(Closed) Is this wedding feeling normal?

posted 7 years ago in Proposals
Post # 2
Member
41 posts
Newbee

No. When you’re that age you don’t have a firm sense of your adult identity. It is very easy for things that are wrong to feel right, because you feel emotions without any filter. Everything can feel like an absolute.

You may be meant to be together, but you also may not be. Your nerves may be telling you that you need some time to establish your own identity first.

Post # 3
Member
787 posts
Busy bee

You don’t sound very sold on the idea of getting married – ‘can’t see why not’ is not a good reason to marry someone. I say if you love him and want to stay together then stay engaged but have a LONG engagement. If you truly are meant to be together, you’ll do well and you’ll get married in a few years. If not, you’ll break up at some point. Much easier to call off an engagement than to get divorced. 

Post # 4
Member
66 posts
Worker bee

I’m seeing a few red flags here, to be honest. You don’t sound like you really want to get married at all. You say “we’re going to move in together so I really don’t see why not get married.” This is NOT the case at all! Unless you’re very religious, I don’t see why you don’t just move in together and see how things go for at least a couple of years. You don’t know someone until you live with them – you might find it’s perfect for you, or it’s not what you want at all. Have a long engagement – just because he proposed doesn’t mean you need to get married ASAP. Being married and legally bound to someone adds a whole dimension of drama if you ever want to separate down the track. Don’t do it.

Post # 5
Member
311 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

No, it doesn’t make sense. Enjoy your time living together for now. Make sure you are compatible as adults before getting married. 

Post # 6
Member
3053 posts
Sugar bee

You may not think either of you will change, you may feel ‘all grown up’ at 21 – But you’re not. I thought I was the person I was going to be for the rest of my life at 21. I am 29 now and I can tell you I AM NOTHING LIKE THE PERSON I WAS WHEN I WAS 21.

My advice… Hold off on getting hitched and just enjoy each other 🙂 You may grow together, you may grow apart. Time (and AGE) will tell.

Please listen to the advice all of us are giving you, it is MUCH messier to go through a divorce than just having one person pack their stuff and move out.

Post # 7
Member
2538 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

I agree with 

View original reply
PorcelainBelle, I am a completely different person at 30 than I was at 21… I was with someone for 9 years, we started dating at 19… by the time we broke up we were both completely different people, and had grown apart.

My fiance was married once before when he was 21, and it lasted 10 years. He says it didnt work out becuase they were just wayy too young to have gotten married, and if he has 1 piece of advice for his kids its not to get married young. You lose the chance of finding out your true identity.

Its hard to say no to getting married now, when it feels right to you. I just think 10 years from now, you guys are going to be two totally different people. You might grow closer, you might grow apart.   

Post # 8
Member
4556 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I’m not that much older than you (I just turned 23) but it doesn’t sound like you are ready to get married at all. We’ve been together since we were 17 and living together since we were 19. We have changed so much the past 6 years. Although we always knew we wanted to marry, we waited. We’ve been through a lot as indidviduals and a couple and have been through things most people twice our age haven’t even been through yet, so we are on a different level than most 22/23 year olds. Honestly, you don’t sound mature enough for marriage if you keep saying “Then why not get married?” this is not how you go into marriage at all. Yall just need to enjoy living together at first and wait at least a couple of more years.

Post # 9
Member
1641 posts
Bumble bee

I think you should trust your instinct. There is no harm in waiting to get married; being so young, you WILL change and be a completely different person than when you are even just 25. Play it safe and smart, and don’t get swept up in the idea of being married. Your twenties will bring a lot of growing up to the both of you; give each other room to do that, and if you’re still compatible in a few years, then see how you feel about truly wanting to be married to this person.

Post # 10
Member
470 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

View original reply
evelyn4211:  i had that same feeling about my ex when we were 19. i think that feeling about not being able to tell my family or being a spoor as we were at the time made it feel liek we could have a better experience if we waited. I thought I wanted it so bad but i think i just wanted him to be romantic like that and want me.

Thank g-d i said no. 

