Is this rude? Save the date etiquette

posted 3 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 2
4904 posts
Honey bee

Yes, that would be rude.  A save the date is the promise of an invitation – not the invitation itself.  Don’t hassle people to commit 10 months in advance – you’re basically asking people to RSVP to your party nearly a full year in advance.  If they know right off the bat, they’ll likely volunteer the information without prompting from you.  But lots of people have plans change (either not being able to and then finding out they can make it or thinking they can make it and then discovering it won’t be feasible) or they simply don’t know their plans that far in advance.  

Guestlist cuts are just a part of party-planning.

Post # 3
7977 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

This seems like a weird sort of B-listing, and yes, it’s pretty dang rude. It’s also not a great option because so much can change! This is going to give you more of a headache because you’re going to be giving 200 people invitations but can only accomodate 150. It’s bad planning. 

So say you send auntie mary and uncle joe an STD and they get back to you a bit later as “Not sure we’ll be able to make it, have so much fun!”. Do you take this as a no? Do you clarify one year ahead of time that they will not be able to come? What about when they realize the vacation they were planning won’t be happening as planned, so they call you and say how they are SO excited their plans changed and they are able to make it? But oh shit, you already gave away their seats to Sally and John. 

If they aren’t important to you, just don’t invite them. That goes for family, or butt filling B lists. 

Post # 4
108 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Send your invites out 10 weeks ahead with an RSVP 6-7 weeks prior. Have a stand-by list of attendees ready with addresses, etc. This will give you time to get your reserve list of guest invitations out.

Get some relatives to “sound out” those in TX as to whether they plan to travel or not.

Post # 8
47423 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999


View original reply
futurefritz2019 :  Even if someone messages you a firm no, you still have to send them an invitation . Things change in the months following the receipt of an STD. Some people may be able to attend after all.

Where I live, B listing is rude, no matter what timeline you follow.

Post # 9
1496 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - Location

Yes, it’s rude. 

You can’t B-list people. Find room in the budget to accommodate everyone you want (probably won’t get 100% attendance anyway). Maybe you can find out a rough idea of numbers before through word of mouth but don’t depend on that with certainty.

Post # 10
1148 posts
Bumble bee

Yes whoever is on the backup list are “B list” and you’ll bet they know it. My fiancé mentioned a couple of people he regret not having sent the invite to, but it’s now too late because the invite has a RSVP date and we’re very close to it so people who get it now will instantly know they’re on the B list. Also if there are people getting an invite the first round in the same friend group / talk to each other with the B list people, again they’ll know some friends have got their invites way before they did, and that’s pretty rude.

In saying that, if you really want to have a B list, just make sure you send the invite to them with plenty of RSVP time and that they don’t know others who are on the A list lol..

Post # 11
2246 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

Send the save the dates only to the people who you couldn’t imagine not at your wedding. Send the rest just an invite 2 months out. Friends and relationships could change. You don’t want to send a save the date and then not be friends with them any longer but feel obligated to invite them 🙂

Post # 12
9276 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

View original reply
futurefritz2019 :  But firm no’s can change. We had a destination wedding and sent save the dates out a year in advance. Quite a few aunts and uncles on my dad’s side let us know that they would be a no when the save the dates went out. Well four months before our wedding one of my uncle’s passed suddenly and at the funeral all the aunts and uncles who had previously been a no asked us if it was too late to change to a yes. They said they all realised you only live once. Luckily we were going on rsvp no’s and not save the date yes/no’s for final numbers.


Post # 13
185 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2019 - Mountains

I’m in this situation too but I have a b-list cut off date. We just sent out STDCs last week. I did not ask for regrets on the STDCs but it wouldn’t surprise me if some relatives let me know in the next few weeks that they will not attend. If that’s the case then we have 2 couples we will invite (we have limited seating at our reception venue). However if by the end of next month we have no indications of enough regrets then those b-list folks do not get an invite. Simple.

However, I do disagree with a PP about sending an invite. I read on some etiquette site that IF a guests declines after receiving a STDC then they shouldn’t be sent an invitation unless they request one for posterity reasons because it could appear you are trying to solicit gifts. Just my 2 cents.

Post # 14
1507 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2019

Hmmm I am in a similar situation. 

We are sending STDs to everyone we intend to invite with hopes that some won’t be able to make it because we have a few people we B-listed because of family. While we can afford more people and have the space, we don’t necessarly want to blow it either. 


View original reply
MrsMiller23 :  is 10 weeks too soon? I like this idea but it makes me nervous people will change their mind regardless of RSVP dates

Post # 15
1425 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2021

I wouldn’t send save the dates that far in advance, my fiancée’s uncle sent his save the dates a year in advance and by the time we got the invite we had forgotten about the save the date and double booked with a festival 🙈 It was 100% our fault, but I think if we had received the save the dates closer to the wedding we wouldn’t have forgot the date. 

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