Post # 1
Firstly I need to say, my fiance got a new job recently and has to be there for training. So we will not be taking a honeymoon right after the wedding. We get married on a Friday evening, are having a dinner with his closest family members the next day (a cultural tradition of his family), and then have sunday to ourselves before he goes to work monday. I am totally okay with all of these things.
My problem: Fiance has a couple friends coming out of town to be at the wedding. I heard him on the phone tonight tell one of the friends that we can hang out the weekend after the wedding because “we are just having dinner with family saturday but not anything else going on”. Um excuse me? I was really looking forward to spending time alone with him during the weekend :/
I get that his friends are coming from a ways away and he wants to see them, but I think it’s important we spend time by ourselves during the first couple nights we can…. I mean that’s normal. We aren’t living together till we marry or being physically intimate and I was really looking forward to just being with him. PLUS our work hours with his new job is causing us to go onto opposite schedules (I go to work before he gets home, he is getting ready for bed as I am getting off work) so it will literally be the only guaranteed time off together we will have for a month till the training is over. I am also an introvert and deal with some social anxiety, so I know I will need some time away from other people right after the big day of being in front of a crowd and the normal stresses of weddings. My fiance is more extroverted and never gets tired of being around friends, so I get why he wouldn’t think of this, and maybe he doesn’t want to ignore friends he never gets to see.
So am I being selfish in not wanting to hang out with his friends the weekend after the wedding? I’m honestly hurt that he wouldn’t want to spend time alone right after with everything that is going on. (FI doesn’t know I heard him say that, I was in the bathroom and heard it through the door.) I just want to make sure I am not being selfish or overreacting before I talk to him about wanting alone time.
Post # 2
I don’t think it matters one bit what anyone else thinks about this, it matters to you, so talk to your Fiance.
Seriously if 20 women on here say you’re silly for caring is that going to make you care any less? You’re entitled to your emotions. And hiding them from the guy you’re going to marry is never a good idea. Good luck!
Post # 3
Ouch, honestly, I would be really, really hurt. Especially since he didn’t consult you before making plans. 🙁
Post # 4
You’re being quite understandable. Have a chat to him about all this and I sure hope he’d postpone things with the friends.
Post # 5
lelly7 : I think it’s totally understandable. We lived together for almost two years before we got married and I still said a big “hell no” to making plans with people the weekend following our wedding. If anything, I’d consider inviting out of town friends to the dinner with family (kind of like you might a rehearsal dinner) but for sure Saturday post dinner through Monday morning should be all yours. And Even Saturday day…. you will likely have just had sex for the first time Friday night or Saturday morning. Are you really going to want to get out of bed and go hang out with people? Tell your Fiance you were looking forward to being naked most of the weekend. I’m sure he’ll get over hanging out with buddies.
Post # 6
Definitely would be hurt. Hurt, pissed, upset, confused… the works. You need to talk to him and ask him what his deal is bee, that seems so obvious that he should make time for the two of you, but guys are clueless a lot of the time
Post # 7
When do they arrive? Can he hang out with them before the wedding? If not I would probably plan for Sunday lunch with them but that’s it. It sucks, but they are travelling …
Post # 8
lelly7 : I feel you. But you need to speak to your Fiance about this. You know how men can be sometimes, you might explain it to him and he may be like “Duh oh sorry sweetie, of course!”
Post # 9
I don’t think your feelings are unreasonable at all, but it shouldn’t be too hard to compromise here. Talk to him about it!
However, this is the point where your FH needs to learn to say “Let me talk to my wife about our plans first and I’ll get back to you.” It’s not just his time anymore to spend.
Post # 10
This is a tough one, I would feel the exact same way OP. How far from Out of Town are we talking here? An hour or two drive? Or cross country/international? If it’s the latter, you might have to give in. If it’s the first one, forget it! Tell your man to take a road trip for a weekend in a month or two, and properly catch up with them then.
Post # 11
I think what pushes it over the edge is the fact that you aren’t living together or being intimate until the wedding…until I read that I was thinking well there’s always next weekend, it’s not like anything will be that differ–woah nevermind!
