Post # 1
Hey there everyone,
I’m marrying the love of my life in august. But as much as I love my fiancee and enjoy the life we have built together, i HATE my engagement story. We’ve been engaged for 4 months now and I still didn’t ger over it. I want to share it with you, because I’m interested in anyones opinion on how to get this behind me …
So, my fiance was married 10 years ago. Then he got a divorce, but his ex wife kept his surname and they stayed friends, which bothered me a lot. During these 2 years we’ve been together he stopped being friend with her because he realised how disrespectful it is towards me. Also, I made it very clear that I don’t want to get married untill he asks her to change her name back. It just feels wrong to me to be one of the 2 women who have his surname after him.
So then he decided to propose … He got me his greatgrandmothers diamond and made my georgeus ring with it. He proposed home just before we got on a trip to a 5* wellness resort for the weekend. It was planned nicely and I am really grateful for that. I was super happy and excited, but then …
But then we got into an argument, because he indeed asked his ex to return the surname but the manipulative egoist of a woman said, she will change it if he REALLY want it and he just left it at that. So in the car I said it really means a lot to me so I would REALLY want him to tell her to do it. He didn’t want to (because he was affraid of what her reaction might be) and said he doesn’t get what my problem is. And then the arguing started … He called me selfish and said that in case I ever meet his ex anywhere I have to promise to be nice to her etc. The whole car ride was terrible and we arrived angry ( I almost yelled at the receptionist and still feel ashamed). So we spent the whole weekend at this luxurious resort part time arguing in a civil manner and part time me sucking it up so we could have at least some nice memories.
Later on we straightened it out and he did understand me and he asked to return the surname 3 times and of course it became clear what she meant by “I’ll change it if you really want me to”: NO I WON’T. He eventually became angry at her and ended all contact. I feel relived because he realised I’m not the bad guy.
But even tough we sorted things out and connected in a very good way, the bitterness stays. I cried 3 times only writing this story right now. I absolutely hate the engagement story, because it makes me cry every time I remember it. And every time my friends post a photo on social media from the resort we went to for our engagement, I feel so much sorrow in my heart.
I’ve told him that a few weeks ago and he is planning on doing a repair engagement thing in 10 days. Honestly, I’m grateful, but I’m so not looking forward to it. What should I do? And also, how should I get ovet the initial engagement story?
Post # 2
My fiancée had a few drinks and proposed, as he always does when he’s had a few. And as I always do – I told him to ask again when he was sober. That time, he did. He woke up and asked me again, so I said yes. Hardly the most romantic, but hey we’re getting married so that’s what’s important.
I do not not understand why you are making him/going along with a do-over. It won’t make you any more engaged and it won’t be the story of how you got engaged.
Finally, what’s with the name thing? She didn’t borrow his name, it became her name. It’s hers. Not his. She can change it when / if she wants to, he has no place asking her to do anything. You might find it uncomfortable, but it’s her legal name.
Post # 3
What is it about the ex using his last name that unsettles you so much? It’s quite common. Changing your name is a big hassle & she probably doesn’t feel like doing it for him as a “favor”. Do they have kids together?
Can you work on letting go of his ex & focusing on marrying your wonderful FI? He must be very sweet & sensitive to be willing to redo his proposal. A lot of guys would be offended by that.
It seems like you’re putting a lot of energy into an issue that doesn’t really mean anything. My Dh’s exw uses his last name–it’s just convenient. My drivers license still has my former married name on it–just procrastinating. I’ll fix it in July when it’s up for renewal.
You can’t force her to change it. There just seem to be so many more important issues on which to focus.
Post # 4
they don’t have kids and they’ve been married for 5 months … so it’s NOT like she’s SO used to having his name because she’s been marriedto him for sooooo long
Post # 5
It sounds like you were both out of line in thinking you could/should persuade his ex to change her name.
I suggest you try to block out the other negativity around the proposal and focus on what really matters, that you’re going to spend the rest of your lives together. Like a PP said, this new story won’t really be the story of how you got engaged.
Post # 6
You screwed up your proposal by being weird about his ex-wife. I don’t get why it bothers you so much that his ex-wife still has his last name, but you’re entitled to your feelings, I suppose. However, its completely unfair to hold your Fiance (then boyfriend), accountable for someone else’s actions, over which he has no control. He can’t make his ex-wife change her last name, so why would you get angry at him because she didn’t? Also, her not wanting to change her last name doesn’t make her a bitch. As for the proposal redo, your Fiance is just trying to find a way to make you happy. Either stop droning on about the 1st proposal, or let him do the redo & act excited.
