Is this petty?

posted 8 months ago in Etiquette
Post # 2
812 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

They asked WHAT ARE YOU GIFTING THEM??? Not, are you coming to my shower?? Sounds like you’ll be too tired to go to that baby shower, how unfortunate! Oops you were supposed to give them a gift for procreating? That slipped your mind because you were so busy with your wedding! What horrid, entitled people. Even if they had given you a gift, they shouldn’t be asking you, what are you getting me. Esp if they’re just work “friends.” You’re not Santa Claus!

Post # 3
2823 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

Petty? Maybe but it Doesn’t sound like you’re really even friends with them so I wouldn’t go. Personally I don’t enjoy baby showers and I’d only go to one for someone I considered a friend. And a friend wouldn’t bail on my party without even telling me.


Purmaid2019 :  

Post # 4
1109 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Are they usually very flakey?


Also, cannot believe they asked what you’re buying them. Who does that?!

Post # 5
8484 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Purmaid2019 :  I don’t think it’s petty. They don’t seem to value you as a friend – just a source of presents when it suits them. Decline the party and don’t send a gift. 

Post # 6
6717 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

Purmaid2019 :  they sound greedy. At the same time, an enagement party is nothing to a lot of people (myself included).  I don’t consider the two events at all comparable.  Are/were they invited to the wedding itself?  Did they attend?

That said, you don’t have to go and it doesn’t matter why. Being exhausted from a wedding is a good enough excuse to me!  I was completely worn out the day after mine and it was a really small wedding compared to the norm.  I’d probably given an inexpensive gift though, like some burp cloths or bath toys, but that’s just me.

Post # 7
3098 posts
Sugar bee

I agree that I don’t think engagement parties and showers are really comparable.  Did they come to your wedding shower?  Are they coming to your wedding?  

Post # 8
5857 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

Are you actually friends with these people or is it usually a strictly coworker relationship? Do you usually hang out and they flake?

I don’t think you can be upset that they didn’t give you a gift but it is really rude to say you’re attending something and then just not turn up. Were they invited to the wedding?

I can’t believe they asked you what you were giving them as a gift! 

Post # 10
91 posts
Worker bee

Purmaid2019 :  I SURE WOULDN’T GO! And I’d DARE them to be mad, too. Nope, not petty at all. Nothing to see here, folks.

*Sips tea*

Post # 11
1864 posts
Buzzing bee

Them: are you getting a gift?

You: Do you normally ask rude questions that are none of your business? ( walk away) 


i agree with another poster that I wouldn’t go to a shower or even an engagement party unless it was a close friend or family member. So just don’t go to the shower and know now that you guys aren’t close and that’s ok. 

Post # 12
8963 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Purmaid2019 : Can you help us understand the situation a little better please?

  1. Who asked what you’re bringing to the shower: the mom-to-be, or other co-workers who are attending?
  2. Is the shower a work shower with mainly work friends, or is it the “real” shower for her close friends and family?
  3. Did your invitations to the engagement party ask for RSVPs?
Post # 13
6861 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Engagement parties typically are not gift-giving events. Were they invited to your wedding?

They directly asked what gift you would give at the shower? Rude. It’s not a summons, you may decline.

Post # 14
4667 posts
Honey bee

I’ve never given anyone an engagement gift.  Not even at an engagement party (other than I may bring your standard hostess gift like a bottle of wine, but I do that even for dinner parties).  And I sure as hell don’t give gifts for parties I don’t attend.

So for starters, I think your expectation is unreasonable there.

As a PP asked, are they invited to the wedding?  Because I also do not attend engagement parties for weddings I’m not invited to nor would I give a gift.  I would give a wedding gift if invited and attending the wedding though or if invited to a shower, which by definition is a gift-giving event.

So this is apples and oranges.

Besides that, yes, you are being petty.  Life is not tit for tat.

Is this is work-organized shower or one organized by primarily work friends/colleagues?  At my work we routinely organize baby showers and go in on a group gift or small individual gifts.  We also discuss amongst ourselves what we’re giving because we don’t want to duplicate gifts or we’re feeling out who might want to go in on a gift together or get in on a group gift.  We do not do so for engagements.  Even if it wasn’t a “work shower” and they were inviting you as a friend and other non-work friends/family were attending, it would be petty.

If you don’t want to go, then don’t.  But stop basing it on your engagement party and base it on whether you actually care for the person and want to go and give a gift.  You aren’t really giving enough context to judge whether they are being rude though.  There are several scenarios where they were justified in their actions like I described above.


ETA:  It looks like from your post history you’re doing a destination wedding/elopment in another country.  I’m assuming your coworkers aren’t invited to it (but dismiss this ETA if they are).  In this case, you were actually rude to invite people to a pre-wedding party (i.e. your engagement party) who aren’t invited to the wedding, let alone expecting a gift and carrying a grudge about them not getting you a gift for it.  So yeah, this is definitely an apples and oranges situation and you are being petty.

Post # 15
852 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2019 - City, State

Not petty.  Just skip it.  No worries!

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