I can see where he is coming from for sure, these friends are from out of town and will be traveling there for you guys so it makes sense he would want to see them again before they leave, especially since he won’t be able to really hang with them at the wedding since he will be busy with a lot of different people, but because of your circumstances I definitely agree that that weekend should be all about you guys being alone…and naked!
Post # 12
lelly7 : Talk to him. Honestly, less than 48 hours after getting married, you should be spending time with your new wife, not your buddies. That would not fly with me, and my Fiance knows that.
Post # 13
lelly7 : I think I know exactly what you’re dealing with. My husband is much more extroverted than I am and never wants to disappoint his friends or make them think he’s blowing them off. I heard him mention (multiple times) in passing about things that he/we might do after the wedding. And at first it hurt my feelings that he would even entertain spending our wedding night with anyone besides me. But I realized that (1) keeping the party going long after the ceremony is over is very common in his culture and social circle and (2) a wedding is both a sacred ritual followed by our first opportunity to be intimate AND a huge party. I prioritized the first part while he was more into the latter. I honestly just made it very clear to him that I wish to spend our wedding night alone and I also spread the word among our attendees that we need to be left alone. He seemed to understand where I was coming from, but if I hadn’t insisted upon it, it’s not something that would have occurred to him naturally. Perhaps your Fiance is of a similar mindset. No sense hurting in silence; may as well make your feelings very clear and take it from there.
The same issue came up again when we had our at-home reception a few days later. After the reception, his friends came up and told him–right in front of me–that they were taking him to a club later that night. I saw this coming and told my husband in advance that I want us to be alone together after the reception, but I didn’t spread the word to guests because I didn’t know his hometown folks well. Well I told the friends that we’d already agreed to spend the night alone together as it was technically our honeymoon and they actually argued with me (in a friendly way like “ohhh come onn, don’t be like that! etc” and told me that it was their last night with him. Uhh no. It’s not YOUR anything with MY husband on our wedding night. You should have thrown him a bachelor party if it was that serious. I digress. To me, it’s a total no-brainer that spending time with your new spouse during your wedding weekend takes precedence over socializing with anyone else. But that doesn’t mean everyone sees it that way. Even though the same logic worked a couple days earlier, it was very hard for him to turn down clubbing with his friends that night in the face of all their insisting.
Post # 14
I’m kind of split down the middle on this. First and foremost, yes, you have every right to be upset and regardless of what the “right” response is, your soon to be Darling Husband should have asked you first. That’s just the courteous thing to do.
As far as the friends go…since your honeymoon is essentially what is left of your weekend, I would be a little upset too. We had to do that with our wedding–although we were the out of town folks, as we lived 7 hrs from our hometown so we got Saturday night, Sunday, and the 7hr drive home on Monday–and I would have been so frustrated if Darling Husband had scheduled plans without asking me.
HOWEVER: depending on how far folks have travelled for your wedding, it might be worth a degree of consideration. I’m not saying spend the whole weekend, but if they’ve travelled several hours, I might consider doing lunch on Sunday or something. Nothing all day, but just spending some time with them. Or as PP mentioned, inviting them to the Saturday dinner if that’s possible. If they just came from like an hour away I’d respectfully decline.
At the end of the day, you have to be comfortable with things and your Fiance should have asked you first. I think you are well within reasonable reactions to say, “FI, I know your friends will be in town the weekend of our wedding, but since that’s really our only time together for at least a month after, I’d really like to spend that time with you and I wish you would have asked how I felt before making plans.”
Post # 15
jennmariee : I agree that it doesn’t matter what anyone else things. this is a decision that should be between you and your husband to be- Best to talk to him and work it out. For what it’s worth, If I was one of the friends I probably would have asked if he and or both of you were available since everyone is different in plans during a after wedding weekend, but If I was just no I wouldn’t question it at all! a lot of my family has always had after parties during the following weekend, so social engagements were common until they took honeymoon a few days later. But not everyone does that, so all should respect your wishes! Good luck! edit for retype