Post # 1
Regular bee going anon as I have friends on the site.
My fiance’s behavior is really starting to disturb me. He gets upset over eeeeevertyhing and when I say everything I mean it. To me, he doesn’t know how to choose his battles. He bloes up over the smallest things and I don’t think I can handle it anymore. We’ve been the couples couselling and the counsellor flat out told him because of his childhood issues he needs to see a personal counsellor for our relationship to work. Yesterday we got in three arguments and I want some opinions.
Yesterday I put some papers on his dresser when I was clearning up – he saw the papers and said “Why would you do that you see my dresser is dirty”. Now to be fair me and him have issues with his lack of cleanliness. He never wants to clean, dust anything and it dresser is atrocious. Now, i didn’t realise there was dust on the top but I put the papers on top of something else. I said to him “I didn’t see any dirt but maybe you should wipe the dresser off”. That started WWI – he began yelling about how I shouldve put them in a bag first and it was so rude of me to suggest he cleans his dresser. Ok fine, i will take responsibility for that comment but it IS the truth.
While discussing our cake options I told him the bakery said it’s fine for us to pick up the cake. He told me (he has mentioned this before) heis not comfortable with us picking it up. The fee for delivery is 200.00 and our cake costs 200.00 so that , to me, is a ridiculous cost. So I suggested maybe his groomsmen can help out. He said none of his friends are doing that. I told him that I disagree with that fee and we cannot afoord it (we are already over budget tremendously). It’s funny because he complains about the budget but yet always wants to tack things on. I told him I won’t be paying for that and gave an example of us having an extra entree and that is bringing us over. Then he began yelling about me wanting things my way and he’s not putting anymore extra money into the wedding. (my thoughts are how do you want to tack on extra costs but you’re not putting in extra money, kind of irrational?). He also stated I was blaming him for the extra entree price even though I said “we” not “you”. To be fair I was against the second entree but since he started yelling and complaining about me always getting my way I gave in. So there goes the second blow up
He was leaving for work and said something rude to me about something I promised him I wouldve done. I ignored him because at this point I was so fed up with his previous behaviour. He then started yelling about how I don’t respect him and i want to live seperate lives. He told me he’s not doing a damn thing for me anymore and I can mail the invites to my family only and he will deal with his. To be honest I have done everything for the invites and put stamps on so he really has nothing to do other than to drop them in the mailbox (which is what I had asked him to do)
Any opinions bees? I really don’t understand why everything is an issue with this man and he keeps blowing things our of proportion. i feel that he is extremely insecure and doesn’t know how to have conversations. I feel like all of these arugments could have SIMPLY been conversations between us be he yells and gets upset at the drop of the dime. I hate that when we have disagreements he goes to this ugly and childish place and says vindictive things.
Any opinions are appreciated!
Post # 2
I’d also like to add he has only been like this since we have moved in together. Before that we never arugued even once in 2 years.
Post # 3
- Wedding: August 2013 - Wynn Las Vegas
Put this wedding on hold STAT! Things do not automatically get better after you are married. Tell him he needs to get some help before things move forward any more.
Post # 4
I’m with you on argument 1, with him on argument 2 (there’s a reason it costs $200!! How pissed would you be at his groomsmen if they dropped it or it tilted or something? Not fair to put that pressure on people), and not enough info on argument 3.
But these are just 3 examples — it sounds like there are dozens. That’s a problem. Who’s right and who’s wrong for each individual argement isn’t really the issue. If he blows up and can’t communicate, and isn’t willing to work on that… Yeah, big problem.
Post # 5
He seems to lack effective communication skills. Has he always been temperamental like this? He needs to learn how to disagree in a respectful way. Is the wedding stressing him out? I would sit down and have a talk with him,but start by saying that the discussion is over if he yells. Try to figure out what’s going on and see if he can help you understand why he’s blowing up. If things don’t improve at all, you just may want to postpone mailing those invites.
Post # 6
I appreciate the feedback. I am not looking for anyone to take sides to be honest but for clarity on the second issue we are having 4 8″ inch cakes.. there are no tiers and no decorations… our florist will be adding flowers at the reception so its not a big deal.. of course thats my opinion
Post # 7
You should NOT be planning a wedding to or marrying a man who you cannot communicate with. I mean, your couple’s counsellor literally told you he has a ton of stuff to work through before your relationship can work and you are still planning to marry him? Seriously, no. That’s a terrible idea. Look at the kinds of fights you are having now BEFORE you are legally bound together for life. Marriage will only exacerbate the gaping holes in your foundation. Please, please, please put any wedding plans on hold before you put any more money down and work on getting your relationship to a good, healthy place (if that’s possible) first.
Also did he start seeing that personal counsellor?
Post # 8
I didn’t even read through the whole post. If you have to ask if it’s normal behavior, i think you know the answer. I agree with PP, you need to put the wedding on hold to figure this out
Post # 9
Ohhhh, ok. Yeah then, I’m with you after all. Mere mortals can certainly pick up 4 8″ cakes! Like you said though, and every seems to agree with, these specific examples are not the issue — he needs to learn to communicate. I would not marry someone who blew up over everything. That’s no way to live life (for you OR him)
Post # 10
Did you move in after getting engaged? To me, it almost sounds like the stress is getting to him – which I think could be normal behaviour. It’s normal to get snappy when you feel like you’re under a lot of pressure and stress.
If you moved in after getting engaged and were planning this wedding at the same time, it might seem like moving in was the cause, when it’s the actual planning that’s getting him irritated… Especially since you’ve never seen signs of this short temper in your relationship up until now.
If you moved in and didn’t have the stress of planning a wedding and he was acting like this on a daily basis anyway, that’s a different story.
Post # 11
no, we moved in before. However, since moving in I’ve seen he has these issues.
Post # 12
No, it’s not normal. Does he become verbally abusuive when he blows?
It’s no coincidence it started after you moved in. Now he feels that he “has” you & can be his true self. Your counselor is right not to see you together, but to recommend individual therapy for him.
I would definitely postpone the wedding.
Post # 13
These seem like things to disagree over- not have huge blow ups about! Seems he is blowing things out of proportion. I would definitely postpone and get this sorted out before you proceed!
Post # 14
I agree. I don’t understnad why these aren’t conversations but instead they are these big blow ups! I tell him that it’s not a big deal but then he says I am chastising him and I can’t tell him whats a big deal and whats not.. I’m at a a loss
Post # 15
Please postpone the wedding!! Stress reveals character. Please give yourself time to live together for a while and for you to decide if his behavior is acceptable for you and any future children.
And to answer your question, his behavior is not normal behavior.