(Closed) is this normal? – ex question

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
891 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

This probably isn’t going to be the answer you want to hear, or the popular answer on the Bee, but I think you’re being a tad overdramatic.

You have to realize the his kids are going to come first. Always. He needs to have a civil relationship with the ex, which it seems like he does. If exes in that situation can be friendly, they should be, it’s in the best interest of their children.

As for the “heartbroken boyfriend” and how you fight differently than they fought, that’s because you two have a different relationship than he does with the ex. If you talked the same way, fought the same way, etc, you’d be the ex.

Of course there should be boundaries, but you also have to either tolerate that they have a relationship and are going to have one for the rest of their lives.

Post # 4
Member
2104 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I’ll start off by saying I’m not an encore bride, but did date a divorced man for awhile… your situation seems odd to me.  He should be putting his relationship with you first and caring for your emotional needs, not his ex’s.  It’s one thing to be on good terms for the sake of the kids, it’s another to constantly call and call and call… and call, until she picks up because he’s afraid she’s mad at him.  That’s just weird.  Sounds like either some serious boundaries need to be enforced, or you both need couples counseling to work on strengthening your relationship with each other (instead of his relationship with her), or he’s still got some attachments to her and you’ll have to make a decision on whether you’ll always be okay being “2nd place” to his ex.

Post # 5
Member
1352 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I understand they have kids together and should be friendly to one another but HELL NO.  My Fiance has an ex-wife, no kids (thank God) and if they had that kind of relationship I wouldn’t be able to stand it, I am way too jealous.  I hate to say this but I think he still has feelings for her.

Post # 6
Member
704 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

Don’t answer if it’s an uncomfortable subject but…when he and his ex split, who was the one who initiated it?

I agree, it seems like he still has feelings for her. It’s not normal to be at an ex wife’s beck and call for every. little. thing., kids or not. He has an obligation to keep a calm, progressive environment for his kids, not to kiss her ass every time she throws a tantrum, and especially not to put her over you.

Post # 7
Member
270 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2001

I am married to a man who was married before.  They have 2 kids together.  There is a difference in being polite and friendly, and going overboard.  They seem to be very immersed in each other’s lives.  I personally, would not be able to handle that.  I could never come second in my DH’s life.  And yes, that includes to ANY kids too!  Is it good to be friendly with the ex you have kids with?  Ofcourse!!  Does that mean he needs to speak to her everyday, and be concerned because she is upset that he made a very reasonable decision about school pics?  Nope!  I would really consider what kind of marriage you want, and see if you will have that with your husband so involved with another woman.

Post # 9
Member
995 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@fireNice:  hmmm

idk i can’t give you an honest assessment because I only have limited info

 

but it doesn’t SOUND like he’s hung up on his ex–some feelings might still be there, but they don’t sound like ‘love’ feelings to me

 

 

Post # 10
Member
2414 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@SweetVanity:  I have to agree completely.

Kids will always be first, and since his relationship with his ex revolves around their shared children, this will always be important in his life.

Post # 11
Member
2863 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

That would not be okay. My fiance was married before and had children with the ex wife and that would not fly in our household. Being civil? Sure. Being kind and friendly even? Great. But what you are describing is out of bounds and makes me uncomfortable just reading it. There is no need to be constantly texting, calling and talking. He should not be runnng around for her nor pandering to her whims. That is all highly inappropriate and there is no way I’d stand for it. 

Post # 12
Member
891 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@mixtapehearts:  According to the post, he isn’t “pandering to her whims”, he’s running things his children left behind. There’s a big difference between, oh I forgot to get milk, could you go get some? and hey, the kids left their boots at your place, can you drop them off?

Post # 13
Member
3771 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

It sounds like they really tried to keep everything together and easy on their kids.  It sounds like a family unit,just that the parents don’t live together. I know this has to be hard for you, but your Fiance is making adjustments and it will all take time.

I think you need to pick and chose your battles here and realise that for this whole thing to work you all need to be on a team, not in competition with his ex. In all honesty ,what is the big deal if she orders pictures, if they have done the same thing for 2 years, why does something like that need to change because you are in the picture. The kids need boots, these are not big issues. The bigger issue is your FI’s emotional response to her, which it seems like he has sided with you and is working on changing.

Post # 14
Member
891 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@35thannidaughter:  You expect your Darling Husband to put you before his children?

I’m hoping I read that wrong.

Post # 15
Member
270 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2001

@Miss Orchard:    I have to respectfully disagree.  Why would kids come before a marriage?  They will eventually leave the home, and the married couple will be left.  I think that should be the most important relationship.  what the Op described goes beyond the normal ex relationship.  Mutual respect is important, but this seems to go beyond that.

Post # 16
Member
2077 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

My parents divorced when I was 4, and I didn’t get to see my dad as often as I would have liked.  The fact that he’s running forgotten items to his girls when they need them sounds like it could be a little annoying, but think about how his girls must feel.  My dad NEVER did that kind of stuff.  If we forgot something at his house, we went without it until we saw him next.

These are his children, whom he loves. He probably hates that he doesn’t get to see as often as he’d like.  Stealing small moments like that would be something I know I’d be doing if I were in his situation.

Also, having a civil relationship with his ex is benifitting his children as well.  They won’t feel the need to pick sides or choose between mom and dad.  I’m grateful my parents never bad mouthed the other and made sure to communicate- Something I’m positive he’s just trying to do for the kids.

It’s a tough situation to step into, but it will not change until the kids are both 18- I can promise you that.  Until the children are legally adults, your Fiance and his ex will be in constant contact with one another.  You need to ask yourself if you’re willing to live the life that you’re currently living- Contact with the ex, running errands for his children, the whole 9 yards, because it will not change.

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