Post # 7
Well that’s excactly whundy I’m not lookig forward to this new proposal. It won’t undo the original proposal …
Post # 8
I’m sorry to say it but you are wrong to try to force the ex-wife to change her surname. It’s no one’s decision but her own, and you’re putting your fiancé in a very awkward position.
When she changed her last name to her then-husband’s, it became HER name, just as it will for you if you change it. It’s not his name that she’s borrowing, it’s legally her name. She can keep it or change it as she chooses, and it’a just not right to try to force her one way or another.
Post # 9
I suggest you start tryng to find ways to make it into a funny story, because the alternative is to make yourself into the kind of person who obsesses over things that won’t matter in 20 years. Forget the proposal, start planning the wedding.
Post # 10
You have to find a way to deal with your jealousy & insecurity or it will eat away at your relationship and your own unhappiness. It sounds like your Fiance planned a lovely proposal- a resort holiday and an heirloom ring….but then an argument ensued after the proposal. How exactly did this happen? You should have been celebrating your proposal and focused on each other. Did you cause the argument by bringing up his ex’s surname again at a time when you should have been happy and overwhelmed instead of insecure and demanding?
It seems like your Fiance is jumping through hoops trying to appease you- between having a do-over proposal and awkward forced discussions with his ex about her last name. Honestly, it’s not uncommon and nothing to be jealous or resentful over- my SO and I are both previously divorced. His ex still uses his surname and I still have my ex’s surname- it’s simply a name we’ve had much of our adult lives and come to think of as our own name, plus the surnames of the children involved. It’s not a competition or a sign of residual feelings or anything like that. You seem almost obsessed with the fact that you don’t feel she’s entitled to use his name and that your Fiance can somehow force his ex to give it up.
Right now your Fiance is struggling to make you happy. This is likely making HIM unhappy during a period where he should be happy and excited as part of a newly engaged couple planning a wedding. You’re taking this away from him and making it all about your own (unreasonable) needs and insecurities. Please take a step back and consider this before it ruins your relationship. Have you been this insecure and demanding in other relationships? Have you considered counselling or therapy? I really hope you will because it sounds to me like you have the potential to be very happy but you’re making yourself miserable instead- and that can’t be anymore fun for you than it is for your Fiance.
Post # 11
I’m sorry, but you’re kind of missing the point. The thing with his ex is solved and it’s over. What I’m sad about is the fact that we had to argue instead of having a nice time, especially since we had the resort, the old diamond and our love.
We’ve set the date, picked out a beautiful landside resort, I got a beautiful dress, … I did all that and everything is wonderfull, but the engagement story sucks.
Thanks for your input, but all that rationalising doesn’t help me. I’ve been through it a milion of times. I know my fiance is above average, incredibly sweet and would do a lot for me. But I’m sad about the fact that we fought on the weekend we got engaged. And i wish the rationalisationscould help, but the don’t.
Post # 12
- Wedding: March 2016 - Surfer\'s Beach, Grand Cayman
Let it go. It’s not his business or yours what she does at this point and shouldn’t really have any effect on you, your life or your relationship. I know lots of women who keep their married name until they re-marry, she may have only been married to him for 5 months but she’s had that name for 10 years now. Him asking her to change it actually sounds very childish and petty, so I suggest for everyone’s sanity to let them keep their relationship as it is, instead of trying to drive a wedge between them that doesn’t need to be there. As for the proposal, it sounds like you ruined it, I think you should apologize and go on with your life and be grateful that you seem to have such an understanding guy.
Post # 13
Sweetheart, it is not your place to dictate how a stranger has her name. Is it a super uncommon name that would never be recognized except to a small few? My fathers last name is like that, there are 13 people in the US with that name and atleast 2 are his ex wives. They do not know each other nor do they care if they share. Soon it will be 12 when I am married. Does he have a more common name like Smith or Taylor? Then who would know?
I wish I understood your view point. Would you rather the man or a name? A rose by any other name still smells as sweet.
Post # 14
RobbieAndJuliahaha: thank you, especially for the input on how I’m making him feel when I’m unhappy about the engagement. It’s true, we have the potential to be very happy, but situations like this one make one wonder … and you’re right about the insecurities – all my exes cheated on me and he’s really loyal. His only “flaw” was being friends with his ex wife who’s been calling me names behind my back. And all these insecureties that arose, made me want her out of our life. We’ve both been to counseling (seperately before we began dating and then together) and this is part of the reason we talk pretty much aout everything and have higher demands of eachother. But yeah, these insecureties are the stuff I really need to adress – I’ll think about it and talk to him about it too.
Post # 15
So, your arguement ruined the proposal? Maybe I missed something, didn’t you start it? How do you want it resolved without starting a new argument?