Post # 61
Have you heard of DBT, Dialectal Behavior Therapy? Here is a link you might find helpful in your struggle to let go of a memory which is attached to emotional pain. I’ve just started reading about it, but I’ve heard its the only therapy that works for those who have intense emotions and have difficulty working though them.
Post # 62
Op, ruined what should have been a beautiful proposal over something that will seem petty and frivolous in 10 years. Your Fiance deserves an apology, a romantic gesture and an engagement gift. Maybe an engagement ring or a watch, maybe even some custom cuff links.
It’a sweet that he’s willing to go above and beyond for your happiness but you need to be happy for yourself. Let things go! The only people you should be concerned about are you and your Fiance.
Post # 63
Since you don’t want the rationalizing, what exactly did you want us to say? Did you just want us to answer if it was the worst proposal ever? If so, the answer would be a resounding no. Be happy and get over things you cannot change. Rehashing all of it will block you from moving on. And honestly, I think YOU should be planning a re-proposal, not him.
Post # 64
Brielle: THIS. I was like no you didn’t HAVE TO. Just like you don’t have to keep this ruining it for you.
OP, Please PLEASE just drop this. Your man is nice enough to even try to make up for something that as you can see, most people don’t see you are right. But he’s willing to go along because it’s important to you. Please, for the sake of your experience, and for HIS experience, drop this and enjoy and recognize his effort. Saying it was nice and all and still being bummed about it it’s kind of invalidating it. He’ll try again. Choose to move forward and stop giving power and energy to someone who’s in the past.
Post # 65
volet: The best thing you can do is make an effort to make it up to your Fiance. Can you plan something special for him? He doesn’t sound as if he is holding it against you so you are lucky.
Post # 66
It’s a bad engagement story for sure, but it sounds like he’s a good guy who isn’t holding it against you. I do think it’s on YOU to make amends and redo it – it’s great that he wants to, but it will be better if you own up to your behavior – otherwise it seems like you’re still just being really controlling.
Hope you also find a way to mend things with the ex. Yikes. Boundaries are one thing, but you were really out of line.
Post # 67
MrsYokiman: this is AWESOME! LOL!
Post # 68
If I were in your place, I wouldn’t get bothered so much about his ex using his last name only if he stopped all his contacts with her, which what he did now. So everything is great.
It’s okay to feel that way. Some people are okay with the idea of ex wife carrrying ex hubsand’s last name and some people are not.
It’s totally fine.
Now as for the do-over/repair of your engagement, I feel that it won’t help.
Your engamenet story isn’t bad or worst. You’re just hung up on the argument part.
I suggest that instead of doing a do-over, just go somewhere to make good memories, and don’t label it as a do-over.
Appriciate him for finally realizing that you were not wrong and try not to think about the argument so much.
I don’t know if it’s the same with everybody, but for me arguements fades as time goes on (as they are rare).
Try to do something different and really enjoy each other’s company and have a good time.
I hope I helped.
Post # 69
Actually OP what might be sweet is if you do an elaborate romantic event and propose to HIM. Then it’s not a new version of him doing it. It’s something different. Make it fun, sweet and silly.
Post # 70
Let it go. A happy marriage is so much more than a proposal. You ruined the moment by starting an argument. You reap what you sow.
Post # 71
I didn’t read all of the responses so excuse me if I’m repeating. My biggest issue with your post is this:
“they stayed friends, which bothered me a lot. During these 2 years we’ve been together he stopped being friend with her because he realised how disrespectful it is towards me”
He was friends with this woman for 10 years and you made him stop being her friend? I don’t see how it was disrespectful to you for him to keep talking to someone he’s known for over a decade. I am friends with almost all of my exes. If I were him I’d be resentful that you’re so insecure. Heck, I have an ex who I was with for the better part of a decade who still comes over with his girlfriend once a week to have dinner with us. My own mom and SO’s mom both kept their married names after they divorced. You are the one causing drama here.
Post # 72
Look at the good instead of the bad! You got engaged! You are marrying the love of your life! It is so silly to focus on the negative!
Post # 73
Tell it without your argument and keep telling it to yourself with out the argument. I am wife number three for my husband. Wife 2 a week after finding out about our engagement wrote him a letter asking for another chance at their relationship and she loves him ECT. Plus she kept his surname yet she ended their marriage. She is remarried last year and still keeps his last name on everything. I just think its weird.it bugs me but then I remember its just a name. I have the man and the happy relationship she never had with him and I have his love. So that’s to fingers up to her.
volet: I wouldn’t not marry your zSO because his ex refuses to change her name. It’s out of yours and his control
Post # 75
They were married TEN YEARS ago. I think it is fabulous that they remained amicable, until you came along. Additionally, as it has been pointed out before, she LEGALLY changed her name. Why she chooses to keep it is her business, but she need not change it at anyone’s request. Indeed, she has presumably been using it for the last decade, so yes, she HAS been using it for so long that it might be difficult and inconvenient to change. Neither you nor your Fiance have any right to tell her to change it. You cannot erase the fact that he was previously married.
And YOU started the argument. YOU ruined your proposal by making an unreasonable request and not letting it go. The idea that he needs to stage a re-do because you were irrational the last time is ridiculous. It sounds like there are a lot of things you just can’t get past, but perhaps you need to get over the idea that other people are responsible for fixing those things.