(Closed) Is this overboard?????

posted 12 years ago in Waiting
  • poll: Talk to SO's sister to gently nudge him or not?

    Talk to sister

    Don't do it!

  • Post # 3
    2039 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: August 2010

    If I had done that to my Fiance, he would have gotten really upset and felt extremely pressured from all sides…not exactly the mood I want him to be in to get him to propose. I would have an honest discussion with him yourself about what his fears are and whether there’s anything you guys can do as a couple to make him feel more secure (couples counseling, etc.). If he has the ring, he obviously wants to marry you and I think it’s important to make him feel reassured and know that you want him to feel happy and ready to propose.

    Post # 4
    8375 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2009

    Well, if he’s had the ring for 2 years already, I’d be nervous about why he hasn’t proposed, despite the reasons. And I don’t like the idea of nudging him towards an engagement unless HE wants to do it himself. I’d be concenred that his financil reasons and hesitations wouldn’t necessarily disappear once you got engaged. I just don’t really like the idea of indirect manipulation. I like the idea of a sit-down discussion with your Fiance…not talking to his sister, who you hope talks to his parents, who you hope tlak to him.

    Post # 5
    150 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: May 2011

    To answer your question: I say Yes. It’s overboard. But i don’t know the whole situation. Like ejs said; I wonder why he has waited if he’s had the ring for 2 years………. I wouldn’t want the reason for my Fiance to propose to be because he was pressured into it before he was ready.

    Post # 6
    1001 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2010

    I don’t think you should do it.  It might kick you in the butt later, who’s to say someone won’t spill the beans about what you said!  this just might upset your SO and make you wait even longer!  My thought is, if he’s had the ring for 2 years already and hasn’t done it, do you think that maybe he’s really not ready?

    Post # 7
    1141 posts
    Bumble bee

    I think you can talk to the sister, but not to ask her to nudge him…if you 2 are close enough to talk about it.

    I could understand the financial reasons if he hadn’t bought the ring yet, but I’d be so upset if there was no proposal after 2 years! of having the ring!


    Post # 8
    8943 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2009

    I really don’t think you should go there.  Pushing a guy to propose will probably do the exact opposite.  I know that when I bothered my husband he just laughed and ignored me.  You should read Mr. Bee’s Three Step Plan to get engaged.  It’s the best!

    Post # 9
    697 posts
    Busy bee

    Haha, I’d thought about doing something like this, but I’m really not that close to his sister or mother, and they harass us/him about it anyway…

    I wouldn’t ask anyone else to apply pressure.  If anything, I might say “well I’m ready if he ever decides to go on with it”, but not a “well, I’d like him to do it, if you know what I mean… don’t mention we talked!”

    Post # 11
    606 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: April 2009

    Oh no!  Don’t do it!  When your bf proposes, I would imagine you would want it to be because he wants to and is ready…not because he feels pressured to do so from multiple sides.  If those are the circumstances under which he proposes you might always wonder if he really meant it–so I would let him come to it in his own time.  If you really want to talk to someone, talk to him!  Not in a nagging way, of course, but I’m sure you know that!  And I second MissAsB–Mr. Bee’s Plan is definitely a good approach!

    Post # 12
    6980 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: February 2011

    Don’t do it! If he has had the ring for 2 years and you’ve talked about it… there is nothing holding him back but him. pressure from his family can only hurt imo.

    Post # 13
    53 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: October 2010

    Yes overboard! I would be concerned if I knew that he had it for 2 years though, but would not push him or have anyone else do the “nudging” I would rather have it be natural and totally up to him and know that it was 100% his decision

    Post # 14
    317 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2010

    My fiance had prodding from his family. And when I say family, I mean the ENTIRE family- aunts, siblings, parents, cousins, neices and nephews (asking “When will she be my REAL aunt?”), grandparents– EVERYONE. I had nothing to do with it- I was happy to talk to them about getting engaged, etc, but didn’t ask or encourage them to prod. They were (mostly) gentle and good-natured about it, and it was all in good fun. He didn’t seem upset, and I wasn’t either (it was actually funny, most of the tme) However, it did not push him to propose any more quickly. He had his own timeline, and stuck to it.

    Your situation is different, since he’s had the ring for two years and still hasn’t proposed. Any clue as to his motives? Is there anything you can do to mitigate those fears (e.g. go over a budget to let him know you two can afford a wedding; let him know that a proposal now doesn’t have to mean a wedding next month, etc)? Does he know you’ve set a timeline? I’m not saying to give an ultimatum (that could make things worse), but have you expressed to him that it is really unfair to make you wait, and that you’re just not sure how long you can handle playing this waiting game- especially after a very generous 2 years? You probably have done all that, but good luck!

    Post # 15
    1114 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2011

    um…i think if you need to do any talking it should be to him…not his sister…if you are wondering about the two years ask him…

    Post # 16
    506 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: January 2008

    I don’t think you should bring his family into it– he’s a 45 year old man and can make his own decisions.  He’s not going to listen to mommy and daddy, you know?

    I’m sorry you’re having such a rough time of it- it must be difficult when you love someone so much, but are worried that things aren’t going to progress to the future that you see for yourself.  🙁  So frustrating!

    I think the only thing you can do is stick with your own timeline, and continue to pursue your own interests and independence.  If marrying within the next three years is important to you and is your top priority, you may have to just let him go and find a man who shares this goal with you. 

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