(Closed) is this THE WORST proposalstory ever?

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 17
Member
9526 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Why does that make a flying dif in this scenario? 

Post # 18
Member
984 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Many divorced men are bitter and, years after the divorce, keep repeating the stories of how their ex was a “bitch” ad nauseum. There actually may be a plus side to the fact that he has remained on good terms with her.

Changing one’s name is not easy, as I discovered when I got married at an age when I had a long established career. It means changing the name with Social Security, the Department of Motor Vehicles, every bank or financial institution you do business with, your employer, your insurance companies, retirement accounts, a PO Box if you have one, etc. I could not believe what a hassle it was. Often I had to furnish certified copies of my marriage certificate. I had to go three times in person to the Social Security office when they kept telling me they had mailed a new card that I never received. The local office of motor vehicles did not handle name changes, so I had to drive a considerable distance to the main state office and spend two hours there, not to mention the time that it took to compile all the documents they wanted to prove my identity. (They are very careful in my state because some of the September 11 hijackers were able to get false ID’s here years ago.)

Changing a name back to a previous name would not be any easier. It is not a matter of just simply deciding to go back to using another name. Your fiance’s ex may not be clinging to his name out of any romantic attachment to him. It may just be the case that she has used this name and established an identity with it. She decided after the divorce not to bother changing her name back, and does not see why she should now. In addition to all the aforementioned hassle, she would have to notify family and friends about the name change.

I do know several divorced women who, despite bitter divorces and animosity to their ex, kept their husbands’ names.

You state your fiance wants you to be nice to her if you run into her. Why would you be anything else but polite. It would be uncomfortabe, yes, and I would want to get away from her quickly, but what else would you do?

Post # 20
Member
11479 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

 

volet: “What I’m sad about is the fact that we had to argue”

Well, I think what people are trying to help you to see and understand is that you did NOT HAVE to argue and that you were wrong to be upset with your Fiance over this issue. In other words, YOU made the choice to make this the big issue that it has become, and you’re still making the choice to allow this to taint your engagement story.  As painful as this memory has become for you, the ONLY way you’re ever going to be able to get past it is if YOU CHOOSE to see that you were the one responsible for your own disappointment and that you are the only one who can choose to no longer BE disappointed.

I don’t want you to think that I am unsympathetic to your situation. I have been in your shoes many times for different reasons, but I had to learn to come to terms with the fact that there are things in life that we cannot control and that we disappoint ourselves by having some unrealistic expectations. When we end up obsessing endlessly over the things that we wanted to be a certain way, and they were not the way we had hoped, we only end up robbing ourselves of the happy experiences we could be having in the present but are NOT having, because we are too busy focusing on the WRONG things. Unfortunately, there is no amount of “do over” of your proposal that your Fiance can offer you if you are unable or unwilling to see this.

I hope that what I’ve tried to say makes sense, and I hope you will be able to move past this in your own heart and mind. Choose to remember the facts that you already shared with us — that your Fiance planned and orchestrated a beautiful proposal. 🙂

ETA: Sorry about the odd formatting. I am posting from my phone.

Post # 21
Member
181 posts
Blushing bee

volet:  First off, I am SO sorry this is happening to you! My soon-to-be Fiance was married (ten years ago, too)! and his ex-wife changed her name legally (she’s remarried), but she STILL has his name on Facebook. W-t-royal-f. Anyway, I know how you feel… I think because she changed it legally, I’m less concerned, but it’s still that *eyeroll* feeling whenever I see it. 

ANYWAY – I don’t think the other posters here have probably ever married a divorced man… that, or changing a name isn’t a big deal to them. But I can tell you that both are true for me. Changing my last name isn’t just switching around and adding a few letters so that my future kids stand in a different order in school had we kept my name. Taking on his name is a symbol of becoming one with him and giving my life to him completely. So for another woman to have done that, and refuse to give it up (and it doesn’t sound like she’s not doing it because it’s inconvenient… it sounds like she’s just kind of mean), I don’t blame you for being a little sore about it. So please don’t think you’re insecure or crazy or jealous anything for wanting her to change it. 

