Post # 31
volet: I get what you mean with the insecurities over ex-wives, but you’ve stated that you’re over that and I would encourage you to forget about her and focus on your relationship and future with your Fiance.
With regards to the engagement story, again focus on the positive, the effort your Fiance put in, the ring, that it would have been a lovely weekend without the argument. Arguments happen, so long as you both can apologise for the appropriate parts, discuss and move on from the argument then you’re good. It sounds like you keep focussing on the negative parts, the more you go over it, the bigger and worse it will seem. You sound like you’re looking forward to your wedding, you’ve got lots booked, so continue on that course.
If you don’t want a re-proposal, explain to your Fiance that you don’t need it and perhaps agree the engagement story that you will tell people when they ask so you don’t do the awkward “Umm…well… :/ ” thing. Anyway – I guess I’m saying a lot when I pretty much am just saying to focus on the positive parts of your relationship.
Post # 32
I agree with pretty much everything everyone is saying, but that doesn’t change how she feels about it… Calling her insecure and telling her she’s petty and jealous is kind of mean, honestly. Just because it’s something that you wouldn’t get upset over, doesn’t mean it’s not a real sore spot for her, whatever the reason. **NEWS FLASH** women are insecure about things sometimes. We’ve all had those moments where we KNOW we’re being ridiclous over something, but saying, “suck it up and get over it”, which is basically saying, lie to him and tell him it doesn’t bother you until it really doesn’t, doesn’t really help much.
volet: Be honest with your Fiance about how you feel, but as PPs have said, keep it in check. Remember that he loves and is marrying YOU, and keep your relationship at the forefront of it. As somethingbee said, it’s not about the story (heck, my grandma got married in 1945, and when I asked her how grandpa proposed, she couldn’t remember and said, “I don’t know, we just talked about it and decided it’d be a good idea, I guess!”), it’s about your relationship, your love, and building your life together.
Post # 33
There’s something missing here. It seems that you were the one who started the argument- so why is it all about YOUR ‘engagement story’? Shouldn’t you be apologizing to your Fiance for turning his special proposal into a fight due to your own insecurities? You don’t seem to show any insight or remorse into how you’ve treated him in all this.
Post # 34
I didn’t hear an engagement story. I heard “he proposed and I started a dumb argument that we later fixed.” You told us nothing about what he said or how he did it. You’re so focused on the argument you started that you skipped the actual engagement part.
Seriously, just cut that part out of the story and let it go. Did you cry? Did he? Was he nervous? Etc. focus on that. (Unless you literally asked about the name thing first, in which case you’re screwed.)
Edit: I also think you should apologize to your fiance for ruining the vacation and the evening itself. He deserves it and it might just give you some closure on it.
Post # 35
I seems to me like you and only YOU are the one to blame for tHis “bad” proposal story. He got you a special ring, with a special diamond and set up a trip to a nice resort, but you chose to start an argue!
First of all, I don’t see how you can feel intimidated by an old ex-wife. The fact that they stayed friend after a divorce I would consider as something positve. It just shows they are both mature and has no hard feelings. And come on, it’s been 10 freakin years! I would feel horrible if my Fiance cut off a ten year old innocence friendship just to please me and my insecurities.
And even if they didn’t stay married very long, she had that name for the last 10 year. I think it’s abdurd that you now demand your Fiance to demand her to change HER (yes it’s her!) name just because you are insecure.
You need to work on yourself and these insecurities and it won’t help you if she change name and disappears from earth!
I really think you owe your Fiance an apologise for ruin the trip!
Post # 36
Ok…so..how many other people in the world have his last name?
Do you really assume if she re – marries she is going to keep his last name?
I think your argument over the name is down right silly. You say they were only married 5 months but that’s been her name for 10 years. In her social network, professional network, that’s her name. So now YOU demand she change it, and then if she gets married she will have to change it again. I wouldn’t if I were her. I’d tell you to shove your insignificant insecurities where the sun don’t shine. Your insecurities mean NOTHING to her. And they shouldn’t.
Oh and you ruined your own engagement story. But really.mi don’t get all the stupid fuss over them anyhow. What matters is the marriage that comes after all the hoopla.
Post # 37
vericari: It truly isn’t my intention to be mean to her- but I honestly see insecurity as something that is making her miserable and is at the point of being toxic to her relationship. If people tell her she’s being unreasonably jealous and insecure- it’s meant to help her, not kick her when she’s down. Because I see this as something that will potentially keep cropping up throughout the relationship and it simply isn’t healthy. I would rather be honest with her than see a post from her a few months from now saying her Fiance broke up with her over these issues or that she’s making herself miserable over another issue. I feel badly for her, I’m not trying to hurt her. She can’t be happy feeling this way and I hope she’s able to get past it and she’ll only do that by focusing on what’s really wrong.
