(Closed) Is this too much to ask and how to say no

posted 6 years ago in Military
Post # 5
Member
46414 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

The mods are not likely to delete the thread. It don’t think it meets the criteria.

What is it you hope to gain by starting the discussion over again?

Post # 7
Member
46414 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I don’t think this has anything to do with the military. There are lots of us who do not get to take time off when we choose. I am a nurse and we have to request our full vacation for 2012 by December of 2011. So you are certainly not in any unique position as far as not being off on the day of the rehearsal in order to travel with your Darling Husband.

Perhaps I am wrong, but is it possible you are still looking for someone to agree with you?

Post # 8
Member
599 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Some of our groomsmen are going to be sitting at the bridal table away from their SO’s at our wedding. It’s just how it goes sometimes. The SO’s won’t know many people there either as they are friends of my Fiance and his friend group is smaller than mine, and my friends aren’t friends with his friends if that makes sense.

It’s only one evening. Imagine how you would have felt if this was your wedding & the same happened to you.

If you are that uncomfortable I would suggest perhaps thinking about not attending even and that way no one has to drive back for you or you hire a car.

Otherwise, just hire the car & make the trip and I’m sure you will have friendly people on your table who will talk to you!

Post # 9
Member
1235 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Didnt you post the same thing a few days ago? Dont attend, easy enough. 

Post # 10
Member
1629 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Agh, stinky situation. But I guess if your Darling Husband agreed to it then this is pretty important to him. Has he confirmed that the head table won’t also include SOs? They usually do even at pretty ‘traditional’ and formal weddings these days.  

As to if the driving part is worth it….you’ll have to balance how much spending even some time at the wedding with your Darling Husband is in terms of the time/money committment. If he won’t be able to sit with you at the reception you may want to just stay home (if that’s the case, I’d probably sit it out…but I’d be 100% sure on the head table situation and not go with “it seems like”–you might regret staying home if they planned to sit you together anyway).

As for the walking down the aisle part…..that you’ll just have to let go. Even many non-traditional weddings do that, no one assumes the BM/GM walking together are a romantic couple, and it means absolutely nothing to your relationship (hell it doesn’t affect you even if other people think he’s her bf–he’s going home with you and is willing to drive 5 hrs to spend a few hours on the dance floor with you!)

Post # 11
Member
726 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

1. There are many times when members of the wedding party are not able to make rehearsal dinners. It is unfortunate and if the bride/groom get upset they have the option of telling your husband to not worry about it after all.

2. At any wedding in which one of you are in the bridal party, the other will have to sit in the audience while the bridal party member is expected to perform those duties. 

3. It is one night of your life and based on your previous thread, it means a lot to your husband

4. Just because you didn’t get a big wedding with a bridal party does not mean you get to begrudge others for their bridal party.

5. This has nothing to do with military.

 

 

Post # 12
Member
214 posts
Helper bee

I think it’s unreasonable to ask such an inconvenience of you guys so close to the wedding, especially when it was already so hard to get the time off and will cause an extra financial burden.  Your husband probably should have thought of that before he agreed, but I guess it’s a little late for that now.  But I think he should tell them he can’t make it any sooner than planned so you can both go and at least try to have the weekend you intended on having.  Maybe leave earlier, like as soon as you get off work, or something like that.  He’s only one guy, it can’t be that hard to catch him up on what he needs to do.  And if it is… well, they shouldn’t be putting that much responsibility on a last minute addition to the wedding party and that’s on them.

And I do think some other bees need to recognize that this is not their situation and they are in no way invested in it (emotionally, financially, or otherwise) and need to stop being snarky.

Post # 13
Member
2603 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I saw the original thread and now I’m reading this one and honestly, it seems like you’re still pissed, and you want someone to tell you your anger is justified, and that it’s the couple in question who’s to blame. 

If you think that military bees will have a different take on this that’s fine, but ITA w/ Julies1949 in that those who are in the military are not the only people out there who have to juggle work and personal time–and it’s certainly not the case that everyone else can “do what what they please when they please.” 

For the record, to answer your questions: 

No, it was not too much to ask. The couple didn’t commit a breach of etiquette; they had a last-minute cancellation and asked a favor of your Darling Husband. And he obliged. Everything else that seems to be irritating you–the fact that they chose to have their wedding a 5-hr drive from where you happen to be; the fact that they want your Darling Husband to walk with a BM; the fact that they want Darling Husband at the head table–are pretty standard expectations for a wedding. 

If YOU want to decline the wedding (it doesn’t sound like your Darling Husband wants to, and I think it’d be a bad idea for him to at this point, since he agreed to a specific responsibility), then call them up, apologize, explain that your work commitments make it impossible for you to make it, and tell them you wish them well and you’ll catch the recap from Darling Husband. That’s how you say no. 

The rest of it seems like a deeper emotional issue about not having a sense of control in your own life about when you can get married and the type of wedding you’ll be able to have, and maybe the fact that your Darling Husband didn’t consider you when he agreed to be a Groomsmen in the wedding. Those feelings are fine–but they’re not the fault of this couple and they don’t have anything to do with the decisions they’ve made regarding their own wedding. It’s just an unideal situation, that’s all. 

Post # 16
Member
2697 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@christinaarocks:  Your coworkers sound creepily possessive. This is just one of the ways that weddings often go.

The situation sucks, but its just circumstances. I don’t see how the bride and groom are at fault for all of the things you are listing. Maybe talk again to your husband instead and explain again why going isn’t something you want to do with the current circumstances.

The topic ‘Is this too much to ask and how to say no’ is closed to new replies.

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