(Closed) Is this selfish of me (weekend after wedding)?

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 16
Member
15144 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Personally, I wouldn’t mind, but you’re not me and you feel what you do.  If his friends are coming from far and they dont see each other often, I can see why he would want to see them, even if it’s right after being married… logistically, it makes sense.  And even if you do have opposite schedules for a month you will essentiall be starting married life “together” and after that money all will be “normal” and you will get to spend more time together.  You will always be there, everyday living with him, whereas, who knows when he’ll get to see the friends again, months? years? 

Post # 17
Member
2176 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

only you can decide that but for me I would have been pretty devestated to not spend some time with the people who came to celebrate my wedding with me. DH and I have years and years and years to sit around together but for some of the ppl at my wedding I probably won’t see them all in one room again ever.

I think that some PP had the right idea with how far at they traveling? if this crew all lives 20 min away then I think it is less of a big deal but if they are all spread out around the world and won’t have many chances to get together again then I would want to find a way to make it work

Post # 18
Member
189 posts
Blushing bee

No, I wouldn’t call it selfish.  It’s how you feel. Coming from a culture that celebrates weddings for days, I completely understand. Weddings are like a family reunion in my family and sometimes it can indeed go on for days with friends and family. In my culture, the men typically bond after the wedding and drink, eat and tell tales. It’s sort of welcoming him to the “husband club”, lol. It is a very important step for a new husband. I don’t know your fiance’s culture is, but could this be an important step for him to be able to spend time with his friends in this way? Talk to him about a compromise so that you both can be happy.  Exploring other facets of wedding traditions could be fun and he won’t regret missing out. He’ll get the chance to see friends he doesnt see often, you still get your wedding night, and you both get years of great stories to share about the wedding weekend for years to come. 

Post # 19
Member
9524 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

in my husbands circle of friends, the guys (including the groom) get together after the reception is over to smoke cigars and drink some bourbon.  the groom usually stays an hour or so.

people traveled to see the bride and groom.  if these friends traveled that far.  let them see him for a set amount of time.  then you have the rest of your life with him.

 

for me, it wasn’t that big of a deal.  i invited my girls back to the honeymoon suite to hang out until my husband got back.

 

 

BUT if this bothers you.  YOU need to tell your husband and come to an arangement that the two of you are happy with.

Post # 20
Member
211 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

This wouldn’t fly with me at all, and I’d be making damn sure my husband spent his wedding weekend with me instead of his buddies. To me, having to spend time with family the next day would be imposition enough and I wouldn’t be too thrilled about it, but no way would he be hanging with his boys on top of it. 

 

Post # 21
Member
6397 posts
Bee Keeper

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lelly7 :  It wouldn’t really matter to me…but that’s because that’s how I am.  My husband and I got a JOP wedding and we haven’t had a honeymoon and it’s been 3 years.  So I’m not the best judge on it.

But you are more entitled to your feelings.  Talk to him and see if he can understand your point of view. 

Post # 22
Member
200 posts
Helper bee

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nordiclight :  I thought the same!  Something tells me he won’t want to deal with plans with anyone else by the time it rolls around anyway. 🙂

Post # 23
Member
7352 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

I think just as your feelings are valid, so are those of your husband. I think there can certainly be some compromise here. Like maybe having a brunch or mid-day gathering with friends, but making sure you’re getting the rest of the day to spend together. The way I’m reading it is that you’ll have all day Saturday until family dinner?

I guess I just don’t see the big deal becuase I look at it like you’ve got a whole timetime together ahead of you. Plus, I can totally get where he’s coming from if friends are traveling in that you hardly get to see – because wedding days are so hectic you honestly don’t get much time to visit with people.

We were married on a Saturday. Sunday mid-morning we had several friends stop by and we all hung outside snacking on wedding leftovers. That night we had both our families over for dinner, as well as some of our out of town friends come too. Sure we could have easily kept it to just family but we wanted to see those friends who made the effort to come from far away.

Post # 24
Member
3899 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

View original reply
lelly7 :  you are absolutely definately NOT being selfish. This is your first weekend as a married couple who has not lived together or even been intimate! Im sure there will be other times he can hang out with his out of town friends but you will never have another 1st weekend after you’re married time unless tou get married  again. 

Post # 26
Member
433 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

View original reply
lelly7 :  All of my BFFs came from different states. We had a Friday wedding, spent all of saturday with them until we had to leave to go to the airport for our honeymoon. You get to see him daily let him have some time with his friends that he never sees. I’m assuming you will be spending time together while he’s with his friends right?

Post # 27
Member
468 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

He definitely should have brought it up but my husband and I when we first got married had faux paus in which we agreed to do something without bringing it up with the other… sometimes it slips!  Now if it’s EVERY … SINGLE … TIME … and it doesn’t change then it’s an issue but I find it normal when people join together at first.

It’s out of town friends.  You have the rest of your life with him.  When he finishes training you’ll have a lot of time together.  We spent the week before and after the wedding with family and friends from out of town and out of the country every chance we got.

I’d suggest to bring up sharing with you before he makes plans in the future which do or could impact you and go enjoy time meeting and spending time with his friends.

Now I totally understand the social anxiety bit as I have family with social anxiety.  YOU don’t have to go, but don’t make him miss time with his friends because you don’t want to go.  Let him know you need decompress time and to go enjoy time with his friends.

You have the rest of your life with him.

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