Post # 38
RobbieAndJuliahaha: And that is absolutely commendable and appreciated, but I feel like there’s a better way to do it than just say, “WOW YOU ARE SO INSECURE! YOU ARE THE SOURCE OF ALL PROBLEMS IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP BECAUSE YOU ARE SOOOOO JEALOUS AND PETTY. YOU SHOULD PRETTY MUCH APOLOGIZE TO HIM FOR EVEN EXISTING.” Obviously an exaggeration, but it’s the essence of what comes across (not necessarily you, but a LOT of these threads I read have this theme).
For instance, people in this threat calling her “silly” or that “she and only she is to blame” or to “shove her insignificant insecurities where the sun don’t shine”… yes, maybe there are insecurities to deal with, but holy shit, that is NOT the way to talk about it. Would you ever say that to someone sitting right in front of you?! That is just mean!!!
We should be offering advice and give real, practical solutions to things, rather than just calling names and assigning blame (which reading your specific post, you did very well, so thank you). I just HATE how people tear these girls down, when they have difficult things they’re dealing with (even if they’re petty or insignificant to you, they’re feeling really upset by them!). We should be building each other up (and yes, sometimes that means pointing things out they don’t want to hear, but we should be kind about it).
Post # 39
vericari: I did offer advice- to hopefully realize that the real problem isn’t an ex or what surname she uses or that an ‘engagement story’ didn’t live up to an ideal, but that insecurity and unreasonable demands are the problem- to the degree that counselling/ therapy should be considered as an option. Because posts on a message board can only do so much and I see a very real problem here and a pattern of behaviour that is destructive.
Post # 40
When you are deeply in love and hoping to establish a new relationship with the person of your dreams and such person has asked “the question” and offered a gift (ring or whatever) in confirmation of your mutually shared hopes, all the rest, especially what exists in the past, is FAR less important.
THE VERY IDEA of a “redo” is like trying to unring the bell.
Learn to distinguish between what is important and what is not in any way important at all, and you will find that life is a lot simpler and much happier.
My engagement could either have been looked upon as the WORST ever or the BEST day of my life. I chose the latter. After 40 years, it still is……
Post # 41
vericari: seems to me you can’t read in context.
As you were referring a lot to my thread in this. My point of view was from the ex…who would be thinking much of what I said. Yes I would think that should put some of her thoughts into prospective as she is herself calling the ex names in this thread.
Your not always going to get what you want to hear.
She didn’t even write anything about her “proposal story” there is nothing in this post depicting the actual proposal. Only the fight she instigated after. Yes it is all her fault. If she can’t see that ..well tough on her. Sometimes you need to back up a bit and re – evaluate your own actions instead of laying blame in every other direction.
And yes I would word for word reiterate what I wrote to my friend had she been sitting in front of me. That’s why I’m friends with my friends. I would damn well expect my friends to do the same to me.
Post # 42
volet: You screwed it up by making what should be a happy moment about his ex-wife… Who cares if she has his last name? They were MARRIED. She’s probably too lazy to change it back, it’s a real bitch and if she plans to get married again, she’ll probably change it then. Seriously…. let it go.
Post # 43
I don’t even see why the argument is part of your proposal story. It seems to me like everything leading up to the proposal and then the proposal would be the proposal story. The argument just seems like something stupid that came after and has no real place in the story besides as a funny afterthought, because honestly, couples fight. It happens and it’s not that big of a deal. It didn’t ruin your engagement if you guys are still happy and together.
Post # 44
RobbieAndJuliahaha: and that’s why I said your original post was great… I think you did that well.
smoocherific: This is just frustration with a few threads I’ve seen lately where it’s gotten pretty darn negative towards the OP… and I don’t mean to hijack the thread, so just carry on with the original post.
Post # 45
volet: Well first off this is definitely NOT the worst proposal story I’ve ever heard. The worst I’ve ever heard was this couple was always fighting and yelling, and they were having another one of their explosive spats. During which the man pretty much thrilled a ring at her and she’s like “What is this for?!”
He said, “it’s supposed to be for when I propose to to you!! I want to marry you!”
And she yelled back “Okay!” and bam they were engaged. Angriest engagement ever, but I guess whatever works for them.
As for the name thing, you just need to let it go. Harboring that kind of resentment towards a relationship that happened so long ago won’t do any good. I was divorced, and while I was lucky enough to change my name back to my maiden name, it’s not that easy for everyone else. There are a lot of people that keep their ex’s name long after divorce for a lot of different reasons.
Just enjoy the engagement and don’t fret the small stuff. In the long-run, this should only be a tiny blip in your relationship.