(Closed) Is this rude of me?

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
2553 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@MissHarleyBlue:  I don’t know if rude is the right word, it’s certaily not a great idea for you in the long run though.  You can be the bigger man so to speak and extend the olive branch, or you can escalate the negativity in the relationship.  Be careful though, an arms race of bitchy behavior is not something you want to engage in with your Future Mother-In-Law, she’s not going anywhere and she probably has access to a heck of a lot more ammunition 😉  Good luck!!

Post # 18
Member
120 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Look, things like this are going to come up when you are joining families through marriage. From your update it sounds like your Fiance needs to be communicating with you better about these things, but that is an issue to discuss with him and you can’t put it on his mother that he isn’t telling you what’s going on. You are still going to be having your first holiday in your new house, it is just that it will be more than just the two of you. I really do think that if you say no to her coming, you will be damaging your future relationship with FI’s mother and with him, because whatever her faults are, that is his mother. She’s not going anywhere. Inviting her for the holidays is a great way to get closer to her and try to get past some of the issues you have with her. It is short-sighted not to include her. 

Post # 19
Member
7646 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

@MissHarleyBlue:  Oh mylanta…well you have two options. Either you make nice and let her come, which is a a good idea since she is your Future Mother-In-Law OR you pretty much put your foot down and tell your Fiance that his mother isn’t coming and he is staying home for Thanksgiving. If you go with the last option I wish you good luck. She is still his mom and he shouldn’t have to choose between you two because you guys are too immature to get along for a dang holiday meal all because she never properly invited you.

Post # 20
Member
4430 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I have been with my husband for 7 years, just recently married…..I’ve done Holidays at his parents house WITHOUT INVITE every year.  There is no need to get an invite, I’ll obviously be there!

Post # 21
Member
547 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

You know your situation better than all of us who are replying to you. You didn’t give much more info about your relationship, so it’s hard to say. But would it just be your Fiance, you, and his mother? That’s it? And it sounds like she’s not all that friendly to you. IDK, honestly, if I had a terrible relationship with my Future Mother-In-Law and I’d have to spend Thanksiving with just her and my FI? Yeah, no thanks.

And besides that, If you already told your family that it was just going to be a Thanksigivng with the two of you, why should your Future Mother-In-Law barge her way in regardless of your relationship with her? You’ve already told one side of the familes not to come, I think that should apply to your Future Mother-In-Law as well. Just have your Fiance tell her that your family also isn’t coming because you want to have the opportunity to spend Thanksgiving with just the two of you, and you’d like it to remain that way.

Post # 23
Member
1022 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

I’m on the mindframe that just because they are blood does NOT make them family. So often I read about people suffering thru a multitude of issues and drama all for the sake of “family”. SMDH. I feel if these people want to be family then they should act like it. Just because this woman is going to be your Mother-In-Law does not mean that you have to kiss ass and suck toe.

 

I also dont feel you should invite her if you dont want her there. Why deal with drama, hostility, negativity, awkwardness during what is supposed to be a peaceful time? I think you should do what will bring you the most peace during this time and if that doesnt include your Future Mother-In-Law, then it doesnt.

Post # 24
Member
1299 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

You should be the bigger person and invite her.  I’ve also never been invited to a holiday at my FIL’s house, but my family has extended the invitation to them a few times.  They never accepted and my Fiance (then boyfriend) and I would spend the holidays separately. This year I made it clear to my Fiance that since this is our first holiday as an engaged couple, it is very important to me that we spend it together.  His whole family is coming to my parents’ house.  I agreed that we could spend Christmas at FI’s parents’ home.  I was never technically invited, but Fiance basically just told his mom I was coming.  She was surprised, but now that we’re engaged we’re a package deal.

Your Future Mother-In-Law sounds kind of like mine: too attached to her son and needs to cut to cord.  Fiance and I have been working together to get his mom to understand that he is an adult and starting his own family with me.  She also sends my Fiance texts that I think are kind of inappropraite – telling him how much she loves him, tons of xoxoxo, and her nickname for him is “handsome.”  It’s totally awkward.

Post # 25
Member
1299 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

@MissHarleyBlue:  Are you happy with that solution? It kind of sounds like your Future Mother-In-Law is just getting her way by having her son come without you.

Post # 26
Member
754 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@MissHarleyBlue:  I do not think its rude. You had a plan that didn’t include family ( who hasn’t included you) and it is ok to keep your plans. Now Fiance telling her ” we really wanted to have a couple tgiving this year but we’ ll visit night before/after” would be nicer than saying ” she said no you cannot come”. You are adults and allowed to have prior plans.

Post # 27
Member
1460 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Sounds like the problem really stems from your Fiance not his mom. 

Post # 28
Member
2066 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@MissHarleyBlue:  that doesn’t sound like a solution to me. why dont’ you host thanksgiving in your new house with BOTH of your families? That’s what we did this year (canadian) and it worked out great.

Post # 30
Member
617 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I thought his mom had no where to go? Which I’m assuming she was going to be alone for thanksgiving. So if now, Fiance is going to his mom’s, does that mean they will be spending it alone, just the two of them? 

Even if you weren’t verbally, formally invited, I think you should’ve made the effort to show up anyways. Go to your family’s house first and then when your Fiance is done with work, tell him to let you know so you can meet him at his family’s house. How would you know if they want you there or not, unless you try. And I’m a little disappointed that your Fiance doesn’t make the effort to include more in his family dinner. Doesn’t sound like being a equal strong partner to make sure you’re happy and spend time with you for the holidays. 

Post # 31
Member
2255 posts
Buzzing bee

I’d suck it up and let her come. You always want to come out smelling like a rose. This way, she can never use it against you. However, I’m more concerned that you said their texts sounds like boyfriend and girlfriend—ewww, gross!

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