Is this normal behavior at a shower or I being too sensitive?

posted 2 months ago in Family
Post # 46
4577 posts
Honey bee

Also highly recommend that you read the Good Girl Syndrome.

Post # 48
122 posts
Blushing bee

Will you or your fiance be addressing this to his mother? I would definitely have a chat about it – specifically the part that she invited all her friends? That doesn’t even make sense, the party is for people who are there to celebrate you, people that you actually know and want to be there. If she’s throwing the party, the guests should still be there for you, not her. Don’t just let things happen to you, don’t want to wait alone for 40 minutes? Don’t. 40 minutes is a long time to wait alone. Are your bridesmaids close friends? It’s just hard for me to imagine if it’s a party for me, that literally no one would notice that I have disappeared for 40 minutes so I can see why that would be super upsetting. I also don’t get why your mom put you there in the first place. You should ask her.

I wouldn’t be too worried about the small stuff, like chatting in the back. Sorry but people just do that, as rude as that may be. I don’t think she needs to help with gifts, not really her job even if she is hosting. Also… I feel like you can handle it right? I also wouldn’t want my “elders” to help with that, I’d just want them to be there to enjoy the party. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Be thankful that they did want to celebrate you and throw you a party. If you truly did not want a party, be a bigger advocate for you and say sorry your appreciate that they want to celebrate you but you don’t want a party so you don’t have to deal with this stuff.

Post # 49
1673 posts
Bumble bee

Your in laws sound annoying. I used to have a lot of “fake friends” when I was younger so I know what it’s like to be at an event that is supposedly about you but people act like it isn’t. Not a nice feeling at all. Are you seeing someone about your social anxiety? xo

Post # 50
3945 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

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@TeacherBee323:  I agree! The tone of the responses here are just as absurd as the responses on her previous thread. Once again, I’m left scratching my head at some of these responses. 

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@westcoastbride44:  OP, I think that this needs to serve as a life lesson for you. “No” is a one word sentence. No one can force you to do anything you don’t want to do. Going forward, refer back to this experience when dealing with pushy in-laws or pushy anyone in general. I understand where you are coming from when you opted to wait 40 minutes, but me as a person, I would have come out of the room, potential surprises or no. And while people keep harping on the fact that no one should sit in silence and watch you open gifts, speaking loud enough to be a distraction is rude. Speaking during someone’s speech is RUDE. Five year olds grasp this concept. And as everyone seems to be stuck on your in-laws arriving before your fiance, most of us had our fiance show up at the end of the shower. Where I’m from, that’s a big tradition. My hubsand would have been a little bummed to have missed it, especially if he expected to attend.

I know you say that you are a push over or painfully shy, but there are ways to still stick up for yourself. If one on one conversations bring too much anxiety, stand up for yourself over text. As the wedding approaches, make sure you are keeping this day centered around you and your Fiance. I’d even suggest appointing someone (perhaps MOH) to assist keeping things calm and on track the day of if you feel ill equipped to handle it.  

Post # 51
13555 posts
Honey Beekeeper

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@westcoastbride44:  “He told her many times not to invite that many people since I did not want it, but she kept insisting it would be more “fun” with more people, would not listen to him, and sent out the invites anyways.”

I still say your fiance has some responsibility here. He should have let his mother know that if she went ahead with her plan contrary to your wishes and his very clearly worded request, it would be without a guest of honor. 

From the way you describe it it sounds like Future Mother-In-Law believed she had made her point and Fiance had backed down or at least stopped objecting. When did he realize she had, in fact, invited all those people and what happened then? What should have happened is him standing firm to let her know she will have to tell her friends there was a misunderstanding, hers.  

Post # 52
6216 posts
Bee Keeper

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@westcoastbride44:  geez the bee sure hasn’t changed much since I bailed on it a year ago. I can see where the little and not so little things would add up until the whole shower like one disaster. Anyone who says otherwise is not great at empathy. So yeah, definitely work on your spine. But Mother-In-Law was fully rude and there’s no getting around that. She insists on hosting and then doesn’t interact with you at all? Rude and probably very noticeable to others.  Doesn’t notice the guest of honor is missing? I don’t believe that. It’s unfortunate that your mom somehow forgot you as well. You must be a bit of a wallflower in normal times. I’d have probably been texting someone about the wait but that’s water under the bridge now. Present opening is lame but most people can fake interest for a few gifts at least before turning their attention away. Speaking over the speech is 100% rude to both you and the speaker. Like inexcusable unless she waxed on for a half hour. 

I’m sorry but there’s no way (some of) the bees would be cool with all of this if they weren’t drawing off your other post too. All I really take from the both together is that Mother-In-Law isn’t as cool as you think with the jacket incident. She’s likely holding a grudge. You all need to sit and clear the air -about both jacket and hurt feelings. You also need to be sure she has no say in future events. You and fiancé must both grow real, solid spines. No clearly doesn’t mean no to her. 

Post # 53
1287 posts
Bumble bee

OP, I honestly think you should let this go. Chalk it up to wedding excitement or whatever. I hope you have talked with your Fiance about this so he knows how you feel. If these behaviors continue, he needs to be a part of addressing them. How long until your wedding? I hope things get better for you with the family after the wedding festivities are over. 

Post # 54
7519 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

There is either one of two things going on here. 1 is that your Mother-In-Law is holding some resentment towards you and your actions over the whole dress/jacket saga and is acting out or 2. You are holding resentment over the whole dress/jacket saga and are letting that bias your reactions to what happened.

Because you have gone from a relationship of being close enough with the in-laws to live with them half of the year and most of summer to being certain your Mother-In-Law is an evil witch.


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Post # 55
2307 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

No, this is not normal behavior and I will honestly tell you your Mother-In-Law and SILs behavior is a bit of a red flag. If you have time for a story: My Mother-In-Law also threw me a shower I didn’t want. I specifically told her not to make it a shower (it was just supposed to be a cocktail party with some of her friends and their kids so I could get to know them better as the families are all pretty close) and she big-fat-did-it-anyway. I didn’t even know it was a shower until my mom got the invitation and shared it with me. The whole shower was basically just for her and my SIL to show off. There are more pictures of them in front of all the decorations than there are of me. As soon as I was opening gifts and the attention wasn’t on her, my Mother-In-Law disappeared and came back with her “signature” chocolate martinis and started passing them out so all the attention was back on her. Then she “needed help” carrying them all out so my SIL and like half of her friends got up to help her. At the end she passed out angels to everyone as a memory of her husband that passed away, again hijacking the whole shower. What’s worse: when my now husband showed up, my SIL showed him every gift we got. I didn’t get that chance. I was so pissed. 

All of this is to say that we actually took a time out from them when I was pregnant and after our baby was born becuase this “all about me” behavior only got worse when the baby came.  Talk with your fiance. Set up some boundaries now. From now on, when you say No, mean it and if your Mother-In-Law does it anyway then just don’t go. 

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