(Closed) Is this rude?

posted 3 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 16
Member
2141 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

yeah I dont see how its rude to invite someone to a party, feed them, water them, entertain them etc… americans get really hung up on the ‘seeing the ACTUAL wedding’ as in the ‘LEGAL moment’ thing and its really not that common in the UK and I think europe to (as the ACTUAL LEGAL wedding is just paperwork and laws are stricter so quite often its done before or after – ive never heard of someone upset not to personally see someone sign a contract, I mean you dont invite friends to view you sign any other paperwork)

Post # 18
Member
2244 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
rusticchic212 :  They still got married. You didn’t see it, but they did. Give them a check the same as you would any other newly married couple, if you’re comfortable with that. 

It sounds like they’re having a regular party, so act as you would at any other one like it. Cocktails, good food, good dancing, and a nice atmosphere — that sounds like a nice way to spend an evening.

Congratulating them and having a good time are all you have to do.

Post # 19
Member
483 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

I have to wonder…maybe the invitation’s date was wrong :/ or perhaps they moved the date (for some personal issue) and forgot to let you know.

Anyway you can check those photos and see if they match your invitation’s place and theme (appetizers)?

Post # 20
Member
1692 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
rusticchic212 :  Standard etiquette requires that gifts be driven by the closeness of your relationship with the recipient, and never associated with your expectations of receiving anything back, whether those are expectations of food or entertainment, reciprocal gifts, or political favours. Giving based on what you might be getting risks turning a lovely social event into a tawdry commercial transaction. Of course, standard etiquette also dictates that “a gift must be valuable for something other than its mere cost” which is impossible with a gift of a cheque; otherwise I would advise that you give exactly the same as what you would have given if you were being invited to dinner.

Post # 21
Member
12814 posts
Honey Beekeeper

Small weddings and larger receptions can be acceptable. For example,  a delayed reception is fine. Many family churches are small, or the couple might want an intimate, immediate family only wedding for whatever reason.  What I think it is less than gracious is when the wedding itself is medium to large in size, meaning there is an A and B group. And if they are asking people to travel in for this weekend, I would also consider that less than hospitable. 

For a reception  that is a social occasion  only “pleasure of your company” would have been the preferred wording.  Honor of your presence usually implies a ceremony in a place of worship. But the reference to the “celebration” of the wedding or the marriage rather than to the marriage or the wedding itself should have given you the clue that you were not being invited to the wedding itself. 

What was rude IMO,  if there was a also a full reception yesterday, is for people to post the photos of a party to which others were not invited. 

Post # 23
Member
12814 posts
Honey Beekeeper

View original reply
rusticchic212 :  The only guidelines for a wedding gift are your budget and the closeness of your relationship. 

Post # 24
Member
972 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I would never had understood that invitation wording to imply anything different than another tradtitinal wedding invite! So I’d have been surprised too and personally – I would feel like there was something misleading about it…but while disappointed about not being part of the actual wedding occasion, I’d still be happy to celebrate with friends. 

I think it could have been a little more clear or they could have explained at some point  in person (which is what I would have done). I think this could have potentially felt a little more intentional and even gift grabby if they’d also included registry info and all that…but since they didn’t register anywhere, I really think it’s just meant to be a big party and I would go and enjoy. You won’t be the only guests that are caught off guard so if you can be nice and not make a comment about the misunderstanding, I’m sure the bride and groom will appreciate a positive attitude and good wishes. Because I can already promise you some people aren’t going to have caught on before arrival and there’s bound to be one or two crankypants…

I’d also do the check you would have given. Just because you didn’t go to the ceremony doesn’t mean a wedding gift is inappropriate. I’d still want to give friends a gift…

Post # 27
Member
2107 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

View original reply
rusticchic212 :  I’m in the UK and as has already been stated that this type of event is common here, although usually on the same day. The wording used of celebrating the marriage of is standard wording to use for an evening invite (the bigger reception here). I understand that it’s something you’ve never come across before I don’t think the couple deliberately misled you.

In the UK it’s generally accepted that weddings are expensive and you can’t invite everyone you would possibly like to invite. In the US there seem to be so many rules that you have to follow. The reception is the thank you for people attending your ceremony. It always sounds like attending the ceremony is a hardship in the US and therefore you need to be thanked for giving up your time by receiving dinner and if you don’t it’s rude. But here this couple hasn’t forced you to give up your time and is still serving appetisers and cocktails for you but this is still rude?

The way you treat this evening is to go out and have fun. You’re celebrating someone’s marriage. You’ve got a chance to dress up nice, spend a night with your Darling Husband and catch up with some friends while wishing a couple all the best for the future. If you don’t want to give the same amount you would give if you had attended the ceremony, then don’t. If you don’t want to give a gift, then don’t. We had some evening guests who didn’t give gifts and it’s generally expected that people will not give as much for the evening.

Post # 29
Member
7897 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I don’t think it’s right to make any guest feel like they’re second tier. I would attend tonight with an open mind, but keep us posted about how the event goes!

Post # 30
Member
590 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2017 - Nepal

I would have also thought from the invitation that I was attending their wedding. I wonder how many people will show up, shocked to find out their wedding already happened?

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