My suggestion is if you really want to do it then have a really really long engagement so you have time to see how you grow and develop together.

Post # 11
Member
769 posts
Busy bee

I don’t even know where to start. All the PPs are right. 

What hurry are you in to get married? I had to go back and read your first post in case I missed something, and yeah, there is more to it than you’re saying now. Your fiance proposed after you asked him for a break for whatever reason. And in your post, you said that you don’t think he’s insisting on getting married in a year just because he’s afraid to lose you. Let me state this plainly: um, yes, he is. A 19-year-old who has only dated you since he was 14 really doesn’t know how else to be in a relationship. Everything he knows about women, he knows because of you. Of course, if things were to end between you two because, let’s face it, you’re just now in college and getting a taste of the real world and gaining independence and getting to know other people, then he would have no idea how to date and how to be with someone who isn’t you, and that thought is obviously scary. I dated a guy for almost 5 years, on-off after a while, and we broke up when I was 18 (yup. THAT young.) but we always talked about getting married and living together when I graduated from high school and turned 18. Part of me always knew it was completely wrong to think like that, but the other part of me was young and rebellious and didn’t know any better. I dated 3 guys after him and when I met my now-husband (though not everyone knows this, but that’s a whole other story), we didn’t talk about marriage. We didn’t feel like we were in a hurry to get engaged and married. All that mattered was that we could be together. We decided to get married a little while ago so that we could move in together (immigration barriers) but we both agreed that we were really young, and that it would have been better if we had the option to wait and just date, live together, get to grow and become real adults. That said, however, we have both graduated from college with Bachelor degrees, we lived on our own (not together) and had college experiences, we both have a strong self-identity, we’ve been together 3.5 years, we had the chance to live together for several months, so we didn’t rush into it. 

I guess what I am getting at is that you are completely in denial. Your instinct is telling you this is too fast and not right RIGHT NOW. You should just slow it down. Move in together, if that’s what you want (though I would not recommend it because a 19-year-old should experience freedom and living alone in college -do you want him to regret not having had time to himself after he’s already married to you?) but don’t plan your wedding now, just enjoy being together. You should enjoy college, graduate, pursue careers you both aspire to, and learn who you are as adults. I mean, you even mention in your previous post that neither of you is exactly financially independent. How do you plan to pay for a wedding and then the rest of your lives together? Do you really want to deal with the financial stress of a marriage so early on? Getting married at this point in your lives could truly ruin your relationship in the future. 

And to answer your question, no, it does not make sense to get married right now just because you “know it’s right,” “it just makes sense to,” and “why not?” 

Post # 12
Member
4097 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

View original reply
evelyn4211:  Marriage is more than just living together. It’s a lifestyle change. You’re both still transitioning into adulthood. Moving in together is fine, but I would suggest finishing school, finding steady work, and getting settled in that sense before jumping right into marriage. Take things one step at a time. 

Post # 13
Member
1992 posts
Buzzing bee

“We are going to move into together so i really dont see why not get married.”

I’m not sure you appreciate the nature of legally binding contracts…

Post # 14
Member
7440 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I feel in love twice when I was young. Thought both were the one, that we were destined to be married. Yeah, didn’t happen for various reasons. To decide to get married is more than a “knowing feeling”. Live together for a while first. Life changes so much between 18- 25. College will teach you independence. Some people run with it, some cannot handle it. Then there is finding a job and starting a career, again, a whole host of new challanges. Stay together if you feel it is strong enough but have a nice long engagement so you can see how you both grow and evolve as individuals and as a couple. You have all the time in the world to ge married. Don’t rush into it. Especially if you are already seeing red flags

Post # 15
Member
359 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2017 - The Tall Ship Elissa, Galveston, TX

I can only echo what everyone else has said. I’m 48 and got married the first time at 28 — and I think looking back that even that was too young! I am a totally different person now, with so much more of a sense of myself, than I was at 28. And that person at 28 was very different from the person I was at 18. 

Enjoy where y’all are at in your relationship, stay engaged as others have suggested, but make that engagement looooong!

 

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