(Closed) Is this violent / physical abuse ?

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
11231 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

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@zoecn:  Just because you are 26 and 33 does not make either of you mature. My Fiance and I joke around quite and bit and are normally really silly with one another, but we are both adults when it comes to our relationship and other things.

He told me that “wasnt violent”, and because I acted childishly, so he needed to treat me that way. 

He was violent. He can say that he wasn’t all he wants, but the fact of the matter is that he physically hurt you on purpose, out of anger. You weren’t being silly and he accidentally hurt you. He did not need to hurt you to get his point across, and telling you that he wasn’t violent is another form of abuse. 

You did act like a child, but he way overreacted, and abused you in the process, physically and emotionally. Unacceptable.

ETA: I just saw your last post.

I just dont understand why he didnt get it??? It’s such a small thing, but it is an important to me, he doesnt he acknowledged it. Now I know my behaviour, I would sometimes act childish, but in no way I would hurt him or someone. He also told me that because I acted as a child, so he needed to treat me as a child. 

He doesn’t get it because he believes that abusing you physically is acceptable. He believes that getting his point across means hurting you rather than talking to you like an adult.

Post # 19
Member
1715 posts
Bumble bee

Seriously girl, You’re my age and throwing temper tantrums?

You’re sending out STD’s way too soon, people are going to forget. I promise you that. Especially an email.

 

Do I think he was violent? Not in an “i’m going to eventually turn into a wife beating asshole” kind of way. I do not think he should have touched you at all though. 

 

ETA: I have never thrown a fit like that in my adult life. Not once. I stopped throwing fits like that right around the time I got my first period.

Post # 20
Member
1900 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

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@zoecn:  There’s a difference between acting immature and being immature. I act like a kid all the time. So does my fiance. But when something important comes up (e.g. wedding planning, university/work issues, family problems, etc.), we’re both 100% ‘there’ and mature. We don’t act like little kids and throw a tantrum because the SO hasn’t sent an email yet.

It doesn’t take being a genius (thanks for the compliment, though), it just takes being an adult.

Post # 21
Member
570 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

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@Sunfire:  100% on the mark.

Don’t tell people to ignore one of the major points (admitting that you act like a child) and only to tell you whether your SO was wrong or not. Your behavior is a little ridiculous, and people are going to comment on all aspects of your post- not just what you want to hear. Take some time, graduate from school, and grow up together. Learn how to be a mature partner in a relationship, not a needy childish girlfriend who instigates to get her way. He needs to mature and become more patient when a situation isn’t going his way. It sounds like a very unhealthy relationship, if he allows you to behave that way and then tries to get physical with you.

Post # 22
Member
9957 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@zoecn:   If I behaved that way my FI would think I’d lost my mind.  I can’t fathom behaving the way you’re talking about.

You seem to be at least a little aware that your behavior is childish and irrational.  Go with that awareness. 

Post # 24
Member
569 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

It’s not just about what he did, but how he acted afterwards.

He didn’t show any concern for your feelings. He didn’t feel bad that he scared and upset you. He told you that you deserved it.

LEAVE THIS MAN NOW. This is an early warning sign – please please don’t ignore the alarm bells ringing.

 

Post # 25
Member
515 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’ve got no sympathy for someone who wants to throw a childish tantrum over something as asinine as Save the Dates for a 2014 wedding and then whines about it when her tantrum provokes her SO into treating her like a child. Grow up. You say you’re mature, but you’re failing a course, throwing tantrums, and whining about it on a public forum? I’m surprised he’s put up with you this long! What grown man wants to marry a little girl or the equivalent of one? If you want to be treated like a grown woman, then act like one instead of behaving like a spoiled, bratty child.

 

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@Sunfire:  I second this 100%.

Post # 26
Member
5295 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 1993

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@Sunfire:  agreed.

 

 

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@zoecn:  no, you should not put up with that type of behavior. What he did was definitely wrong, and if it shows any type of trend, you should leave, now. But from what you’ve said, I have to agree that he just blew a fuse. He shouldn’t have to put up with the (by your own admission) childish behavior that you displayed. And if you do that on a regular basis, I can see why he would be furious. 

I don’t think you should be getting married until he has proven that he can control his temper and you can act like an adult. Otherwise, your marriage is a recipe for disaster. 

Post # 27
Member
9957 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@zoecn:  I agree that what he did was WRONG. 

But, honestly, unlike Moomin I am not telling you to leave him.  I would tell him to leave you.

GROW UP, hon. 

If you want to change this you need to first change yourself.  You are irrationally trying to make him out to be the wrong one in this situation.  If you want to be reasonable tell him this:

“Baby, I am so very sorry I behaved like a complete immature brat in the car the other day.  I was trying to manipulate you and force you to do something even though you were looking out for my best interest by wanting me to pass my course instead of fail.  I understand that it is way too early to send out STDs yet.  So, we can wait a little while on that.  I apologize for treating you so disrespectfuly and I will never treat you that way again. 

I love you.  However, I don’t want you to threaten me ever again with something that sounds like physical violence, such as pulling me out of the car.  That makes me feel afraid.  You have to understand that being a woman and being smaller and more vulnerable makes a threat like that very, very frightening.  I know you would never really hurt me, but please don’t ever threaten to put your hands on me in anger again.  I feel you owe me an apology as well.  And I promise that from here on out, since we are planning to be husband and wife, that we will begin to treat each other with the love and kindness each of us deserves.”

Post # 28
Member
1715 posts
Bumble bee

Should you put up with it?

You only put up with what you want to put up with. If you think he won’t do it again, then stay. If you want to. If you think he will hurt you again, then leave. 

I think you are way overreacting to the entier situation period. 

And I think BOTH of you need anger management classes.

Post # 29
Member
4943 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

He told me that “wasnt violent”, and because I acted childishly, so he needed to treat me that way.

There’s never a good reason to lay a hand on someone in anger. Never.

Post # 30
Member
4413 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

If I tell my (hypothetical) child to go to their room for a time out after throwing a tantrum and they scream NO, I don’t just shrug my shoulders and give up. I take the child to their room — physically. This is not abuse; this is parenting. Children are small and light, and can be physically taken to their rooms easily without hurting them.

You are a full-sized adult, so in trying to do this exact same thing, he hurt you a little. And that’s bad, sure. But I think the bigger issue is that he needed to parent you in the first place.

Post # 31
Member
3771 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

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@Sunfire:  I completely agree with all of your posts.

OP: If this is how you are coming off to complete strangers on the internet, maybe it is time to start looking at yourself. It seems as though people are giving you advise and you are more adamant arguing, then seeing that they might just have a point.

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