(Closed) is this THE WORST proposalstory ever?

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
634 posts
Busy bee

My fiancée had a few drinks and proposed, as he always does when he’s had a few. And as I always do – I told him to ask again when he was sober. That time, he did. He woke up and asked me again, so I said yes. Hardly the most romantic, but hey we’re getting married so that’s what’s important. 

 

I do not not understand why you are making him/going along with a do-over. It won’t make you any more engaged and it won’t be the story of how you got engaged. 

 

Finally, what’s with the name thing? She didn’t borrow his name, it became her name. It’s hers. Not his. She can change it when / if she wants to, he has no place asking her to do anything. You might find it uncomfortable, but it’s her legal name. 

Post # 3
Member
11198 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

What is it about the ex using his last name that unsettles you so much?  It’s quite common.  Changing your name is a big hassle & she probably doesn’t feel like doing it for him as a “favor”.  Do they have kids together?

Can you work on letting go of his ex & focusing on marrying your wonderful FI?  He must be very sweet & sensitive to be willing to redo his proposal.  A lot of guys would be offended by that.

It seems like you’re putting a lot of energy into an issue that doesn’t really mean anything.  My Dh’s exw uses his last name–it’s just convenient.  My drivers license still has my former married name on it–just procrastinating.  I’ll fix it in July when it’s up for renewal.

You can’t force her to change it.  There just seem to be so many more important issues on which to focus.

Post # 5
Member
551 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

It sounds like you were both out of line in thinking you could/should persuade his ex to change her name.

I suggest you try to block out the other negativity around the proposal and focus on what really matters, that you’re going to spend the rest of your lives together. Like a PP said, this new story won’t really be the story of how you got engaged.

Post # 6
Member
1992 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

You screwed up your proposal by being weird about his ex-wife. I don’t get why it bothers you so much that his ex-wife still has his last name, but you’re entitled to your feelings, I suppose.  However, its completely unfair to hold your Fiance (then boyfriend), accountable for someone else’s actions, over which he has no control.  He can’t make his ex-wife change her last name, so why would you get angry at him because she didn’t? Also, her not wanting to change her last name doesn’t make her a bitch. As for the proposal redo, your Fiance is just trying to find a way to make you happy.  Either stop droning on about the 1st proposal, or let him do the redo & act excited.

Post # 8
Member
4505 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I’m sorry to say it but you are wrong to try to force the ex-wife to change her surname. It’s no one’s decision but her own, and you’re putting your fiancé in a very awkward position. 

When she changed her last name to her then-husband’s, it became HER name, just as it will for you if you change it. It’s not his name that she’s borrowing, it’s legally her name. She can keep it or change it as she chooses, and it’a just not right to try to force her one way or another.

 

Post # 9
Member
634 posts
Busy bee

I suggest you start tryng to find ways to make it into a funny story, because the alternative is to make yourself into the kind of person who obsesses over things that won’t matter in 20 years.  Forget the proposal, start planning the wedding. 

Post # 10
Member
5816 posts
Bee Keeper

You have to find a way to deal with your jealousy & insecurity or it will eat away at your relationship and your own unhappiness. It sounds like your Fiance planned a lovely proposal- a resort holiday and an heirloom ring….but then an argument ensued after the proposal. How exactly did this happen? You should have been celebrating your proposal and focused on each other. Did you cause the argument by bringing up his ex’s surname again at a time when you should have been happy and overwhelmed instead of insecure and demanding?

It seems like your Fiance is jumping through hoops trying to appease you- between having a do-over proposal and awkward forced discussions with his ex about her last name. Honestly, it’s not uncommon and nothing to be jealous or resentful over- my SO and I are both previously divorced. His ex still uses his surname and I still have my ex’s surname- it’s simply a name we’ve had much of our adult lives and come to think of as our own name, plus the surnames of the children involved. It’s not a competition or a sign of residual feelings or anything like that. You seem almost obsessed with the fact that you don’t feel she’s entitled to use his name and that your Fiance can somehow force his ex to give it up.

Right now your Fiance is struggling to make you happy. This is likely making HIM unhappy during a period where he should be happy and excited as part of a newly engaged couple planning a wedding. You’re taking this away from him and making it all about your own (unreasonable) needs and insecurities. Please take a step back and consider this before it ruins your relationship. Have you been this insecure and demanding in other relationships? Have you considered counselling or therapy? I really hope you will because it sounds to me like you have the potential to be very happy but you’re making yourself miserable instead- and that can’t be anymore fun for you than it is for your Fiance.

Post # 12
Member
3113 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2016 - Surfer\'s Beach, Grand Cayman

Let it go. It’s not his business or yours what she does at this point and shouldn’t really have any effect on you, your life or your relationship. I know lots of women who keep their married name until they re-marry, she may have only been married to him for 5 months but she’s had that name for 10 years now. Him asking her to change it actually sounds very childish and petty, so I suggest for everyone’s sanity to let them keep their relationship as it is, instead of trying to drive a wedge between them that doesn’t need to be there. As for the proposal, it sounds like you ruined it, I think you should apologize and go on with your life and be grateful that you seem to have such an understanding guy.

Post # 13
Member
9525 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Sweetheart, it is not your place to dictate how a stranger has her name. Is it a super uncommon name that would never be recognized except to a small few? My fathers last name is like that, there are 13 people in the US with that name and atleast 2 are his ex wives. They do not know each other nor do they care if they share. Soon it will be 12 when I am married. Does he have a more common name like Smith or Taylor? Then who would know? 

 

I wish I understood your view point. Would you rather the man or a name? A rose by any other name still smells as sweet.

Post # 15
Member
9525 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

So, your arguement ruined the proposal? Maybe I missed something, didn’t you start it? How do you want it resolved without starting a new argument?

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