Is this really common among adopted families?

posted 3 years ago in Adoption & Surrogacy
Post # 31
253 posts
Helper bee

I live in Seattle and know a lot of adult adopted people. They are generally well adjusted regular people. I do know one guy who doesn’t talk to his mom…but sometimes that happens no matter who raises you. I would say that if you’re the type of person who is investigating and researching things this thouroughly you will probably be a very well intentioned parent and any kid would be lucky to have you as a parent.

Post # 32
9607 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

The only people I know who were adopted love their (adoptive) parents and are well-adjusted, normal people. 

I watched one adopted little girl grow up (adopted by good friends of my parents) and honestly she was the sweetest kid and now is a smart, beautiful, funny, and all around awesome-to-be-around girl.  Her older brother (biological child–was 9 or 10 when they adopted her, she was 2 or 3, they don’t know for sure) had a much harder time adjusting than she did.  I don’t know the extent of it, but I do know he threw wierd tantrums and said some pretty terrible things.  Not off the bat, but when he was in his angsty pre-teeny years and she was 5 or 6 and one of the most awesome kids I’ve ever met. (And I was a swimming instructor for quite a few years–I’ve met some pretty awesome kids).

Oh, and her father burned alive in their home and her bio mom died of a stomach ulcer.  She lived on the streets in a little village in nepal, living off of scraps, before her mom died and she was adopted.  When she was first adopted, they had to teach her how to chew and swallow and she couldn’t eat very much at a time.  They never hid any of this from her–I don’t know if she actually remembered any of it but when she was very little (5/6/7) she claimed she did.

But yeah.. like I said, she was an awesome kid to be around and still is a happy and vibrant human being.  I knew her from the time they took her home and babysat for her now and then as she grew up, now I am friends with her on FB.

The other people I know who are adopted are friends and colleagues who just so happen to not know their family medical history.  

I’m sure being adopted (or having an adopted child) means you have parent/child issues that other families don’t, and I’m sure some kids are tough and some parents are terrible at it.  But the same can be said about bio kids/parents.

Post # 33
4233 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2015 - Hotel Ballroom

I have two stories:

DH’s late Mother was adopted. Her parents adopted her as a baby because they wanted a second child but experienced second infertility. Her birth Mom was a teenage Mom. Her adoptive parents treated her like crap and heavily favoured their son because she wasn’t their ‘real’ daughter. They even covered up the fact their son was molesting her (they were MONSTERS)! Despite all that she never tried to ‘escape’ or tell them they weren’t her ‘real’ family. As an adult she DID meet her birth Mom and her two half sisters. She regarded them more as friends than family. 

I was friends with a girl in my teens who was adopted at the age of two by an older, childless couple. She was adopted from a Romanian orphanage. She DID talk a little bit about wanting to meet her birth parents. But she never got around to it. Her adoptive parents were ALWAYS her parents no questions asked. 

Post # 34
205 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2017 - Edson Keith Mansion

TwinkleBoss :  I don’t think you will find any court that will favor keeping a child in the system over having permanent a home. I work with cases where the children have been removed from their homes. Yes, reunification is essentially always the goal when we start cases, but the parents don’t have forever to change their ways and comply with their case plans. Foster care and realtive placements are important during that step of the process, and foster parents (the good ones) are absolutely wonderful and selfless people, but it can be so difficult being a foster parent. I imagine that living with and learning to love a child to then have them moved again would be awful.

Kids need permanency, and love, and a stable home. I can tell you that one of the purest forms of joy that I’ve found outside of my own family is watching adoptions be finalized and seeing kids go home with their forever homes.

I can tell you that by the time the court is looking at adoption, that means they’ve given the parents a lot of chances. That means the kids have given them a lot of chances. By the time “my kids” have been adopted, most of them have given up on their parents and don’t want to see them. If you’re really considering being a foster parent (or even an adoptive parent), you should try and volunteer with a group home or court program in your area. Guardian ad Litem/CASA both work really closely with a specific child (or siblings) and get to know them really well. My Fiance and I want to have biological children and adopt. 

Post # 35
66 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2019 - Hollins House, Pasatiempo Country Club

I’m adopted and it’s not true. My mother is my mother. She raised me, clothed me, and loved me from the very beginning. I do feel like I’m missing something but I know my life would be 10000% different and I would not have it any other way. 

Post # 36
127 posts
Blushing bee

As an adopted person, I have to say I am skeptical of what you’re reading. As long as you’re up front and honest and willing to answer any and all questions that they will inevitably have as they grow up, you’re not going to have a problem. Of course they will want to know more about their family, but that won’t make you any less their family. You can’t take that desire personally or go into an adoption hoping that won’t happen. That’s not fair to anyone in the situation.

Post # 37
14 posts
  • Wedding: May 2018

TwinkleBoss :  I am adopted. I have no desire to meet my biological family, but romanticized the idea of it when I was a teenager. My adoptive mom was abusive, so no, I don’t consider her my real mom. I don’t feel like I have a mom. Just foster parents or guardians, but every adoption is unique and different. I would say you need to be patient, nurturing, and flexible if you want to adopt. And willing to let that child blossom into who they are instead of a version of what you would like. My mom, for example, wanted me to run track and be a mini version of her. I hate running and I’m not like her in many ways… she even had my hair cut like hers when I was little (blech!). Don’t let the stories deter you if you really want to adopt. You sound like you have the right intentions and your heart is in the right place! If you have any questions, you can PM me.

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