Post # 1
Just looking for opinions on this!
A little background – my fiancé is pretty active/social. In the spring-fall he plays golf at least once a week, winter-spring he plays hockey 1-2 times a week, goes to all of the home NHL games, and year round he plays in poker tournaments, which are anywhere from 1-3 times a week. He also has a lot of friends so they do things together too. We don’t do any of this stuff together unless one of the guys can’t make it to an NHL game (I’m a big hockey fan).
Anyway, I was out with a friend today while my fiancé was golfing (18 holes & dinner/beer so from around 11am-9pm) and I mentioned that he’s golfing for the next three weekends (one he is out of town for 4 nights for), golfed last Tues until 10pm, worked late Wed and then had a poker tournament til 9pm on Thursday. My friend said I have the patience of a saint and if she was in my shoes she wouldn’t put up with that and for her, that much personal/activity/hobby/friend time would be a dealbreaker.
What are your thoughts on this? For me, it’s just the way things are. I knew he was like this when started dating and I accept that. But, my friend has got me wondering if there should be more of a line about this stuff.
Post # 3
I wouldn’t do it. Once a week/twice every now and then is one thing, but not practically every day. I need to be higher on his priority list than that.
But, if you’re fine with it, then that’s your choice. Your friend’s opinion shouldn’t influence that.
Post # 4
I agree with the PP. One to two nights per week is fine but anything more than that, I would not be happy.
But it all depends on what you’re comfortable with. Every relationship is different.
Post # 5
I’m not saying its bad or good. I was long distance, 12 hours part, for 3 years so it’s different for me but why can’t you go to the games with him? I would be upset if SO had tickets to a sport I love but he wouldn’t take me.
Post # 6
If it works for you guys, it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks.
I think it’s healthy and important for each person to have their own interests and hobbies in a relationship!
Post # 7
Too much by far. If you are busy doing your own thing and truly don’t mind then it works for you. But if that’s not completely the case, you will grow to resent it/his friends/golf/him. I couldn’t do it.
Post # 8
@orchidaloha: Well if it works for you…eh, good for you? I dunno. It would seriously not work for me. What’s the point of being in a relationship if you lead two separate lives? I want to share my life with FI. Every minute of it if I could (I don’t need it, but I’d take it if it were an option). He’s my best friend. My confidant. My joy. I can’t think of anything I want to do that wouldn’t be made better by his presence. But that’s me and my FI and our relationship. If you are seriously, realistically happy with the way things are then go with it. If it bothers (underneath it all) then I see a serious problem in the future.
Post # 9
@orchidaloha: How is he golfing at 10pm? That would raise my warning flag. It’s dark. There is nothing wrong with having seperate interests, in fact, I think that’s healthy! But what he’s doing seems more than the norm. When do you have your time with him, doing things the two of you like to do together? I want to know how your REALLY feel about this. I know a little piece of you is upset, because I was in a relationship with a guy just like this before. It gets old.
Post # 10
@orchidaloha: My question is, what team?
But really I think if what you have works for you, you shouldn’t worry about what others think or say. However, every night without my DH would be too much for me. After 6 years I wouldn’t mind 3 nights or so, but every day almost seems a bit much, I’d be feeling like I’m the only one taking care of the home, that is unlesS he’s doing stuff during the day.
Post # 11
Everyone is different and different things work for different people. I will say this….your situation is almost word-for-word the same way my ex treated me….and he just wasn’t that into me. We broke up because I wanted an actual relationship and to be with someone who wanted to be with me.
Post # 12
Your stronger then me…I’d be wondering where I was on his priority list. But if it doesn’t bother you and you guys are independent, just like everyone else said dont let others influence you And your happiness.
Post # 13
@orchidaloha: Crayfish is right. If it ain’t broke, why fix it? Some things work better for other couples, this seems to be working ok for you guys. If you are fine with it and both of you are happy with things as they are I don’t see any reason to change. Your friend may have you wondering, but remember, it is only her opinion of your relationship.
Post # 14
@orchidaloha: That much time away doing his own thing wouldn’t fly with me.
Post # 15
i understand the posts about “if it’s okay with you, then that’s all that matters”, except for one thing that can throw a huge wrench in your life.
If you are ever planning on having kids with your SO, beware that his hobbies/friends can very likely not only replace time with you, but time with your children. You might be okay living your separate lives now, but I can guarantee that your tune will change when you’re raising the kids solo cause daddy wants to get in 18 holes with his buddies.
Post # 16
@orchidaloha: If it works for you, then let it be!! FI he has friends and activities- you probably do too. Do you feel like you have enough quality time with FI?
That is what I struggled with on Sundays with FI. He had a longstanding tradition of seeing a group of guys on Sundays- they watched football, played nerdy games, soccer, hockey, etc- on Sunday from 10 am-6 pm. It drove me crazy sometimes- I didn’t have one day a week set aside for me- I felt like I wasn’t a priority. I felt like we never had ‘us’ time because I had work on a lot of Saturdays. Now, we have a system, but it took several years to work out… FI still goes on Sundays, but if I need to do something on a Sunday- like it’s the only time we can visit a wedding venue or we are going to a wedding or something- then I give him advance notice so he can give the guys a heads up and he comes with me without complaint (most of the time). It’s kinda a veto power and it has been a great help!!