(Closed) Is this too harsh of an email?

posted 7 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
2815 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I think it’s a good email.  I know it was hard for you to write that.  Good luck.

Post # 4
Member
9824 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Honestly, I would shorten it up and stick to a few key points:

You think it would be easier for everyone if she simply attended rather than being a member of the wedding party.

You hope this doesn’t cause hard feelings, but you think it would be easier on both her and you this way and you hope things get better for her and her family.

I wouldn’t say things like you waited up by the phone all night for a return call and went to bed disappointed, or that you guess you thought the friendship was more important than she does. For now, keep it low drama. Then if it’s still bugging you after the wedding, tell her how you feel in more detail.

Post # 5
Member
3166 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

as someone who asked a Bridesmaid or Best Man to step down for similar reasons (lack of making an effort to be a friend) i think that phone call is the way to go. be simple, succinct, use the ‘I feel’ statements and have your examples ready. they can’t really refute it when you have facts like “you haven’t contacted me in 8 months” to fall back on. your email is okay, but i do think it’s accusatory and then trying to be friendly. i doubt she’d email you back after that. if you do want to send her an email, i’d do a heavier revision.

Post # 7
Member
825 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

It sounds fine to me, let us know what she says. Good luck!

 

Post # 9
Member
2790 posts
Sugar bee

Personally I think that a lot of the email sounds like your putting the entire blame on her. Even if it is totally her fault you clearly sound like you want to stay friends with her and you don’t want her to be angry so rewriting it in some spots may be better.

UUUUGHHH Weddingbee just at my post….. FML

To sum it up: Short things up, it sounds more like your blaming her then it does you stating your feelings. Let her know what you had hoped would happen between you two without saying you never call or answer or come over or blah blah blah Just let her know that you care for her, you understand that things happen and that people get busy. Tell her that really all you want is for her to let you know she is busy at the moment but ask that she at least try to respond when you call or text because you worry that something may be wrong when she doesn’t.

Ultimately, instead of telling her you don’t want her as a bridesmaid why don’t you give her an out. Let her know all the feelings you are having and how you understand that life, finances and unforeseen things come up and that if she doesn’t have the extra time to devote to keeping up with one another and being present in your relationship and for important things for your wedding that you will understand if she would prefer to attend your wedding as a guest.

I hope that helps. So sorry your even having to write this email because you always think these people are going to be in your life forever and then this crazy stuff happens and no one wishes for that.

Post # 10
Member
9824 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@SweetRose2011: If you’re going to do it through email, just remember that your objective is to gracefully remove her from your wedding party and somewhat preserve a cordial relationship with someone you once considered a friend.

If it were me I wouldn’t even say anything along the lines of “I thought we’d be closer.” It’s just a guilt trip that won’t go over well. Just tell her the truth; contact has been pretty sparse, you don’t want to put her in an awkward position financially, and you think at this time it would just be easier all around for her to attend as your guest instead of having to fulfill any other obligation. Wish her well and tell her to call you if she wants to chat further.

Post # 12
Member
2790 posts
Sugar bee

@SweetRose2011: I have this same exact problem with friends. Ultimately I have ended up dropping those people as friends because I seriously cannot stand when friends can never get back to you and you feel like the friendship is so lopsided. If she thinks your trying to hard to be her friend then maybe she doesn’t want to try that hard to be yours. I don’t want to be mean but sometimes people just don’t care about us as much as we care about them.

Post # 13
Member
3166 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@SweetRose2011: okay, well i’d probably start the revision by bringing it down to something like this:

“It’s been a while since we talked, so I thought I’d touch base. When you get this message, please give me a call or shoot me a message back so I know you got it. I hope that this doesn’t offend you and I don’t want to break off any friendship we have, however, I’ve really been thinking about it a lot lately and I think maybe it would be a lot easier if you just came to my wedding, rather than stand up with me.

I’m not sure if you’ve gotten your dress yet or not, but I know that the last time you called me you were struggling financially, so let me know. I feel like we’ve grown apart since I haven’t really heard anything from you in a while, and the last time we even talked about the wedding was the end of last summer when we found my dream dress.

I still want you to celebrate with me on the big day and can’t wait to party it up and have the time of my life! call or email me, we can chit chat about it or make plans to get together sometime.”

Post # 14
Member
1835 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

I also had to ask a Bridesmaid or Best Man to step down due to the fact that she was talking about how my Darling Husband and I’s relationship would never work… behind my back… to my other BMs….I found this out through my HAIRDRESSER. 

I talked to them all in person. This way they were able to see I was struggling with the decision but that I also meant business. I know due to her “avoiding” you you can’t talk to her in person but I think at some point it’s important for you to do so. 

Post # 16
Member
3166 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@SweetRose2011: ding ding ding – that’s why I ultimately did it. i didn’t want to look back on pictures and be like “wow, I don’t think me and ***** ever hung out again after the wedding!” i’m having my cousin, Future Sister-In-Law (brother’s fiancee), oldest friend, good friend/old roommate :]

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