That said, I think asking for a “new proposal” is a little much… it’s your story, and you should love it because of that, even if there’s some turmoil around it! It sounds like the proposal itself was nice, just the trip afterward that was hectic?  Like a PP said, it’s not going to make you any more engaged if you do, and then your “second” proposal will still be just that – your “second proposal”. It seems like you even acknowledge it’ll feel like a pity proposal. You can’t change what happened, but you can move forward, and if this is important to you, you and Fiance need to deal with it together. Good luck!! 

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 9 months ago by  vericari.
Post # 22
Member
634 posts
Busy bee

The reason I wouldnt object to an ex-wife keeping her name isn’t because I’m divorced. I’m not. It’s because I don’t like the feeling that, when I marry Fiance, I will no longer have a name, I will just be borrowing his.

 

I’m happy to change my name – as he wants – but only on the understanding that it will become my name, which nobody but me has rights over. 

Post # 23
Member
3113 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2016 - Surfer\'s Beach, Grand Cayman

Well if that’s solved, and you’re just sad about the argument what can you do? It’s over, you just need to get past it and try not to let those kind of arguments happen again. People put too much focus on these “perfect proposals”, a proposal is a moment when someone asks you to marry them, it’s not always going to be like in the movies. I think what would be best is just planning a romantic weekend again, not necessarily a trip, you could even just stay in and have some champagne and nice dinner and just celebrate your engagement together.

Post # 24
Member
408 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015 - Hanover Grande Ballroom

Who cares if the ‘engagement story’ sucks. You’re marrying he love of your life. Focus on the wedding and your life together.

Post # 26
Member
1980 posts
Buzzing bee

The argument at the proposal, and your emotional response to it now, as well as having a do-over make me feel that none of this is about marrying the man you want to spend the rest of your life with. Its not about the story, its your life and relationship together. Is that at the forefront here?

Post # 27
Member
5846 posts
Bee Keeper

volet:  Us ‘divorced women’ are not focused on surnames- you were in your initial post. I was trying to tell you that 1) my SO’s ex kept his surname and it doesn’t bother me & 2) I have my ex’s surname and it is nothing for SO to feel jealous rivalry or insecurity over.   For me this is a non-issue, but for you it was a big enough issue to continally bring up to your Fiance to the point that you fought over it the night he proposed and you practically forced him into an unnessary situation in talking to his ex about it. The issue of surnames is only ‘dealt with’ now because you got your own way- by badgering him about it instead of enjoying your engagement. THIS is the point I was trying to make and I think this will simply be replaced by a new issue you will fixate on. Try to keep in mind that your soon-to-be-hubby’s past is just that- his past. You are not in competition with his ex. YOU are the one in his heart and his life and his bed- and this is where your focus should be, nurturing the relationship you have not obsessing over the one he used to have.

Post # 28
Member
9333 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

“Return his surname”??

A name isn’t some piece of property that you have to give back in the event of separation. You said they were married 10 years ago, so regardless of the fact that they were only married 5 months, she’s had and has been using that name for a decade now. Let it go. What name she goes by has no bearing on you and you can’t erase the fact that he was married to her once upon a time.

Post # 29
Member
662 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

People keep bringing up the surname issue because it is the reason YOU started and argument that ultimately soured the memory of your engagement. My advice is that this time, you focus on your Fiance and the love you share instead of bringing up some other woman. Don’t initiate an argument over your own petty jealousy and insecurity and everything should be peachy.

Post # 30
Member
112 posts
Blushing bee

I guess I just don’t get it. If the argument is solved why can’t your “engagement story” be that your Fiance proposed to you at home and then you went on a romantic 5 star resort vacation together? I don’t get why the argument has to be a part of the story… Yes, it happened but others don’t need to know about it and if it’s resolved between the two of you then just let it go. Maybe plan a trip back to the resort for your Fiance (not the other way around) for a birthday or anniversary and get a do over that way. 

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