aren’t going to misuse that info.  OP’s Future Mother-In-Law on the other hand, seems like she might.

Post # 8
6829 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Just keep saying no to the shower and no to her other demands. She should plan a vow renewal for herself so she can be the center of attention and plan everything just as she’d like. 

Post # 9
9688 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2014 - Chicago, IL

jannigirl :  Seems strange, but I know in some cultures, especially Japanese, they are very big on reciprocal gift giving. So if you give them something valued at $200, they must in turn give you something valued at $200 back at your next event. I’m not sure if that’s the case here though.

alfalfasprout10518 :  I think that’s your soon to be MIL’s personality, unfortunately. I agree with PPs. Don’t give in. If you do, then you’ll set the precedent that it’s ok for her to tell you guys what to do and dictate your lives.

Post # 10
447 posts
Helper bee

It’s annoying, but not completely abnormal behavior. Showers are a big deal for some families, and I can see her disappointment if she’s been going to other people’s kids showers for years, and when it’s her turn it doesn’t happen. You don’t owe her a shower if you don’t want one, but should cut her some slack for being bummed about it.

Post # 12
395 posts
Helper bee

Oh boy. She seems like the type where if you tell her what someone gave you she’d say “Oh? Well I spent x amount on HER child’s wedding gift! How DARE they cheap out on MY SON!” 

It is refreshing to see a post on here where the fiance is actually standing up to his mother though, so you at least got that in your favor. 

Post # 13
5864 posts
Bee Keeper

alfalfasprout10518 :  I can see she’s doing everything for herself here, otherwise she’d be going with what you and your fiance wants, not trying to badger you into doing what she wants. And apparently she keeps score with her friends and is keenly worried about coming up on the short end. 

I think your fiance’s sweet, humble, unassuming personality is actually a conscious effort not to be like his mom. We learn from those around us- some we admire and respect and want to emulate, others are a cautionary tale of what we don’t want to become ourselves. 

I wouldn’t give into her simply because, with this type of person, there will always be a next time and a time after that. So better to set a precedent now of not catering to her demands. At least you and your fiance are a united team on this, that’s 2/3 of the battle right there. 

Post # 14
972 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

alfalfasprout10518 :  No this is not normal, this is typical Narc behaviour (normal for narcs). My mom who is also a narc kept comparing and asking who gave us what for the wedding, who spent what and who did what. Exhausting just to think about it and compare everything.  Like am I supoosed to keep detailed tabs on all this and report to you(we kept a list so that we can write thank you notes)? Everyone did what they wanted, spent what they were comfortable with and gave what they could… it was so ambarassing for me .. like so and so should have given more because they are better off, omg i cant believe this person is so cheap. I was just mortified when my narc mom started talking like this. Comparison is the thief of joy. 

Post # 15
2482 posts
Buzzing bee

So… Fi’s mother was just in town and I was appalled when she said to Fi, “I need to let [your uncle and his wife] know what to get you for your wedding, so give some thought to that. And they need to get you something really expensive, because I got [your cousin] a $5,000 piece of artwork for HER wedding.”

And then later commented that she was throwing us the second reception she’s been planning in Fi’s hometown, “so that you guys get more gifts.”

Definitely not normal, but apparently more normal in some cirlces than one would expect.

Thankfully, I have not been subjected to any showers. 

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