(Closed) Is this offensive?

posted 7 years ago in LGBTQ
  • poll: "Groomsdyke:" Offensive?


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    I'm straight but I think it's offensive

    I'm straight but I think it's okay

    Not sure


  • Post # 17
    2453 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2017

    I’m straight, but I’ll weigh in anyways.

    I think it could be offensive to some people, but not to all.  It’s clearly not offensive to her, but I would treat it as an inside joke (ie don’t go saying it in front of Grandma).

    A lot of this has to do with tone as well.  It’s one thing to push down some high schooler and say nerd disgustedly.  It’s another to laugh and comment “Oh, you’re such a nerd” when your friend goes on a tangent about Star Trek.

    Post # 18
    999 posts
    Busy bee

    If she called herself it, it seems like she’s fine with it.  I wouldn’t feel comfortable referring to her in that way, especially to outsiders.  DH’s had women on his side.  We called one his “Best Woman” and the others his “Groom’s Girls.

    Post # 19
    7546 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2014

    I don’t personally find it offensive, but I can absolutely see how some people may find it offensive, regardless of their own sexual orientation. When it comes to offensive things, it’s not so much what you feel is offensive but what someone else feels is offensive.  Since it’s borderline, I’d limit the use of this term to only when in close company and preferrably when the self-appointed “groomsdyke” uses it to refer to herself.

    Post # 20
    970 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2014 - Banff, Alberta

    @ladyamalthea:  to me dyke is the equivalent to fag. So yes offensive. 

    Post # 21
    558 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    Queer woman here.  If that’s the title she wants, then use it!  I wouldn’t put it in the program, obviously, but if she wants to be groomsdyke, then dammit, that’s her right to reclaim dyke for herself.  I don’t see the issue here.  Do you want to tell her not to call herself that?  Or are you worried about talking about her to others?  I would understand not wanting to tell your 86 year old granny that you’re having a groomsdyke, but otherall, it’s the title she picked.  It’s not like you picked it for her.  If she likes it and she’s reclaiming dyke and it makes her happy, then more power to her.

    Post # 22
    12244 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: May 2013

    By itself? Yeah, that’s pretty offensive.

    But if that’s how she’s identifying herself, then I think it’s fine!

    But I wouldn’t label someone with that or anything.

    Post # 23
    8482 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: April 2014

    @ladyamalthea:  Have you asked her? I wouldnt feel comfortable saying it unless she said it was fine.

    Post # 24
    1181 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    @ladyamalthea:  My FI’s sister who is his best man, could fit that description of your FIs friend but I would never describe her as such. Our “groomsgirl/bestwomanl” may be offended. BUT if your friend calls herself that then im sure its ok. I just wouldnt say it infront of other people… because some people may get offended that you are using the word d*ke. 


    Post # 25
    1671 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    I’m also in the camp of, “She can say it but you can’t”… Unless you’re talking to her, I think. Since she seems to not mind. I only know a few lesbians, but the ones I know don’t like to be called that. They tease each other with it, yes, but it’s not considered a polite word.

    Post # 27
    9 posts
    • Wedding: September 2015

    I feel like all the “it’s in poor taste” responses are kind of just related to people being uncomfortable with how she puts her sexuality up front and center by referring to herself as a groomsdyke.  This is how some people feel about things like pride parades, and I think that often (NOT always) deriding things related to subcultures as “in poor taste” is just a coded way of being prejudiced against the subculture without having to say that you are afraid of X group of people.  Because really, who cares what you call yourself or what you wear or who you sleep with?  

    So yeah, your grandma or a stodgy uncle might be offended if they heard it (whether because of prejudice or because of general “don’t use foul language, my precious ears!”-type stuff), but who cares?  She’s not offended, you’re not offended, your Fiance isn’t offended, you aren’t bashing her sexual preferences, it sounds like your reference is not likely to come off as homophobic given the circumstances . . seems okay for casual conversation to me.

    Post # 28
    4697 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    View original reply
    @Hyperventilate:  I was thinking the same thing.. Makes absolutely zero sense.

    Post # 29
    141 posts
    Blushing bee

    I’m straight but I find it offensive.

    Post # 30
    1065 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2014


    View original reply
    @KC-2722: The idea makes sense. The idea is that, historically, dominant groups have used certain words to degrade and abuse marginalized groups (there are myriad examples). As we progress, and marginalized groups gain more power, they may take those words and turn them into a joke, making the words lose some of their power. Additionally, the marginalized group often uses them in a tongue-in-cheek way. I might jokingly refer to myself as a bitch when I know I’m behaving in a way considered inappropriate for women by society. 

    However, when a person in the dominant group uses that word without context or understanding, just because, “I can say what I want,” the word is being used in the awful, historical way – the dominant group person wants to use the hurtful word just cause they can, regardless of what it does. And it is that very sense of privilege that allowed the dominant group to abuse the marginalized group in the past.

    Post # 31
    9541 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2013

    Single girl with lots of gay/lesbian friends here.

    If that is the term she prefers, then I would respect her wishes and would not think she would be offended if you use it, so I would use it in conversation with her. The question about whether bees who see the term would be offended is trickier. Honestly, I think you’re more likely to offend straight bees who are being protective and LGBTQ bees will realize that this is a term of endearment. But for simpllicity’s sake it might be easier to just use “groomswoman” rather than have to explain each time that this is her self appointed title.

    Given the situation, this title would not be offensive to me, personally. It just seems that she is being more descriptive of who she is. Which is fine by me. That’s how she identifies and she’s using it proudly, so more power to her. Lots of terms have been seen as derogatory in the past but are now more acceptable – like queer – so I think this is just part of the natural progression of language.

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