Post # 1
Ok so my husband (retired military) and I (current military) were asked to attend a friends wedding. I submitted my leave chit and it was approved after a long wait time and some begging.
Our friend asked my husband to be a stand-in for a groomsman who cant make it, and without thinking of anything involved he happily said yes.
The wedding and the town its in is 5 hours away and some of his Groomsmen duties occour while im still on-duty at work so I cant leave until the day before the wedding (actually morning, wedding is in evening). My husband’s solution was to drive there and then back to get me in a crazy drive-fest since his friend insists that he is there and we incur an extra 500 dollars in hotel and travel exenses by doing that.
To top it off, sine it seems like they are trying to go as traditional as possible he has to escort a bridesmaid down the asile (I’m not too keen on this because we had to do the courthouse thing do to lack of leave so WE didnt even do that) and will be seated at the head table for most of the evening.
Another solution is that I rent a car and drive myself, but even then im not too keen on the whole thing since we initially planned on attending as guests and its 2 weeks before the wedding.
I know this is more of an etiquitte thing but you ladies and gentleman in this board know more about what we go through than the others.
Post # 3
Post # 5
The mods are not likely to delete the thread. It don’t think it meets the criteria.
What is it you hope to gain by starting the discussion over again?
Post # 6
@julies1949: To reenter it with a level head versus the large amounts of frustration I was experiencing when I opened it originally, and hopefully to gain some insight from others in the military community versus those who are in a position where they can do what they please and when they please.
It is not my goal to engage in personal attacks like I experienced yesterday on this forum.
Post # 7
I don’t think this has anything to do with the military. There are lots of us who do not get to take time off when we choose. I am a nurse and we have to request our full vacation for 2012 by December of 2011. So you are certainly not in any unique position as far as not being off on the day of the rehearsal in order to travel with your Darling Husband.
Perhaps I am wrong, but is it possible you are still looking for someone to agree with you?
Post # 8
Some of our groomsmen are going to be sitting at the bridal table away from their SO’s at our wedding. It’s just how it goes sometimes. The SO’s won’t know many people there either as they are friends of my Fiance and his friend group is smaller than mine, and my friends aren’t friends with his friends if that makes sense.
It’s only one evening. Imagine how you would have felt if this was your wedding & the same happened to you.
If you are that uncomfortable I would suggest perhaps thinking about not attending even and that way no one has to drive back for you or you hire a car.
Otherwise, just hire the car & make the trip and I’m sure you will have friendly people on your table who will talk to you!
Post # 9
Didnt you post the same thing a few days ago? Dont attend, easy enough.
Post # 10
Agh, stinky situation. But I guess if your Darling Husband agreed to it then this is pretty important to him. Has he confirmed that the head table won’t also include SOs? They usually do even at pretty ‘traditional’ and formal weddings these days.
As to if the driving part is worth it….you’ll have to balance how much spending even some time at the wedding with your Darling Husband is in terms of the time/money committment. If he won’t be able to sit with you at the reception you may want to just stay home (if that’s the case, I’d probably sit it out…but I’d be 100% sure on the head table situation and not go with “it seems like”–you might regret staying home if they planned to sit you together anyway).
As for the walking down the aisle part…..that you’ll just have to let go. Even many non-traditional weddings do that, no one assumes the BM/GM walking together are a romantic couple, and it means absolutely nothing to your relationship (hell it doesn’t affect you even if other people think he’s her bf–he’s going home with you and is willing to drive 5 hrs to spend a few hours on the dance floor with you!)
Post # 11
1. There are many times when members of the wedding party are not able to make rehearsal dinners. It is unfortunate and if the bride/groom get upset they have the option of telling your husband to not worry about it after all.
2. At any wedding in which one of you are in the bridal party, the other will have to sit in the audience while the bridal party member is expected to perform those duties.
3. It is one night of your life and based on your previous thread, it means a lot to your husband
4. Just because you didn’t get a big wedding with a bridal party does not mean you get to begrudge others for their bridal party.
5. This has nothing to do with military.
Post # 12
I think it’s unreasonable to ask such an inconvenience of you guys so close to the wedding, especially when it was already so hard to get the time off and will cause an extra financial burden. Your husband probably should have thought of that before he agreed, but I guess it’s a little late for that now. But I think he should tell them he can’t make it any sooner than planned so you can both go and at least try to have the weekend you intended on having. Maybe leave earlier, like as soon as you get off work, or something like that. He’s only one guy, it can’t be that hard to catch him up on what he needs to do. And if it is… well, they shouldn’t be putting that much responsibility on a last minute addition to the wedding party and that’s on them.
And I do think some other bees need to recognize that this is not their situation and they are in no way invested in it (emotionally, financially, or otherwise) and need to stop being snarky.
Post # 13
I saw the original thread and now I’m reading this one and honestly, it seems like you’re still pissed, and you want someone to tell you your anger is justified, and that it’s the couple in question who’s to blame.
If you think that military bees will have a different take on this that’s fine, but ITA w/ Julies1949 in that those who are in the military are not the only people out there who have to juggle work and personal time–and it’s certainly not the case that everyone else can “do what what they please when they please.”
For the record, to answer your questions:
No, it was not too much to ask. The couple didn’t commit a breach of etiquette; they had a last-minute cancellation and asked a favor of your Darling Husband. And he obliged. Everything else that seems to be irritating you–the fact that they chose to have their wedding a 5-hr drive from where you happen to be; the fact that they want your Darling Husband to walk with a BM; the fact that they want Darling Husband at the head table–are pretty standard expectations for a wedding.
If YOU want to decline the wedding (it doesn’t sound like your Darling Husband wants to, and I think it’d be a bad idea for him to at this point, since he agreed to a specific responsibility), then call them up, apologize, explain that your work commitments make it impossible for you to make it, and tell them you wish them well and you’ll catch the recap from Darling Husband. That’s how you say no.
The rest of it seems like a deeper emotional issue about not having a sense of control in your own life about when you can get married and the type of wedding you’ll be able to have, and maybe the fact that your Darling Husband didn’t consider you when he agreed to be a Groomsmen in the wedding. Those feelings are fine–but they’re not the fault of this couple and they don’t have anything to do with the decisions they’ve made regarding their own wedding. It’s just an unideal situation, that’s all.
Post # 14
@julies1949: I’m not looking for someone to agree with me. And I did not know that in other occupations there was an equal amount of unflexibility when seeking time off.
@aussiebee: In planning and trying to keep everybody happy and hunkey dorey the first time we just eloped. We hope to do a convalidation later on with just family and close friends.
I, personally wouldnt do this like they are but its their day and they can conduct it however they please. I wouldn’t want to put anyone between a rock and a hard place. A do this and your wife will be upset or a do this and your friend will be upset, that just seems unfair to me. I tried getting out of it but Darling Husband was insistent that I go, hire a car, spare the expense and find some way to get there and preferred to drive all the way back here.
I don’t have a problem meeting and talking to other guests; in all honesty I’ll probably find some retired navy or CG person to talk boats with.
And as of right now Darling Husband doesn’t even know where to get the suit from, reception hall details, church details, or any other important information that he should know so we might be back to just being guests anyway.
Post # 15
I know the asile thing is something I’m going to have to let go, but my coworkers said they felt the same way if it was their wives in his position.
Post # 16
@christinaarocks: Your coworkers sound creepily possessive. This is just one of the ways that weddings often go.
The situation sucks, but its just circumstances. I don’t see how the bride and groom are at fault for all of the things you are listing. Maybe talk again to your husband instead and explain again why going isn’t something you want to do with the current circumstances.