Post # 1
So my Fiance and I live in a house with two of his friends. His two friends are not exactly the tidiest people in the world. One of them isn’t toooo bad, but still not clean, but the other is just a mess. My Fiance cleans becasue he knows I feel the need to live in a tidy house, but thats his only reason so he doesn’t clean much. I learned a long time ago that I cannot live in a clean house here – it’s too much to pick up after three people (my Fiance included) and try to stay sane – its just not fair to me. So I told Fiance this awhile ago, and that alll I want is our room to be my little sanctuary. I really do need a tidy space i can go to just to feel more at home and relaxed. As a result I have put all of my cleaning efforts into our room. I vacuum, I clean the bathroom top to bottom at least once a week, I dust, I wash baseboards – the whole nine yards. Now, all that I ask Fiance to do is not leave his clothes on the floor (I don’t care what he does with them – he can bunch them up in his closet if he wants just not on the floor), and if he is the last one out of bed, to make the bed. That;s it. Yet I have come home four days this week to find clothes on the floor and a messy bed. What is Fiance doing? Sitting upstairs playing Skyrim. Once, I texted him to say I’m coming home from work a bit early and he texted back saying sorry, but the beds not made. I figured “ok fine, he’s probably not home right now to make it. its too bad but I;’ll make it when I get home”. I got home, and there he was. Playing Skyrim. He couldn’t even pause it for five minutes to run down and make the bed. It’s not that I hate making the bed, but it’s the principle of the matter! He knows how much it means to me.
Am I really asking too much of him? I just came home now to another messy room and I’m just fed up right now. I don’t want to talk to him yet til I calm down some so please talk some sense into me! I’m usually a really laid back person but this has just been getting on my nerves lately and I just reached my breaking point.
Post # 3
disconnects like that can be hard. Does he know how upset you are?
Post # 4
Maybe you should have a talk with him and tell you how you feel. A lot of guys just don’t understand why things like not putting clothes on the floor are so important to us. Or, like in my FI’s case, he just wasn’t aware of what he was doing due to absent-mindedness. After I reminded him a few times and talked to him about why it was important to me, he finally started putting his clothes in a hamper.
Post # 5
Don’t freak out on him! That is what some guys will expect yu to do and what makes it worse is when you freak out he will feel pressured to do the bed and not leave the clothes on the floor and will begin to become iritated by you for the simplest things. So, just when he comes home look just a little upset, and when he asks you what’s wrong tell him that this is the one thing you wanted him to do and that all you want is some help. It must be hard enough living with three guys, but all three guys need to realize you arent one! they need to start picking their weight around the house more as well. But it’s not too much for you to ask! You’re being reasonable, just talk to him but don’t freak out.
Post # 6
@adnama: I wish I knew what to say to get him to tidy up. I gave up cleaning/picking up this week because Fiance just doesn’t know how to keep anything clean. He does help around with other things, but cleaning up after himself is like pulling teeth. It frustrates the hell out of me.
Post # 7
Well he just came home and we had a big discussion. He said that he thought as long as he cleaned things up before I came home it would be okay, and that I had just been coming home too early. I was obviously upset, but he apologized and said he would start trying to pick up after himself right away in the future. I sure hope so anyways. But he was pretty cool about the whole thing. 🙂 Still upset, but on the mend
Post # 7
That’s a difficult situation. Do you have a hamper for his clothing? It can be hard for messier people to understand that some of us need a tidy sanctuary; it’s pretty soothing to come home to a clean space.
You are asking him to do something for you, so it’s possible he’s wondering what the big deal is when he doesn’t since it’s not like he HAS to. Have you tried asking him if there’s anything that would make it easier for him to keep things tidy? Or have you offered to do something that makes his life easier in exchange for him doing something to make your life easier?
You’re not asking too much of him. When we start families with people, we learn to do things for eachother. It’s one of the benefits. It’s just important to keep in mind that we all have enough on our plates taking care of ourselves; it’s hard to get motivated to take care of other people.
Post # 8
@HappierKate: Thanks for the suggestions 🙂 We do have a hamper (and he dumps his clothes right in front of it which is what raelly gets me). But I will ask him if there are certain things he’d like me to do for him.
Post # 9
You like things cleaner than he does. Either put up with it or clean it up yourself. No matter how upset you get, he will never care about making the bed and picking up his clothes. You can’t change him and fussing over this will do nothing but put stress on both of you and your relationship. Think about it this way–it’s way more work to get mad at him about not making the bed and putting his clothes away than it is for you to just do it yourself. You’d be making the bed and putting clothes away if you lived alone, why bother about doing it when you live together?
Post # 10
hmm, hard, Is it crazy to say : ” this is important to me” and to expect that to be enough? I use it sparingly, as does Fi, but it really means something. I want to say dont freak out on him, but I like things SUPER clean and we have 5 indoor pets. I ended up crying while i was cleaning and he took the hint. We split chores now:)